The Support is Waning Quickly...

Published

Here's some history: I have been a stay at home mom for the last five years, so my family is used to a clean house, having dinner and lunches, clean laundry at all times, no inconveniences when they have appointments, yadda yadda-you get the gist.

I've only been in my nursing program now for about 6 weeks. My husband was very supportive until the last couple of days. Today he says to me that he thinks NS is changing my personality and will continue to do so and everything will be different after I graduate.

He seems bothered by the inconvenience of having to find child-care and adjust his activities, having a not so clean home, unfinished laundry, and dinners/lunches that are less than desirable.

He was totally aware from the get-go that this program would be an 18 month commitment on my part, as well as his part. He was fully supportive and excited. Now, not so much.

I failed a recent exam. I'm very upset by this, and with him questioning all these things about the process of me becoming a nurse and what may happen to my personality during the program and after graduation, I feel like a storm is brewing. I don't know what to do at this point.

If you could share any advice, I would be so grateful.

Thanks.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

sorry to hear that. I was told that nursing school will affect our personal lives, even cost our relationships with husband/bf. That being said, I think there is not much you can do about it, unless you want to quit the program. The only thing left is to communicate with your husband and try to make him understand that your personality did not change for the worse, you are just more focused on school. It's 18 months, not 18 years, tell him to hang in there, and that you need his support. I would try to be attentive and show him that you care. Give him 1 hour of alone time with him once a week, talk to him about your school life, your feelings and your experience. Make him understand what you are going through, he is not a nursing student so he would have absolutely no idea what you are going through. good luck!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
sorry to hear that. I was told that nursing school will affect our personal lives, even cost our relationships with husband/bf. That being said, I think there is not much you can do about it, unless you want to quit the program. The only thing left is to communicate with your husband and try to make him understand that your personality did not change for the worse, you are just more focused on school. It's 18 months, not 18 years, tell him to hang in there, and that you need his support. I would try to be attentive and show him that you care. Give him 1 hour of alone time with him once a week, talk to him about your school life, your feelings and your experience. Make him understand what you are going through, he is not a nursing student so he would have absolutely no idea what you are going through. good luck!

He gets way more than one hour a week of my time. He did not expect having to give so much of himself. I love the fact that he's spending so much more time with the kids and finally participating in taking care of the house and making important decisions. I don't expect the house to be the-way-I-like-it-clean, but I do expect to be able to go into my kitchen and have available space to prepare and cook food, and I do expect SOME laundry to be completed.

My husband has never really had to cook or clean for himself, or take care of his own children to boot--Since we've had kids, even when I worked, I have always done the majority of these things. So I do expect this to be a very difficult adjustment for him and I am patient with him--I don't ever demand anything from him, nor do I "nag" him to do something. The way I see it, he's a grown man, my husband, who is perfectly capable doing most of the cleaning, cooking, and juggling a complicated schedule per quarter. So, I do empathize with him, but I don't feel sorry for him.

As a matter of fact, he works evenings and doesn't even see the kids until the weekends and I still do the majority of the child-rearing, cooking, and transporting for our kids.

I have faith that my husband will adjust over time, hopefully sooner than later.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in School Nursing.

I hope I don't offend any of the men on this forum when I say this.. but husbands can be babies when it comes to things like this... He is used to you doing everything for him. He is used to having the luxury of only having to worry about going to work and coming home.. you've done everything else. What is going on with him right now is an adult version of a temper tantrum..

It takes some manning up but he can adjust.. sometimes husbands just need a little nudge in the 'GROW THE F UP' direction.

Good luck and if nursing school is something you really, really want.. you husband needs to support you 100%. Hopefully once adjusted he will prove to be as supportive to you as you've been to him all this time

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

Does your school have some type of counseling available? Ours is really good, and it can help.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
I hope I don't offend any of the men on this forum when I say this.. but husbands can be babies when it comes to things like this... He is used to you doing everything for him. He is used to having the luxury of only having to worry about going to work and coming home.. you've done everything else. What is going on with him right now is an adult version of a temper tantrum..

It takes some manning up but he can adjust.. sometimes husbands just need a little nudge in the 'GROW THE F UP' direction.

Good luck and if nursing school is something you really, really want.. you husband needs to support you 100%. Hopefully once adjusted he will prove to be as supportive to you as you've been to him all this time

Since I'm the husband who's also the nursing student, I can tell you that it wives of nursing students can also find the adjustment hard - as it is, I think my wife finds this to be some kind of hobby for me

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in School Nursing.
Since I'm the husband who's also the nursing student, I can tell you that it wives of nursing students can also find the adjustment hard - as it is, I think my wife finds this to be some kind of hobby for me

You're right.. it definitely can go both ways.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in ER, ICU.

I'm going to be blunt, sorry he's such a pain in the ass. Tell him it's time for him to a man and step up and take care of his family. Real men cook, do laundry, change diapers, wipe noses, and do their share.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in CNA.
He seems bothered by the inconvenience of having to find child-care and adjust his activities, having a not so clean home, unfinished laundry, and dinners/lunches that are less than desirable.

Wish I had some advice for you. When I was a kid, my mom tried to go to school to get her bachelor's degree. My dad tolerated not having everything done for him for a few weeks, then just started blowing up and screaming at my mom and everyone else until she quit and got his dinner on the table at his desired time again.

She should have left him.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in LTC, Psych, Hospice.

My husband has also started making a few comments about the house and laundry. I just ignore them usually, but last week I just looked at him and said, "you know I'm prefectly happy being an LPN. I think I'm going to just quit school." He hired a lady to come once/week to clean. Good luck with your hubby!

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I'm kind of surprised by the comments from others telling you to just tell your husband to just grow up. Marriage is a partnership and a two way street, yes he's going to have to help out more and be more supportive while you're in school, but you also need to consider his feelings in this too. He's probably feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated. I think you need to talk with him about what the two of you expect from each other and what each of you need to make this work. When school got intense for me this year my husband took over all the household duties, but only after we had a discussion about what I could handle and what he could handle. We made compromises, I do all the grocery shopping and try to prep meals up for him or make up a menu for the week because he hated that part of it. I know too my personality does change some when things get stressful, I get snappish and mean to him and I don't always realize it. There are times when he isn't as supportive or as excited about me being in school as he was a first, but I have those days too. Huge life changing decisions are never easy.

It can be rough at times, but every marriage has it's rough spots that have to be worked through with love, strength and communication. I firmly believe that nursing school does not cost you relationships, I have seen that comment made so many times on this board and it frustrates me to no end, people damage relationship by not communicating and compromising, not situations.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

My suggestion is to let him know that you appreciate that the change is tough and it is tough for you too. But you are proud of him for stepping up and helping and for allowing you the chance to grow and become the person you want to be. In return, he will have a happy wife and home. In the end, what he wants is your happiness. Maybe he sees the house situation as a stress on you and your failing grade and he doesn't want to see you hurt or frustrated. Have you asked him why he feels this way?

This will change you, and him. There will be times when you will miss a soccer game or be late for dinner do to situations at work. Don't promise him a rose garden. But rather, focus on how it will make you happy and how that will make him happy. When his turn comes and he wants to do something other than what he does now, you will be there for him. Your children will enjoy the time they have with him and he will be able to share in the joys of your home more than if he didn't do as much. remember to let him own the responsibilities he takes. Very important to let him run the show and not have you correcting him. My husband took on cooking. He started by researching nutrition and it became a passion. Now he is much better at it than I and my kids ask him for cooking advice!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion