Surviving Nursing School and Marriage

nurse_nightingmale · Sep 17, 2012

I am so glad I found these post's. I see the other side of the coin being male and in nursing school. I am winding down my BSN program that is 90% online and I think my wife is starting to feel resentful since I was finally able to stop working and just concentrate on my school work. I have found that using my newly acquired 'therapeutic communication' techniques have really come in handy. I kind of think it should be a book for every guy to read before he gets married. At times I feel guilty for using the techniques on my wife because they actually have deemed useful to get myself out of trouble.

Bear14, like you, my own marriage has seen it's ups and downs. The decision for me to go to school was an easy one to make for our family, however at times it seems I am the only one who works with the end in mind. I agree with pretty much everyone on here that with anything in marriage, heck in life, communication is the key. As us students get busy with deadlines and under stress, our spouses pick up on that and that seems to be when issues arise. It's important for us to remember just because our spouse feels a certain way, that we are not to just discount their feelings. Doing so only causes more issues. Im not perfect at this and probably never will be, but I try.

I know one thing that has REALLY helped us since I started school. We consider ourselves spiritual folks and we do a quiet time for couples. There are TONS of books out there for spiritual people and non-spiritual people that focus on creating an intimate marriage through building communication skills. We just give each other 30 minutes to an hour of our time each afternoon to sit out on the front porch and read our chapter together. We then talk about what it say's to us individually and for our marriage. I find that alot of times we get to talking about our marriage and it's been 2-3 hours and time fly's by, and then when were done and ready to get back into the flow of life, i.e.. laundry, kids, dogs, bills, supper, bath's.......we pray together. Does this completely fix everything in our marriage, no, but I do find that it helps me, the husband, listen. I find that I'm ready for a break when 'quiet time' shows up and that initially I fought it, now I wouldnt take for it.

Anyways bear14, I hope this helps, at least a little.

SE_BSN_RN, BSN · Sep 17, 2012

Just wondering how much nursing school has affected your marriage? Right now my husband and I are not getting along and a lot has to do with me in school and him working overnights so I can go to school (we have 2 kids and limited childcare). His sleep is compromised and I know I may have snapped once or twice, blah, blah, blah. But I'm really scared how this may turn out and will it be worth it in the end? I am trying to stay calm and balance school, kids, housework, sleep, you know being a mom and a student and add to that finance issues. Its a lot at one time. Any suggestions??

We are in almost your exact situation (without the fighting and stress...). I have 8 months left of my BSN program. We have 4 kids, hubby works 5 nights, I work 2 eves and 2 nights.

First, I would recommend counseling if you think things have gotten that bad. You can't get through this if you can't effectively communicate. During LPN school, we had 1 son, my hubby was paying for all of my schooling and the mortgage, child care, etc. Now, we have both incomes and more kids, but we make it work. Remember, keep your eye on the prize....when you finish school and have the extra income, kids in school full time, etc. My hubby says in 8 months he is quitting his job for good. He wants to be a stay at home dad, and I hope we can eventually do that. I stayed at home the first 5 years when our first son was born, and staying home isn't for me. I will gladly work, and if he wants to stay home, more power to him. He's not one of these guys who have issues with me earning more than he does.

As for the issue of smoking, that's part of the problem, but we don't need to tell you that! Not to mention, those cigarettes are EXPENSIVE! You could use the money you save on those towards childcare! As for sleep.....does he have sleep apnea and just can't get a good sleep? Can he switch from nights? If not, Lowe's has the room darkening cut to fit shades you can get for the bedroom, or the room darkening curtains, I think Target has them or you can order them online. Can you put an ad on Craigslist and look for a daytime sitter, or does your neighborhood/church have a babysitting co-op? Can you hire someone once a week to come in and clean the house? Make a list and assign a day/time/person/kid to a specific chore. My oldest does all dishes and takes out the trash, and sometimes vacuums.

For us, as for house cleaning, one day a week is reserved for that. What I do, is have kids/hubby put dirty clothes in the washer, and I run a load once it gets full, dry it and put it away. Vacuuming and mopping are done when kids are in school, and PRN. At night before bed, I run a load of the days dishes in the dishwasher, so in the morning they are clean and I put them away. My main gripe is dirty dishes, I hate a dirty kitchen and dirty dishes in the sink. The way we do laundry works for us, so there are always clean clothes. Sometimes they may not always get put away, but that is an issue that is as simple as pulling it out of the dryer, putting it on, and going (after its been fluffed in the dryer, I hate to iron!) If there are toys on the floor, a 5 minute timer and a game of who can put the most toys away does the trick....as well as everything picked up as part of a bedtime routine, before stories. Dinner is crock pot most nights, and breakfast is usually cereal or oatmeal during the week.

My house is not spotless, but I have kids, people can deal with it. They are clean, clothed, and fed. To me, that's pretty darn good.

How much more school do you have?

valgraves · Sep 17, 2012

I just started in August; my husband and I own a company we run from our home offices. I am now a FT nursing student and we have 3 kids, 3.5, 2.5, and 18 months. The only way around getting everything done, we hired an in home nanny. I still see the kids on weekends and I have dinner with them, all of us as a family, and play after dinner and put them to bed. I miss my family but i know this will be worth it when i graduate next year. My husband is very supportive, letting me sleep in on days I dont have school, and he makes lunch and dinner every day but saturdays (when i make a big family dinner). We keep everything great by having a date night 1x a week. good luck!

Witty3RN · Nov 5, 2012

I just started in August; my husband and I own a company we run from our home offices. I am now a FT nursing student and we have 3 kids, 3.5, 2.5, and 18 months. The only way around getting everything done, we hired an in home nanny. I still see the kids on weekends and I have dinner with them, all of us as a family, and play after dinner and put them to bed. I miss my family but i know this will be worth it when i graduate next year. My husband is very supportive, letting me sleep in on days I dont have school, and he makes lunch and dinner every day but saturdays (when i make a big family dinner). We keep everything great by having a date night 1x a week. good luck!

Wow!! You are very lucky - best of luck with nursing school!!

Witty3RN · Nov 5, 2012

My husband work from 8:00 - 4:30 and suffers while using most of his income to pay our bill (his words not mine). I work part-time, take care of three kids 12, 8, & 3, go to nursing school full-time, do all the grocery shopping, clean house, all the laundry, and cook all meals. My husband does what he wants on the weekends and doesn't understand why I'm stressed to the max. Now it's deer season he'll be gone every weekend for the next month. I'm counting down the months till May and I'm so over my husband right now..

FlorenceNtheMachine · Nov 5, 2012

Put your family first! Always always. An "A" has never been worth missing out on special occasions. I'm not 100% sure but a 4.0 GPA is not going to hold my hand on my deathbed and kiss me into the next world.

Love and dote on your support group! They need it just as much as you do. I'm lucky to have had a great supportive family. For most days, I have had a good homecooked meal on the table and tucked my kid in every night.

The spotless house??? Ehhhhh, some things aren't a priority. Bathroom and kitchen clean? Good enough for this family.

Lolita34 · Nov 6, 2012

I'm starting my second year in a part time program. It's only part time and I cannot imagine how those of you will children and families manage a full time program. We have 4 kids, I work 24 hrs a week, and my husband is a full time police officer. Sometimes I feel resentful cause I still have the majority of the household chores but I try to remind myself that he has a very stressful job.It takes a lot of work and communication.

Are you in an ASN or BSN program? How many classes are you taking?

Stoogesfan · Nov 6, 2012

Are you in an ASN or BSN program? How many classes are you taking?

I'm in an ASN program. I take about 2 courses plus clinical a semester.

Lolita34 · Nov 7, 2012

I'm in an ASN program. I take about 2 courses plus clinical a semester.

I am starting a BSN program in August and trying to decide if I should go part time. I'm trying to balance family and school without being too overwhelmed.

fluency · Nov 7, 2012

You two need to figure out a way to make each other count. School is not going away for a while, and you can't lose your family over it. Not sure if this will help, but I just completed my 1st year of a 3 year program. Some of the things I've done to decrease the stress at home and keep my marriage deep into the positive are things such as, making my husband breakfast daily before he goes to work, we spend the time together in the kitchen in the morning, chatting, checking emails, joking. That one hour that we have carved out in the morning always puts us both off to a good start.

I read a few articles that indicated study time should be limited to 45-min. sessions, and then do 20-min. I've implemented this and it has helped me tremendously. During my "break" time, I take care of my chores. Sweep a floor, wash a dish, throw a load in the machine, whatever. Somehow at the end of the week, my house is clean (and I get to do it all over again :)

I have two teen-aged children, so they don't need as much attention. However, we do both make it a point to be available to them for any homework, sports, etc. as much as possible. If we both can't make it to their events, we'll take turns.

Like so many others, finances are pretty tight since I'm not working. What I've done to compensate is bring date-nights home. I'll prepare a nice candlelight dinner, actually take the time to put on a dress, some "smell good" and sexy heels, and have a romantic dinner at home. Other times, I'll find a great "boy" movie and take the time to have enjoy that with him. Another thing you can do is to find something that you both enjoy that you can laugh about. There's some great 30-min shows that we watch (when time permits - that keeps us both in stitches).

My strategy is to keep every moment I have with my spouse as pleasant as possible. We all know nursing school is extremely stressful and some days you won't be your best, it's going to happen. However, your home needs to be your haven. I'm sure you'll find some great ways to get back to enjoying your family life, you just need to hit each person where their heart lies. Maybe I'm just fortunate that my husband is simple in enjoying a great meal and a good laugh.

Best of luck.