Things Little Old Ladies Say

[raiisfun]

I am helping a sweet, 90-something year old, white-haired, angelic looking, completely oriented grandmother to transfer from the chair to the bed.

Patient: "Whew!! I stink! I wish I could just wash my ****!" (apparently allnurses won't even let me type what she said without some well placed dashes...it tried to star the word out!!)

So I went and got some peri-wash and helped her clean up (after I had a hysterical laughing fit in the supply room).

What are some unexpected things that sweet little old ladies have said to you?

[TickTackJo]

I had a little old lady who came into the ED, her BP was tanking, and it was soon discovered that she was in a third degree block. She was unresponsive so they started to eternally pace her. After about the second shock, she sat bolt upright and screamed "Their trying to shock my titties off!!!" I watched numerous people walk out of the room, holding back giggles.

[lrsrusty]

I took care of this sweet failure to thrive lady. We had taken out her foley and her strength was improving so she was safe to use the BSC. That first night she must have gotten up 10 times. The last time I got her to the commode she said, "man, I haven't been this active since my wedding night." I was ROFL. Sadly, she past away a few months later. But she will always be one of my favorite patients.

[Catzilla]

I have shared this before, but it still makes me chuckle...

"Now dear, you must wash as far up as possible, as far down as possible, and don't forget possible!!"

I knew a LOL who named her lady bits "impossible".

[SubSippi]

While flipping through the channels my LOL (in her 80s) sees a kardashian on tv, then turns to me and says, "I f***ing hate stupid women."

[frogandcrown]

Doctor "What is your birthday?"

Little old lady "May 1st"

Doctor "What year?"

Little old lady "EVERY year!"

[Guest805836]

I have had many little old ladies, all lovely, coherent and polite at first - go batsh!t crazy... One of these had a surgical procedure, and I suppose it was the recirculation of products of anesthesia, because she was right as rain at first and next morning she was no longer out of it... But anyway, two hours into the shift, I check in with her and she had ripped out her central veinous line, blood all over the place; she tore of her dressings... Fun. So we call the doctor, clean her up, all that... And she starts spouting insults ! She told one of the other nurses that she was a whore, that she knew that she had slept with all the guys in town. Then she told the nurses aide that her husband was cheating on her with her (the LOL). And lastly, she looked me over and told me that I was waaay too ugly, and nobody wanted to sleep with me. Yikes.

She got some sedatives and had to be restrained. The sedatives didn't do anything to sedate her - she spent five hours spouting abuse, to real and imaginary people. At some point she got started on her family - I was glad they weren't there to hear all the 'lovely' things she had to say about them! "So you think mother loved you, huh ? I always knew she loved me more ! You deserve to go to hell !"

Next day she didn't remember anything and was coherent again, and very polite :)

Once I had to place a Foley, so I explained the procedure to the LOL. She asked me to "please be gentle", because she had been a widow for years and "her husband hadn't been around to keep things in working order". I reassured her about the different location... When I was finished, I had a good laugh in the break room.

[CamillusRN, BSN]

Back in my CNA days, I was caring for a LOL who swore she was married to Chuck Norris. Whenever someone inquired about the photo of him on her wall, she would light up and say "yeah baby, he's my sugar daddy!"

[cree0165, LPN, LVN]

Said to me by 68 year old dementia/schizophrenic LOL: "you must be one helluva dope dealer with all those pills you keep fiddlin' 'round with".

[IsabelK]

My first evening as an LPN on a new floor: LOL comes walking around the corner, sweet, nice, polite. Asks for her meds. An hour later: LOL comes screaming down the hall sitting a in wheelchair and whacked me with her leg. Many creative insults. I was so stunned I ran behind the med cart and hid. The CNAs stood at the end of the hallway laughing. Every night I worked there--I just got better at catching the leg and taking it to her room to put on the top shelf of her closet for the night.

[schavis]

These are priceless!