Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.
I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.
Yelling and hurling obscenities at me will not get you your pain meds any sooner than they are ordered. Nor will having your family member or entourage do the same.
Threatening lawsuits and having umpteen family members camp out in the halls or hold up the nurse's station will not get you preferential treatment.
Physically grabbing me as I go down the hall is NOT a good idea.
I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.
No, I will not call him again to ask him for more pain medicine. He has been called twice and has said no both times.
No, I will not give you his number so you can "straighten him out".
No, you are not my only patient, and I highly doubt that you are single-handedly paying my salary. On the off chance that you are, let's talk about a raise.
NO, NO, NO, I most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).
No, I don't really care if your family has not eaten all day, they drove here by themselves, they are not sick, and no, I will not call for 6 guest trays. (This of course, is if the patient in question does not need all 6 family members present, and is not at death's door).
No, you may not have 3 six-packs of soda from the kitchen, there are other people that would like a snack, too.
No, they will not open up the kitchen up just for you, at 1 in the morning, because you don't like the snacks we have on the floor.
I could think of hundreds, but those will do for a start. I know it sounds mean, but this is why I got out of bedside nursing. When a hospital becomes the Hilton, I'm gone!
I'm sorry Ms. Smith, but yes, your drug test came back as positive for a variety of narcotics. No, the hospital doesn't have a conspiracy against you. Yes, we understand that your fifth cousin that's married to your great-great-uncle's step-brother-in-law three times removed had a drug test 25 years ago that came back positive when it wasn't, but I can assure you that it's not a mistake in your case.
Yes, I will call the anesthesiologist to get your epidural started. No, we cannot do the delivery under general anesthesia. And no, your pain will not very likely be controlled by very much at all..but that will be the least of your worries by the time that social services comes and let's you know that you can't take the baby home to the homeless shelter or the cardboard box on the corner of 48th street.
I can assure you that we are not being judgmental Ms. Smith...yes, I understand that you don't have custody of any of your seven children and it in no way makes you an unfit parent of this one. Of course we understand that it's not your fault that you can't find a job with prostitution and drug charges on your record...of course that doesn't mean you can't be trusted...we understand.
By the way, we have several gentlemen sitting in the waiting room that all claim to be the father and Maury Povich is holding on Line 2...would you like to see any pamphlets on our paternity testing services?
No Ms. Smith, no one is saying you are promiscuous and you have every right to date whom you wish.
"Am I the Nurse? Oh...I'm not the nurse...I'm housekeeping." :)
"Sure...Why not?? I'll go out on a date with you. Even though I'm happily married I just can't get enough of dating all my male patients and you are SUCH a catch!"
Specializes in Med Surg, Ortho, Tele, ICU, Hospice.
What's that you say? You're "close personal friends" with some doctor on the opposite coast who has some sort of professional connection with one of the 20 attendings on our unit? Well! I was planning on accidentally extubating your grandson, giving him the wrong dose of the wrong med at the wrong time by the wrong route, and then dropping him on the floor when I go to change his bed linens, but now that I know THAT I'll take GOOD care of him!
Aahahahaha! happened to me once. Of course I'm a tech, I don't talk much to attendings (I know the house docs, but who's gonna drop THEIR names?) So a little old lady came in insisting she knew such-and-such CEO of our company... I could honestly say - "Do you? Because I sure don't. If he stops by, ring your call bell!"
Specializes in Management, Emergency, Psych, Med Surg.
When patients/ family members threaten to call their attorney, I ask them what his name is so I can get his phone number for them. We used to have his consumer advocate guy on TV and patients used to threaten to call him. Some lady came up with this at the triage desk one day and I handed her the phone and told her"go ahead and call him now. Maybe he can get me some help up here".
We have this 19 year old girl in the hospital right now. Real nice girl but she and her boyfriend think that the nurses are actually wait staff. I told the nurse to tell them when he needs, soda, ice, juice, etc (for the boyfriend) he needed to walk up and get it.
I worked with another nurse once in a large inner city hospital where we had extremely long wait times. Some guy came up to him in a waiting room and started yelling and cursing at him. The nurse was 6'4", the man was about 5'10". He got all up in his face. The nurse went over to the trash and threw the guys chart away. The guy was just yelling and stomping around, mad as hell. The nurse told him, you shut up and sit down, you see the doctor, you don't, then you don't see the doctor.
To the cardiac patient who is accusing me of holding you hostage because I won't let you go outside to smoke, who is leaving against the advice of your cardiologist, then telling me that you're *really* NOT a jerk....
Um, yeah, you actually are a jerk. A big one. The biggest jerk I've met in a while, actually. I'm sure my other three patients who are getting their eight o clock medications at ten o clock because you have been monopolizing my time would agree with me.
Specializes in Psych, ER, Resp/Med, LTC, Education.
I have to say this is a fun thread to read!! Lots of funny stuff!!
I have to admit that working in psych I have more stories than I could tell you.....and have said somethings that well maybe were not the most therapeutic but........ however I do evals of psych patients when they first arrive and have wanted to say to the family with them at times........."okay so here is what I am thinking..........your whole family is absolutly nuts and I think we need to admit you all! Maybe we could get you a family rate!"
........or "**** if I lived with you lady I would want to beat the crap out of you too!" (to the mother a peds patient who was assultive to his mom)
.....or to the dellusional and grandiose patient who is really disgusting and continually trying to pick me up, with the "you know you want this baby" comments...."Oh yes you're so right! How did you know......I would love to lose my nursing license to have the change to be with someone like you.....and the fact that you are too paranoid to shower thinking the water is contaminated to harm you.....I love to smelly dirty bum look...."!
"Yes, I know your ___'s ____medicine may cause constipation and if s/he becomes constipated, we will deal with the problem then. Just because your drug side effects book that you bought when you grocery shopped, lists constipation as a POSSIBLE side effect of ___, does not mean your 20 year old ___ will become constipated. Even though this is psych and not med surg, we DO keep track of these things..."
"Yes, I know your ___'s ____medicine may cause constipation and if s/he becomes constipated, we will deal with the problem then. Just because your drug side effects book that you bought when you grocery shopped, lists constipation as a POSSIBLE side effect of ___, does not mean your 20 year old ___ will become constipated. Even though this is psych and not med surg, we DO keep track of these things..."
AAARRRRUUUGGGHHHH!!! :smackingf
sharpeimom:paw::paw:
or how about...
constipation? omg really?? i had no idea! can i borrow your book? i wonder what else we don't know!
i have to fess up what i did last week. one of my pts and her sister are the meanest old biddies you ever met! the sister called me "fat azs" and "wide load" cuz she was mad i wouldnt allow her sister to have ice chips when she had an order not to have them cuz she aspirates but they wouldnt sign a release.
i couldnt help myself. i walked up and down the hall in front of their room going "beeep beeeep beeeep" with a wide load sign on my back that one of the other nurses made.
BabyLady, BSN, RN
2,300 Posts
I'm sorry Ms. Smith, but yes, your drug test came back as positive for a variety of narcotics. No, the hospital doesn't have a conspiracy against you. Yes, we understand that your fifth cousin that's married to your great-great-uncle's step-brother-in-law three times removed had a drug test 25 years ago that came back positive when it wasn't, but I can assure you that it's not a mistake in your case.
Yes, I will call the anesthesiologist to get your epidural started. No, we cannot do the delivery under general anesthesia. And no, your pain will not very likely be controlled by very much at all..but that will be the least of your worries by the time that social services comes and let's you know that you can't take the baby home to the homeless shelter or the cardboard box on the corner of 48th street.
I can assure you that we are not being judgmental Ms. Smith...yes, I understand that you don't have custody of any of your seven children and it in no way makes you an unfit parent of this one. Of course we understand that it's not your fault that you can't find a job with prostitution and drug charges on your record...of course that doesn't mean you can't be trusted...we understand.
By the way, we have several gentlemen sitting in the waiting room that all claim to be the father and Maury Povich is holding on Line 2...would you like to see any pamphlets on our paternity testing services?
No Ms. Smith, no one is saying you are promiscuous and you have every right to date whom you wish.