Supporting family member with severe depression?

Hollybobs · Jan 28, 2016

Thank you for your reply NOADLS. Am trying to avoid inpatient stays/ECT as far as I can, partly because she will refuse, both ideas are absolute anathema to her. I have also witnessed these first-hand as a student nurse and some personalities do not flourish in this environment or with this treatment, although many thrive. ECT is very extreme- although I know it can be of benefit if needed and this is an extreme situation.

Hollybobs · Jan 28, 2016

i agree. And you need to reach out to other, actual healthcare providers for answers to your issues.

Yes, I definitely do but I don't know any. I thought nurses would be a good resource on how best to support someone as a family member and I have valued the thought-provoking responses.

heron, ASN, RN · Jan 28, 2016

OP, it seems like you are trying to case-manage your friend/relative. Are you her POA and are you discussing these concerns with her? These are really her decisions to make, I think.

I am in a similar position with my brother. I find that setting good boundaries and clear limits are the best thing I can do for him.

NurseLulurn · Jan 28, 2016

I know it can be frustrating to watch a loved one suffer from a mental illness. However, unless she takes control of her depression and does something about it, I'm not sure there is much you can do other than offer support.

Hollybobs · Jan 28, 2016

OP, it seems like you are trying to case-manage your friend/relative. Are you her POA and are you discussing these concerns with her? These are really her decisions to make, I think.
I am in a similar position with my brother. I find that setting good boundaries and clear limits are the best thing I can do for him.

I probably am trying to case-manage and interfere. I feel protective towards someone I love very dearly who is suffering and living a very unhappy and poor quality of life (by her own assessment and admission). Knowing that someone I love is in extreme emotional distress every day makes me want to do anything possible to help her. Especially as I do not want to look back and wish I had done more or something differently. Primarily, what i'd like is to know what to say, how to be there for her, this is different from anything I have experienced before.

I have discussed my concerns, as gently as possible. Unfortunately she currently cannot bear to think or speak about the situation and I have absolute respect for her decisions and wishes whether she is able to make them herself or not.

I'm sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation and am grateful for your reply.

Editorial Team / Admin · Jan 28, 2016

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Thank you all. :)

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Jan 28, 2016

Here are some things not to say to someone with depression:

"I know how you feel." No, you don't, even if you yourself suffer from depression. Their experience of it is different from yours.

"If you just think positive thoughts, you'll feel better." Believe me, if a clinically depressed person could do that, they would. No one chooses to be depressed. And it's not something that can be turned off by a switch.

"You should try yoga/diet/exercise/vitamins/etc. My friend/sister/aunt/mother-in-law/etc. does it and her depression went away." Also don't suggest specific medications, even if they're already taking something. Only their mental health professional knows how to adjust and/or change their med regimen. You can suggest they talk to him/her about what's going on; or if they only have a GP, diplomatically ask them if they've ever considered seeing someone with expertise in mental health. Sometimes all a person needs to make that move is to have their friend or loved one bring it up.

"Be grateful for what you have. There are plenty of people who have it way worse than you." No, no, no. Adding insult to injury is counterproductive and makes the depressed person feel even more guilty than they do already. And you can bet your bottom dollar that they feel like they're a burden anyway. Shaming them only makes everything worse.

Now here's something you can do that will help: be present for them. That doesn't mean you have to hold their hand 24/7, but when you are with them, let them know that while you may not understand what they're going through, you care a great deal and you are there to listen...even if they don't want to talk about it right then. Don't give advice unless they ask for it. Oftentimes all they need is a caring presence who will sit beside them in silence, or give them a hug. You can also bring them nourishing food when they're sick---people who are depressed usually don't feel like cooking---or some books/magazines you know they enjoy.

Hope this is helpful. Thank you OP for caring enough about your friend to seek advice on supporting her. Not everyone would.

Hollybobs · Jan 28, 2016

Thank you very much for taking the time to let me know about this.

dec2007 · Jan 28, 2016

Personal experience: light therapy can help, even if this is not Seasonal Affective Disorder. Many different med and combinations are available now. The best provider is one who is willing to try different dosages and combinations until something works. Encourage a routine, even one that is mostly home-bound if your loved one doesn't want to leave home much. Good luck to you both!

Hollybobs · Jan 28, 2016

Thank you so much for the insight Viva, it IS very helpful.

It is a VERY different kettle of fish when it is your loved one, I haven't been getting all of this right at all. It was the "being present, being quiet, being really diplomatic, listening, not giving advice, background support" stuff I haven't done properly. Every inner reaction screams at me to help, to fix, to solve, to advise, manage etc. And probably there has been some panic thrown in. I will address and control this. Then I can focus on learning to be present in a useful way and help in small, unintrusive practical ways.

She isn't just a friend, she is someone more dear to me than anyone in my life and has always been there if I have struggled with anything. Can claim no credit for unusual caring unfortunately!

Hollybobs · Jan 28, 2016

Personal experience: light therapy can help, even if this is not Seasonal Affective Disorder. Many different med and combinations are available now. The best provider is one who is willing to try different dosages and combinations until something works. Encourage a routine, even one that is mostly home-bound if your loved one doesn't want to leave home much. Good luck to you both!

I will try anything like that with the person's permission, we have tried light therapy, not thought about routine though. Can't harm. Thank you Wife of Bill!

Julius Seizure · Jan 28, 2016

I feel for you and your family member, OP. I have friends in the UK with mental health struggles. It usually isnt easy (or quick) to get good care for that promptly in your country.

As Viva said, your job is to be an unconditional source of caring about them. NOT their "fixer". If they ask for help contacting medical providers, that is one thing, but be careful taking it upon yourself to manage their health needs. And please don't speculate on diagnoses like bipolar disorder. For your part, it really doesnt/shouldnt matter what label her problems have, just be supportive. Leave the diagnosing to the doctor and they will decide which medicines are most appropriate. I hope that didn't come across too harshly. I mean it from a place of trying to be helpful in my suggestions.

I hope your family member can get in with someone who is able to help them better soon.