Why do I have trouble saying no????

Nurses General Nursing

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Hello. I have really hard time telling anyone no. One of my coworkers (whom we are also good friends...we went through nursing school together) is needing someone to work for her tomorrow night(Saturday night). She told me this at work last night but the way my boss always works a situation like this is if you work need someone to work for you, you need to work for them one day during the same week so that it does not create overtime. Well, there was no way that my coworker and I could swap days this week...I would just have to work for her and get overtime. So, I didn't really worry about working for her when she said something. Well, she talked to our boss earlier today and she told her she would put her on call for tomorrow night but she would o.k. overtime if she could find someone to work for her.

The reason my coworker is wanting off is that she is having family coming in from out of town this weekend unexpectedly. She has called my cell twice today while I was sleeping, leaving a voicemail one time, and I have not returned her call. I don't really have anything planned for tomorrow night so i feel that I don't have a good excuse to give her for not working for her. But, my husband and I work opposite shifts and do not get to see each other a whole lot, especially during the week. I really would like to spend this weekend with him and our kids. I am just having a really hard time calling her and telling her no. I know that she wants off but it is so last minute. When I got off work this morning, I was so relieved because I knew that I didn't have to go back until Wednesday night (except for an all day class on Monday). Should I put these guilt feelings aside and call her and tell her no or should I work for her because I might need the return favor one day? Why do I have such a hard time saying no?? Even when overhouse calls me in on my days off, I usually go even if I don't want to b/c I just have a hard time saying no!!

Specializes in Case Management.

It has always been my experience in the past with these situations that whenever I traded with a friend, I undoubtably had a situation come up not too much later where I would need a day off as well, and then my friend traded with me. I would take the extra day and spend the extra overtime money on something for myself!

A lot of women have a hard time saying no. We are socialized to be accommodating and agreeable, and when we don't really have an overtly obvious reason to say no (other than we'd just rather not do something), we tend to feel guilty. The way out of this rut is to practice saying no and examine what you are feeling when you want to say no, but feel uncomfortable doing so. Do you feel selfish? Do you feel like you'll get turned down in the future if you say no now? Do you think it's not nice to tell someone no? Do you want others to view you as helpful or selfless? Just pay attention to your thoughts when these situations come up.

Practicing saying no will help you to re-establish your own boundaries and learn to acknowledge your own needs. It also helps to practice because there are many ways to say no that aren't very effective. Learning how to say it is important. Such as:

"No, I don't think I can do that for you, I'm really sorry and I wish that I could, but I just can't." = not a good way to say no. This is kinda wishy washy and leaves the door open for the person to keep asking, thinking they can wear you down or change your mind.

"No, I can't work for you I have plans that night". = good way to say no because it is definite and clear.

Bottom line, just work at recognizing what you want/need and make a concerted effort to meet your needs. Otherwise you run the risk of feeling like you're at everyone else's disposal. It tends to breed resentment too.

Best wishes,

Adri

P.S. If you've already told her once that you'd cover her shift, it would probably be a good idea to follow through with it.

Thanks for the advice. I didn't tell her last night that I would work for her b/c we both thought that since it would be overtime I wouldn't be able to work for her. I also didn't tell her that I couldn't. But my one problem with all of this is that another girl that we went to nursing school with also works at this hospital and baylor. She has needed someone to work for her a couple of times. Once, because she had family coming in from out of town (just as this girl does) and the girl that wants me to work for her wouldn't do it for her and I ended up working for her. This coworker that is wanting off tomorrow doesn't like changing her schedule for anyone. So how do I know that she will return the favor? I wish I had just turned my cell off today! The extra money would be nice but I called my husband at work and talked to him about it and he said "If you work, I am going to be mad b/c that will leave me and the kids at home alone again on Saturday night and you will not be able to go to church with me on Sunday morning". So, either way I go I am going to make someone mad...although, I do live with my husband. I guess I am just going to call her and tell her I can't work.

Specializes in Nursing Professional Development.

It might help to think of it as saying "Yes" to your family instead of thinking of it as saying "No" to a co-worker.

Sometimes it is more important to support yourself and your family than to support your friends. It's OK.

Have a good weekend with YOUR family,

llg

Specializes in Home Health, Primary Care.

You say you don't have an excuse to give her....I believe your family is a good "excuse" to tell her no. Life is too short, spend time with your loved ones. Especially knowing that you hardly ever get to see them. Have a grand ol' time!!!

Specializes in ER, ICU, L&D, OR.

I always liked nurse who couldnt say no

:mad: :biggringi ;)

Thanks for the advice. I didn't tell her last night that I would work for her b/c we both thought that since it would be overtime I wouldn't be able to work for her. I also didn't tell her that I couldn't. But my one problem with all of this is that another girl that we went to nursing school with also works at this hospital and baylor. She has needed someone to work for her a couple of times. Once, because she had family coming in from out of town (just as this girl does) and the girl that wants me to work for her wouldn't do it for her and I ended up working for her. This coworker that is wanting off tomorrow doesn't like changing her schedule for anyone. So how do I know that she will return the favor? I wish I had just turned my cell off today! The extra money would be nice but I called my husband at work and talked to him about it and he said "If you work, I am going to be mad b/c that will leave me and the kids at home alone again on Saturday night and you will not be able to go to church with me on Sunday morning". So, either way I go I am going to make someone mad...although, I do live with my husband. I guess I am just going to call her and tell her I can't work.

If she is hesitant to "trade days" or "change her schedule for anyone", I would make a trade now even if it is in a week or two. I almost always trade (to my advantage) and if someone isn't willing, I just figure they don't want the day off that badly. Of course, it is much harder when a friend is involved. Good luck!

What's the saying? No one's epitaph reads "I wish I'd spent more time at the office"?

Specializes in Psych, Med/Surg, LTC.
If she is hesitant to "trade days" or "change her schedule for anyone", I would make a trade now even if it is in a week or two. I almost always trade (to my advantage) and if someone isn't willing, I just figure they don't want the day off that badly. Of course, it is much harder when a friend is involved. Good luck!

Thats usually how I do things, too! (If I really don't want to work for them) If they really want it off that bad, they will trade! I would try to trade for the next weekend that way you would end up with two weekends in a row off. Weekend for weekend seems fair to me.

Specializes in NA, Stepdown, L&D, Trauma ICU, ER.
I don't really have anything planned for tomorrow night so i feel that I don't have a good excuse to give her for not working for her. But, my husband and I work opposite shifts and do not get to see each other a whole lot, especially during the week. I really would like to spend this weekend with him and our kids.

Repeat after me "I'm sorry. I can't work for you. I have plans with my husband." You have no obligation to disclose that your plans are just hanging out, relaxing at home. Hubby and kids come first, and you had planned to chill with them this weekend. Don't leave it open to discussion.

Hi! I'm another one who has trouble saying "no". Many times I've been "put on the spot" by coworkers wanting me to switch days with them. I've now learned to wait 24 hrs before saying yes or no. Tell them you must check your schedule first and that you'll get back to them. This will give you some time to think about it...in the past I've said "yes" too quickly and then regretted it. Hope this helps! :)

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