What's the funniest thing you've heard a patient say?

Cute_CNA, CNA · Jul 1, 2005

Finally she settled on calling all of us F@%#ing whores. This last for hours...screaming it at the top of her lungs. After a few hours and multiple doses of "vitamin H" (haldol) my preceptor had had enough. She marched into Mrs. Xyz's room and stated "Mrs. Xyz, if we weren't f@%#ing, what kind of whores would we be? Well....Mrs. Xyz didn't know what to say to that and we didn't hear a peep out of her for the rest of the night.

I wouldn't have said that myself (for fear of getting in trouble), but that was a very good comeback!

elizabells, BSN, RN · Jul 1, 2005

She marched into Mrs. Xyz's room and stated "Mrs. Xyz, if we weren't f@%#ing, what kind of whores would we be? Well....Mrs. Xyz didn't know what to say to that and we didn't hear a peep out of her for the rest of the night.

Dear lord, please let me end up in a situation where I get to say this - I don't care if it's to a patient, I just wanna say it!

Elly · Jul 3, 2005

Just the other day I had one of my patients ask if you could **** in my pants....Realizing what she said. she turned beat red and refraced her question :Can you change my pants............After a bit of a giggle we proceeded with the task at hand

Dalzac, LPN, LVN, RN · Jul 3, 2005

I had a tiny shrivelled very old lady that I was having a hard time cathing her so I got one of the other nurses in the unit to help me and we still had a hard time. this tiny ancient woman looked at us and said " I know you are having a hard time doing this. There hasn't been anything messing around in there since 1962 since my husband died." We completely lost it and our sterile field. I couldn't stop laughing and neither could the other nurse.

Nurse Tammy · Jul 7, 2005

I am a soon to be nurse working in a transplant department with GI docs, hepatologist and surgeons. I got a chance to observe some "same day" procedures. I was observing a colonoscopy and the RN was explaining what was going on; how the patient was in a twilight sleep and what the doctor was doing, etc, etc. We were all watching the monitor and the person getting the colonoscopy, looked over at us and said "Can you bring over my banana split now?"

Needless to say, we all got a chuckle out of that one! :rotfl:

chris_at_lucas_RN, RN · Jul 7, 2005

This wasn't a patient, but one of our better psychiatrists. She is from India, speaks perfect English and clearly has been listening to too many of our west Texans.

We were talking about pets. I said, "I have eight dogs."

She asks me, "when you were a child, were you very poor?"

Now I'm confused. I'm thinking, do I look like I have no class, should I take better care of my appearance, have I done something rude and didn't realize it? What could make her think I was very poor, growing up?

Then I realize, I said "eight," but she heard "ate."

The fact that she kept a totally straight face and was absolutely nonjudgmental as she accepted that I had done this horrific thing was a tribute to her professionalism.

Good laugh, at the time.

rambisisking · Jul 7, 2005

I've had a riot reading some of these...I only can remember a few(I lost a few brain cells through the years). Working in a nursing home in Wisconsin, I was passing a room when I heard our little Nettie screaming,"Hurry, Hurry, I need help... I'm ovulating all over the place"! When I reached her, she was sitting on the edge of her bed with a puddle of urine on the floor under her.

I took care of my father in his home much of the last 2 years of his life. He had moments where he was less than lucid. During one of" Dad's Deals" as we called them, he was convinced that he had an artifical leg. This was bothering my mother to no end so I tried to help him realize that this was simply not true. One day when He was ranting about his leg and how unfortunate it was that he lost it, I pinched him in the calf. He screamed and asked why I did that, I told him that if he could feel that then he would know that for sure he didn't not have a fake leg. He looked at me so innocently and said, "But honey, It's not the lower leg that's fake, it's the upper part that is". I just fell out!

Meerkat · Jul 7, 2005

I had a patient come into the family planning clinic and ask "

Is it time for my next DEPO PRIMAVERA shot?

HeartsOpenWide, RN · Jul 15, 2005

An elderly man in his mid 90's in our office was put on Viagra. When patients come in for a visite I have to asked them if they are taking all their meds by going through the list. I asked this man on his return visit if he was still taking his Viagra. Embarrassed he said, "Well, no one has ever asked me that before. But, I haven't had to opprotunity to take it yet."

laurenD · Jul 20, 2005

I work nights in the ICU. I admitted a 42 y/o man who'd had a CVA and was DT'ing. He lived at home with his parents. While assessing him, I mentioned to him that we (myself and a female coworker) would be in and out of his room all night, messing around with assessments and vitals very often and that he was not likely to get very restful sleep this first night. Needless to say, I should have thought about my wording. 45 minutes later he says to me, ever so seriously (and right in front of his parents) "Aren't you girls gonna be messing around? I can watch, right?" OMG I about died. I looked at his parents who looked rather confused. I had to explain what I had meant by "messing around". I felt so heavily scrutinzed by his parents the rest of the night...but I got a thank you card from them a few weeks later. What a relief!

Cann Gamble · Jul 25, 2005

One of my patients in the community was telling me about all her 90 year old husband's previous illnesses. She explained how he almost died from a case of Ridiculosis. I asked her to tell me what that was, and when she did my eyes just bugged out and I started laughing because I thought she had to be kidding. It turns out she was not and I had to think fast to smooth things over. She believes that the doctor told them that it was a disease caused by "something sooo ridiculous that they called it Ridiculosis." I swear.

This was a sweet lovable patient, but very naive. She also believed that the surgeon gave her a whole new set of intestines. Yikes. :rolleyes:

dinkymouse · Jul 25, 2005

Thank you guys for making me laugh. I had a nightmare day yesterday and this makes me laugh.