Spouse of an Er nurse needs help

ERNURSE4MS · Jun 4, 2005

I don't know what your situation was before she started in the ER , but with as little of information as you have given, this is all I can suggest. Start with an open and honest approach. Ask her if there is any thing you can do to help her de-stress in a productive way. I know some people see nothing wrong with a drink or 2 every so often with their friends. I am a recovering alcoholic and ex-smoker, that said, there have been quite a few times I have felt like falling off the wagon, if it had not been for my faith in God and my loving supportive husband, it would have been real easy. The ER is a stressful place. Unlike other areas( I AM NOT PUTTING DOWN ANY AREA!!!, I know all nursing is stressful) you have to deal with things that are sometimes unbelieveable-such as multiple traumas all at once, maybe a pediatric code with a bad outcome, a sweet little old granny with a life changing stroke, a car wreck with 3 teens killed and 1 that you are working feverishly to save, etc. So try to understand and be supportive of her as a wife and as a nurse. If the drinking is becoming excessive the talk about AA or councilling. I hope that I have helped. God bless you.

nbnurse95 · Jun 4, 2005

Well, I can tell you that no one understands a nurse more than another nurse. ERNURSE4MS is right; nursing is stressful. I'm not saying that you don't support her, all I'm saying is that we do see some unbelievable things somtimes that are SO unbelievable that you pretty much have to experience it for yourself to REALLY get it. I talk to my husband about my day but there's only so much I can say. It's hard to flip that switch when you get home so that you can treat injured or dying people one minute then come home and cook supper, wash the dishes, and be a wife and mom the next. We have so many demands at work from pts, Dr's, families etc., then we have more demands at home. My husband was a pt on my unit last year for minor surgery and he finally got a glimpse of what we do. He couldn't believe how busy we are. One evening there was a program about nurses on TV and my husband said, "I don't know how you do it. How can you face pain and death every day and still be normal?" I've been nursing for 10 years and he's only really starting to "get it" now. He's not insensitive, he just didn't know. It wasn't his fault. If I always spoke to him about everything, I'd feel like I was complaining, and that too can put a strain on a relationship. I don't work in the ER but I have friends who do. Even as a nurse I can only imagine the unpredictables that come crashing through the door all day.

Now, I also understand where you're coming from, you love her and want to be her support, and you can be. I'm sure she appreciates it. Have you told her how you feel? Is she ALWAYS going out? Does she drink to excess? I think most hospitals have what our hospital calls an "Employee Assistance Program". They have resources for all sorts of things from stress management to marriage councelling to financial planning. Whatever "problem" you have, they try to help you. Maybe you could look into that for her? Obviously, by writing on allnurses you really care a lot. Continue being supportive, she really needs it.

student4ever · Jun 4, 2005

My wife has been an er nurse for about a year now. In the last two months, she has changed quite a bit. She has returned to smoking cigarettes, and all she seems to want to do is go out drinking with the other people she works with. This has caused quite a bit of friction between us. (I will not go through the whole story unless someone needs more info to advise me better.) Does anyone have any suggestions on where I can find some advice on how to support her in her stressful job better so she does not continue to seek out these unhealthly ways of managing her stress.
Thanks in advance,
Jim

I agree with what the other posters have to say. I can't comment on the smoking thing, as I am a smoker - and believe me, working in the ED I really need it sometimes! Not that I'm a pro-smoker.... I wish I didn't have this habit, but I'm just not at a point where I'm ready to quit. On the drinking thing - if it's an every day or several times a week, yeah, I'd worry too. Stress wreaks havoc on us all in different ways. If it's turning into an escape, I'd worry. But on the other hand, if it's like, once a week or less, and she's not coming home smashed all the time, try and be understanding. As the others have said, there are things that ER nurses go through that only other ER nurses/staff understand. There's a sense of teamwork and commonality between the ER staff - kind of like how army buddies will band together with a brotherhood that no one can touch. Your wife's workplace is her daily battlefield, and the people she works with are her "army buddies." She can talk and destress about her day with them in a way she cannot with you - and please please please don't take that to be a bad thing, in that you're totally left out. When she comes home after a bad day, a hug from you with a simple, "I'm so sorry your day sucked, but I'm so proud of you for the tough job you do helping others" will make all the difference, I promise. Also, in going out with her co-workers, she may be trying to spare you from having to hear more than you ever wanted to know about vomit, poop, blood, guts and things no one but an ER nurse can even imagine. I know my dear boyfriend appreciates it when I go out with my coworkers to rehash everything that went on during a day rather than coming home and giving him all the details, and not feeling satisfied because he doesn't understand my frustration, or doesn't appreciate the sick kind of humor that becomes a coping mechanism for most of us, or he's simply too grossed out. Not to mention he doesn't understand the terminology I use anyways.

SOrry I went on so long. Basically, I guess I'm saying a little is normal and to be expected, and don't feel jealous if it seems she'd rather share her work life with her coworkers. It's not because she doesn't love you and want you to be involved in her life, but there are things you will never understand, and really you probably don't want to. However, if it's occurring frequently and she's pulling away from you in other areas, it needs attention. You could try suggesting she see a therapist who specializes in post trauma therapy. He/She could probably suggest some coping mechanisms for your wife that would be much less destructive than smoking or excessive drinking. I applaud you for your efforts to understand your wife and the stress she's under, and for wanting to be supportive. A lot of the nurses in our ER are either unmarried or divorced - most (unfortunately) as a side effect of their dedication to the ER, and their x-hubbys' inability to be supportive of that dedication. You sound like a keeper! Good luck, and make sure your wife knows how much you love her, cause it sounds like you do - a lot!!!

Trauma Columnist · Jun 4, 2005

First, thanks from an ER nurse for supporting your dear wife so much. Then, I think she must be under a tremendous amount of pressure and I wonder if she needs someone to talk to? It doesn't always take one life-altering trauma to need some stress relief - usually, its a lot of little trauma building up. Would your wife agree to talk with the Employee Assistance Program people where she works? Good luck...judi

PennyLane, RN · Jun 4, 2005

Does your wife see any change in her behavior? What does she have to say? When you say, "all she wants to do is go out drinking" do you mean that the two of you don't spend time together anymore? Do the two of you go out at all, or is she out every night with work friends without you? I think we need a bit more to go on.

As for healthy ways to manage stress, can you suggest things the two of you can do together? Take up bike riding, yoga classes, hiking, etc. But I think the most important thing would be to talk to her, really LISTEN to what she has to say, and be supportive of her feelings.

teeituptom, BSN, RN · Jun 9, 2005

My wife has been an er nurse for about a year now. In the last two months, she has changed quite a bit. She has returned to smoking cigarettes, and all she seems to want to do is go out drinking with the other people she works with. This has caused quite a bit of friction between us. (I will not go through the whole story unless someone needs more info to advise me better.) Does anyone have any suggestions on where I can find some advice on how to support her in her stressful job better so she does not continue to seek out these unhealthly ways of managing her stress.
Thanks in advance,
Jim

Im not sure what to say

But if I went out drinking with all those cute young nurses I work with my wife would kill me.

If I dont spend time with my wife and give her attention she would kill me

For the life of me, while I may like the people I work with. When away from work, I cant even imagine spending time with my coworkers.

I would say talk to your wife

Cook her romantic meals

buy her Jewelry

Buy her flowers

Make her happy anyway she wants it

And after 30 yrs of marriage, I know in any relationship, that the man is always wrong no matter what. My wife told me so

Aneroo, LPN · Jun 9, 2005

I would say talk to your wife
Cook her romantic meals
buy her Jewelry
Buy her flowers
Make her happy anyway she wants it
And after 30 yrs of marriage, I know in any relationship, that the man is always wrong no matter what. My wife told me so

Do you have a brother? :chuckle (J/k I'm taken).

2bRn-STAT · Jun 9, 2005

Wow, that is too bad to hear. Sometimes we just conform to our environment. Im sure the women that your wife clicked with are smokers and that makes it so easy to get back into a bad habit. I hate to hear about a nurse that smokes. I know we are not perfect, but imagine your endocrinologist with uncontrolled diabetes. Well, just be supportive instead of corrective. Let her know that you are worried and concerned, as well as do not approve of some of the things she is doing. A marriage is a compromise and no matter how stressed she is, she still needs to keep her family happy and not worried. Hopefully she is just going through a little something that will pass. I could really get a better feel for all that she is doing if I knew her age. Dont want to offend any one but here is a little Dr. Phil- if she is not 26 or older this may be a simple phase. If she has always seemed a bit irresponsible and she is 26 or older then it may be the true her coming out again with her wild group of girls. Depending on her age- no woman over 25, married should be drinking with her co-workers more than twice in a month.

Or it could be you, She might feel that you are trying to control her and she has always wanted to smoke again and didnt for you- rather than for herself and finds comfort in non judgemental friends that understand her stress. Be supportive and she will come around at her own pace and time.

Good Luck

PennyLane, RN · Jun 9, 2005

Depending on her age- no woman over 25, married should be drinking with her co-workers more than twice in a month.

Wow, you are strict. Just because I've been in a committed relationship for over 7 years doesn't mean we have to spend every minute with each other. I enjoy having friends of my own, and we do occasionally have a few drinks together. As long as one's relationship doesn't suffer, and there is open communication, I don't think there needs to be a limit on how often you can hang out with your friends.

allamericangirl · Jun 9, 2005

Jim...

My husband and I don't go out often. I am not much of a drinker, and have always taken myself and my performance on the job too seriously in every job I've ever worked. I am not athletic, and don't enjoy participating in sports, but I love to dance! When I am overwraught and stressed out, my husband says, "You have 60 minutes! Put on your "dancin' shoes", and lets go!" He takes me out, lets me have a few too many drinks, dances my tail off, drives me safely home and puts me to bed! After that I'm good to go for months! If he didn't help and participate with me, I would probably just explode.

Sometimes old sayings are the best sayings because they are true. I know you have heard the term "going out and blowing off a little steam". When too much steam builds up in the steam engine the engine blows up, so the engineer allows it to "blow a little steam"! Be a good engineer and help your wife by being part of a life with her outside of her work and outside of your home. Help her to have more of a life than work and home. Get out and do some things with her that she likes to do. Don't ask her, just start getting some planned outings together and then take her! Good luck. :)

2bRn-STAT · Jun 9, 2005

Yeah, I agree Penny-Its just that he didnt give any info for us to really go on, so my thing was-if she went from not going out to drink at all-to drinking with her girlfriends all the time-somebody that is a responsible woman needs to kind of give him an ideal of what is a drastic change. He could be so used to her not going out at all that he thinks her leaving every other saturday night is extreme. Which I dont think at all. Point is, he could be over-exaggerating his wife's going out and "drinking all the time" becuz he sees too much change in such short time. I get out too, wish it was a little more often than what it is:) There need not be a limit, I think it starts to become an issue when it is extreme or different than the norm, or with a bunch of single women, or interfering with the couples' plans.