Stupid People Award

Published

The winner goes to the lady with a "broken tooth"...treating herself with battery acid "to numb the area"

Specializes in ICU, ER.

We had a construction worker who got tired of his pants flapping around his work boots. He tried to attach the pants to the boots with a three-inch nail - shot from nail gun, right through his foot.

And then thre was the guy who tried cleaning his ear canals with a metal skewer. Came to the ER complaining of ear pain and bloody drainage from his ears. Remember: if it wasn't for stupid people, half of us would be unemployed.

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Specializes in ER.

First male I ever foley'd in the ER had some serious swelling around his testicles so I asked if he really wanted me to do it. He did, so I tried. It just kept coiling up in the member and when retracted revealed lots of bright red clots. My preceptor then went in to try inserting a coude and I could hear her asking him what he'd been doing with his groin. No answers were forthcoming, so she attempted to foley him. No luck for her, either. Finally, an ER doc shows up and he happens to be a guy who looks like a cross between the Michelin Man and the StaPuff Marshamallow Man. We hear him say, "Buddy, I don't care where you've stuck yourself and what you've done to it, but I do need to know if there's a reason why we can't catherterize you." At that, the patient admits that 3-ply industrial wire he knots and inserts in his member "got stuck this time, so I had to yank it out really hard." We had no urologist on call so we discharged him to the local member Palace and he returned 2 hours later with a suprapubic cath. He sees me and says, "I'm never going to piss right again and I don't know if I should tell my wife. She always thought I was working on a clock out in shed and I think this would upset her." One of my colleagues suggested that he complete the clock before telling her about his trials with home grown member enhacements. :biere:

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Specializes in ER.

More wacky people and their sick perversions ... This is the tally from the last three months in the busiest ER in the state of New Jersey:

Retained tampons: 8. Slow season, I guess

Retained condoms: 11. Another slow season.

Retained headless Polly Pocket dolls: 5 for one patient, 2 for another.

Half & Halfs: A toilet bowl brush inserted brush end first into the rectum. Laid the patient on his stomach and had to drape a sheet over him. Everyone who walked by muttered "Land Shark." Friday's cobb salad inserted beans and guac first, causing the lettuce leaves, corn, and bacon bits to shake and finally fall to the floor whenever the patient walked. An 89 year old woman complaining of lady partsl bleeding caused by her having inserted a fork into her lady parts. The banana her male friend had put up their earlier had become too mushy to extract in the usual (???) manner, hence the choice of cutlery.

All the way gone: A rigid butt plug minus it's base which passed through the second sphincter. An old fashioned riot stick jammed so far up the wazzo, the handstrap wasn't even sticking out! My favorite, however, was the local prosecutor who showed up complaining of a recurring lady partsl infection after she douched. The culprit? Newman's Own Light Italian.

Seeing pointy toed boots and shoes up asses is a daily given, as is the assortment of veggies incubating in curious spots. But gross has got to reach new depths when a good looking, well dressed local celeb wanders in holding a strangely shaped box before him and demands to see the best surgeon we have on call NOW! One of the ER docs managed to bump the box out of the patients' hands and we got a clue right quickly: Poor dead Puss was in rigor and the man's member was trapped in puss's ass. He'd tried to saw the animal off but was afraid he'd miss and slice his own member. He'd even tried to soften up the cat by dipping it in a hot bubble bath. How long that cat had been attached to his member, I never found out, but we did learn that he engaged in sex with the animal after it was already dead. So, that's what some folks do with road kill, eh? :paw: :paw: :paw::paw:

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OK...that one made my chin drop to the floor. It will be hard falling asleep tonight now.

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Specializes in Happily semi-retired; excited for the whole whammy.

So just in case it ever happens to one of us, how does one remove a dead cat from a man's member (or is that a man's member from a dead cat?)

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Specializes in geri, med/surg, neuro critical care.
Poor dead Puss was in rigor and the man's member was trapped in puss's ass. He'd tried to saw the animal off but was afraid he'd miss and slice his own member. He'd even tried to soften up the cat by dipping it in a hot bubble bath. How long that cat had been attached to his member, I never found out, but we did learn that he engaged in sex with the animal after it was already dead. So, that's what some folks do with road kill, eh? :paw: :paw: :paw::paw:

:angryfire :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire :angryfire

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Specializes in FNP, Peds, Epilepsy, Mgt., Occ. Ed.

was the local prosecutor who showed up complaining of a recurring lady partsl infection after she douched. The culprit? Newman's Own Light Italian

OK, I just can't resist, I have to ask. What was Newman's Own supposed to do???

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Specializes in Mental Health and MR/DD.
First male I ever foley'd in the ER had some serious swelling around his testicles so I asked if he really wanted me to do it. He did, so I tried. It just kept coiling up in the member and when retracted revealed lots of bright red clots. My preceptor then went in to try inserting a coude and I could hear her asking him what he'd been doing with his groin. No answers were forthcoming, so she attempted to foley him. No luck for her, either. Finally, an ER doc shows up and he happens to be a guy who looks like a cross between the Michelin Man and the StaPuff Marshamallow Man. We hear him say, "Buddy, I don't care where you've stuck yourself and what you've done to it, but I do need to know if there's a reason why we can't catherterize you." At that, the patient admits that 3-ply industrial wire he knots and inserts in his member "got stuck this time, so I had to yank it out really hard." We had no urologist on call so we discharged him to the local member Palace and he returned 2 hours later with a suprapubic cath. He sees me and says, "I'm never going to piss right again and I don't know if I should tell my wife. She always thought I was working on a clock out in shed and I think this would upset her." One of my colleagues suggested that he complete the clock before telling her about his trials with home grown member enhacements. :biere:

Only one question comes to mind, "WHY?!?!?!?!?!"

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Specializes in med-surg, home health, hospice, LTC.
:barf02:
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Specializes in ER.

I've got one, I was at triage, this lady in her fifties from my church comes in with a man not her husband but another woman's. ( get where this is going?) I ask her what brings her to the ER? She seems uncomfortable, now mind you she has always been very condescending towards me in church and has always tried to make me feels like I'm no doing my part. She says "well we were fooling around and we lost this thing up there." This women weighs about 400 pounds, I ask her to explain because I'm not sure which port she is talking about or what kind of an object she is talking about. So she proceeds to explain that it was a D---o and it was stuck up her butt. Now I am completely embarassed, I excuse myself and get my charge nurse and tell her, so she can bring her straight back, after messing with this lady for 6 hours in ER she finally ended of with a temporary colostomy for 4 weeks, explain that to your kids.

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Specializes in ICU, ED, Transport, Home Care, Mgmnt.

Just recently mom brought in newborn. She was giving kid a bath and the cord fell off, she freaked! :uhoh21: Some people should not be parents! I guess she forgot the discharge instrucitons or maybe she never understood. Maybe she thought they said "biblical cord" and thought something would fall out of the bible.:uhoh21:

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Specializes in LTC.

LOL keep them coming! Good to have a laugh after a hard night at work!!

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