i never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! little did i suspect...
i was on brice street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. as i passed an oncoming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
it was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. i really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. i hate to run over animals, and i really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
i barely had time to brace for the impact. animal lovers, never fear. squirrels i discovered, can take care of themselves.
inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. he was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
his mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
i was pretty sure the scream was squirrel for "bonzai!" or maybe "die you gravy-sucking heathen scum!" the leap was nothing short of spectacular...
he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. instantly, he set upon me. if i did not know better, i would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. as i was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. this furry little tornado was doing some damage!
picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
and losing...
i grabbed for him with my left hand. after a few misses, i finally managed to snag his tail. with all my strength, i flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as i recoiled from the throw. that should have done it. the matter should have ended right there.
it really should have, the squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and i could have headed home. no one would have been the wiser. but this was no ordinary squirrel. this was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. this was an evil mutant attack squirrel of death! twisted evil
hmmm! we lived in northern michigan -- i believe this could be where the devil squirrels go to their training camps!! we had one that broke the plexiglass of our bird feeder -- helped himself to all the bird feed that one squirrel could carry and then ent his cute, furry, evil little friends to get the rest! suet dissappeared without a trace, lawnchairs got mysterious gnaw marks on them and there were occasional sqirrel union meetings held in the garage ( which my husband would rudely interrupt -- thus inciting further wrath from the furry critters) one at a time, sitting quietly on a tree limb may appear innocent -- but don't be foolied!!! he is merely the scout and will be sending the rest sn mass to do some evil act in the future
my husband was the director of the camp where we lived -- one night we got toiletpapered -- very thoroughly -- none of our summer staff knew anything
about it. my theory: the squirrels did it!!! this could be the next blockbuster movie "attack of the squirrels" !
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
Oh my goodness...... :imbar .......thank you! I dunno what I did that was so great, but I do appreciate the kind words......how sweet of you :kiss
Thank you for making my day! :)
Marla, no need to thank me for who you already are, sweetie. You need to be recognized, girl. You just don't get enough of it. And you've come a loooog way, baby.
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
Was it this squirrel??
Looks slightly familiar, and he did have a few with him, I bet it's one of that nasty thing's cousins. waddya think don & missmercy? He is a downright nasty critter, & has the smarts and the nastiness of a badger. As you can see in the photos, he beat me up good n proper a few times. The photo with the patch on the neck is from a chunk of flesh he took out of my neck. Nearly bled to death that time. The photo with me on the vent was to time he tried to choke me to death. He came close to doin' it too. And the third photo reveals the black eye he gave me with one blow to the face with his fist. He sure is one nasty feller. And he difinitely is on my most wanted list.
With apologies to Danu3, that squirrel was a wannabe!
This last episode is best read with posts 1, 6, then this one for continuity.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming blue murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Brilliant! What a fabulous piece of writing! I never realisied squirrels were so gung ho - or is the pressure of modern life creating 'squirrrel road rage'? Reckon you could work that into a short story and sell to a magazine.
Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
Honey girl, I'm about to give you an education on the real nature of squirrels. Them critters present themselves as Deceptive, cute little ones who sit on their haunches, and eat their goodies with their paws to win the heart of the ever so gullible humans that we are. However, Do you remember seeing the commercials on TV where the squirrels run across the road in front of the vehicles at the very last minute, causing them to swerve, then hearing the screech as they end up off the road, and the squirrels slap hands? That's their true nature. Now for the photos of what I'm talking about.
Photo # 1. reveals the Deceptive squirrel
Photo # 2. reveals the nature of the real squirrel
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
Well, I think y'all are just going crazy with the heat! :rotfl:
OUR squirrels play in the trees and 'chatter' to the cats, who watch them from the windows and chatter right back at them. Of course, the cats are jealous because the squirrels are sticking their tongues out at them and going "Nyah-nyah-nyaaaaaahhhhh! You can't get us! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Meanwhile, the cats growl angrily, knowing the squirrels are teasing them and that they are completely unable to retaliate, seeing as how they're locked up in the house......and the squirrels just keep going about their squirrelly little errands, round and round the trees, up and down and all around, teasing the cats until they can't take it anymore, and
(sound of poster slapping herself in the forehead)
What am I SAYING???!! I think the triple-digit temps are getting to me too! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Pam, BE VERY CAREFUL!!! It is apparent that the squirrels in your area have planted a "brain enhancement" station near your home!!! Step one: make you believe that the facts relating to their true sick and twisted, evil nature are merely "stories"!!! Marla, You are in even more danger!! They have reached stage 2 at your house -- they are entering the minds of your sweet family pets -- your defense system against them!!!
Step three is to corrupt small children and the frail elderly to think they are cute and helpless creatures that should be fed -- those squirrel feededrs that bounce, swing etc -- like workin' out at the gym for these guys!!
I find this all very hard to credit. I MET Chip (or was it Dale) many years ago, and he/she/it struck me as a sensitive new-age squirrelly chipmunk swimming-with-the-dolphins kinda mammal. Is this change in behaviour akin to the canary down the mineshaft? We have possums in our neck of the woods, and the cats like to hang out on the verandah of an evening and share a smoke with them, cheers
Marla, You are in even more danger!! They have reached stage 2 at your house -- they are entering the minds of your sweet family pets -- your defense system against them!!!
missmercy
437 Posts
hmmm! we lived in northern michigan -- i believe this could be where the devil squirrels go to their training camps!! we had one that broke the plexiglass of our bird feeder -- helped himself to all the bird feed that one squirrel could carry and then ent his cute, furry, evil little friends to get the rest! suet dissappeared without a trace, lawnchairs got mysterious gnaw marks on them and there were occasional sqirrel union meetings held in the garage ( which my husband would rudely interrupt -- thus inciting further wrath from the furry critters) one at a time, sitting quietly on a tree limb may appear innocent -- but don't be foolied!!! he is merely the scout and will be sending the rest sn mass to do some evil act in the future
my husband was the director of the camp where we lived -- one night we got toiletpapered -- very thoroughly -- none of our summer staff knew anything
about it. my theory: the squirrels did it!!!
this could be the next blockbuster movie "attack of the squirrels" !
it is now official, i do need to get out more!!!!