Starting school and need to stay focused

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Ok, so this is my first post. Here it goes. I am 46 years old and going back to school. I have wanted to be a nurse since I was little, but life always seemed to get in the way. Now I have commited to doing what I have always desired. So here is the situation. My daughter is 21 and still lives at home. She is not motivated and counts on me for everything. There always seems to be some kind of drama going on. I am so afraid that I will not be able to focus on school because I worry about her all the time and wish she would get her life together. I have given her the best life and all the resources to succeed, and now I feel it is my turn to work on me. :confused: She drains me and her dad emotionaly and I don't know what to do. I love her so much and wish she would get her life together. I pay for her phone and her car insurance and give her gas money. She can't seem to find a job and she keeps changing from one college to another. I know times are hard and jobs are not easy to come by, but she stays out all night and then sleeps most of the day. I will have to quit my job soon for school and it will just be my husbands income supporting us. And oh by the way, I also have a 6 year old son. Yes he was a surprise, but a good one. He is part of the reason I want to go back to school. He was born at 26 weeks gestation and was in the NICU for four months before we could bring him home. We have been through a lot and he is our little miracle :heartbeat. I start Barry University October 21 and being in my forties going back to school is going to be a challenge already and I just don't want to be distracted by her issues. I just want to have peace in our home. Thanks for listening.

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Sounds tough. In college you'll encounter a lot of young adults like her. They will drive you crazy, and you might find you have even less patience for your daughter's behavior. As someone who has messed up in school in the past as a young adult I just want to tell you that there is always hope she may change and mature. In order for that to happen though she might have to face some of the harsher realities of life. Help her when you can but try not to help so much that she depends on you instead of being able to learn how to grow up and be independant. Good luck in school! I think working hard to follow your dream is the most help you can give either of your children. Your teaching them by example how to set goals and work toward them.

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Specializes in Critical Care, Postpartum.

Think about it for a minute...If you were your daughter, why would you be motivated to get a job if mom and dad is willing to pay for everything? You have to show some tough love or you'll suffer that same fate with your son. She's milking you and she knows it. Hence her staying out all night and sleeping in all day.

She is an adult at 21. You have already shown her so much love by not kicking her out. She hasn't learned responsibility, so who's really to blame for that? I have a family member who is 22 and even worse. Her parents have money and therefore pays for her apartment, among other things.

Its your turn to do what you've always wanted to do and that is to be a nurse. You can't allow her to drain you emotionally and physically. You need to be at your best to take the prerequisites and to do well in NS. You need the support of your husband so you both are a united force.

Wish you the best.

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Thank you for your kind remarks. Everything you both said is absolutely true. I pray every night for her to grow up and start being responsible. Her dad is so hurt and dissapointed he barely talks to her. I am making a promise to myself to stop giving in to her everytime she comes to me for money. My husband supports me tremendously and only wants the best for me. So it is time for new beginings. I am soooo excited to start school in two weeks. I only have a few prerequesites because of my previous degree. I don't want anything or anybody to take the joy out of my dream! Thanks for the support!;)

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Specializes in School Nursing.

My parents made me get a job at 16 years old. As soon as that took place, they made it my responsibility to buy my own things like make up, entertainment, clothing. When I left school, they required I pay rent. Their rule was if you're not in school, you pay your own way. Even when I was in school, I needed a part time job to pay for things like my phone line (precell), clothes, extras. These were ALWAYS minimum wage jobs. Pizza places, retail clothes, subway, then on to waitress.

The point- you're not past the point of no return.. but you will be if you keep allowing her to take advantage of you and your husband. She is an adult. She needs to either be working at a degree, full time or working full time. She needs to make her own money and pay YOU rent if she's going to live under your roof. She needs to pay her own cell phone bill and contribute to the groceries.

I know it is hard, and you'll probably be unpopular for a while.. but the lessons she learns will teach her that she can't depend on other people to take care of her.. only herself.

Good luck.. it IS your turn to do something for YOU.

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I personally didn't have a car or a cell phone (well probably pager back then) until I could pay for those things myself. I agree, your daughter isn't motivated because she has no reason to be.

Be cautious, I have an uncle that sounds like your daughter and he is in his 40s and can't get his life together. Whenever he gets in trouble financially, loses job, etc, he goes to his parents to bail him out. My grandparents are in their 80s and their retirement is dwindling fast.

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Thank you for the advise. Hearing this from others does make me realize I must make some changes myself in order for her to change. I need to be strong and realize it is for her own benefit. It is time for her to face the music and realize it is the result of her own decisions she makes. It is time that I make my life long dream a reality!! Much Love to all!:loveya:

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Specializes in Private Practice- wellness center.

Ummm....as one of those kids myself, I will say this:

It's time to MAKE her grow her wings. Even today my parents said it was HARD for them to make me grow up, but it really was one of the best things they ever did for me. I was 22 and still trying to decide on a major while partying all weekend. They told me "put up or get out...." They gave me a week to find a job- and they would have cut me off if I hadn't. I was then allowed enough time to get my first paycheck and they quit paying my way COMPLETELY. I kept $40.00 out of each paycheck and gave them the rest for rent, food, utlities, car insurance...you name it. ($40.00 went a LOT further in 1991 that it does now. UGH!) I was also surprised at how much better my grades got once *I* had to pay for my own education.

I am now 40, have a great little family and have my act together- otherwise I imagine I wouldn't be all that different than a few of the people already mentioned on here. :-/

Good luck! Remember- you deserve it! It's time for Mom to get to do what she wants now.

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If I was your daughter I wouldn't do anything either if you paid for my cellphone, car, and gas. I know it's tough to tell her "no" but it has to be done. Cut off her cell phone & quit giving her gas money, without those two things she'll more than likely go insane, Which means she'll get a job for gas $$ and to pay her cell phone bill because she won't want to live without them! I know it sounds harsh, but if children have to work for things they want they are more likely to appreciate them more.

As far as you go, if you have a good support system with your husband you will do wonderful in nursing school! :) That is half the battle right there! I say you focus on you now, you've done your duty by raising your daughter, she just needs a swift kick to learn how to fly! :) Good luck in NS, just stay focused, manage your time well, & you will do wonderful!!

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You are ENABLING her to be this way. Stop enabling, problem solved. It's YOUR time now, she stopped being your "problem" around 18. Focus on you, YOU are the only one who can change this issue, not her and your husband. hang in there, my in-laws are going through this with their 21 year old, so I have lost patience hearing about it, sorry if I sound harsh, lol!

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Thanks "wantobemidwife", No I don't think you are being harsh. You are being honest. It is true. It is now time for me!! thanks!;)

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You CAN do it!!!! Good luck!

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