Spin off of the thread on putting mom in the nursing home

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Specializes in BNAT instructor, ICU, Hospice,triage.

I'm the MPOA for my grandma, both of her 2 kids are deceased. So Grandma is 100%, as sharp as a tack. But she does have some weakness in her left leg that she does not want to go visit an ortho doctor, and her family doc has done multiple tests, x-rays, scans, etc. Nothing shows up.

Grandma adamantly steadfastly wants desperately to continue living at home by herself. And yeah, she is scarey to watch as she ambulates, but she has been like this for about 9 months. And has had no falls. (Even if she did, doesn't Grandma have the right to choose its worth the risk to stay home even if she would fall? I mean really she is 93 years old. She has had a lady help her with her bath and drives her to her appointments and to run errands.

My aunt, who is Grandma's daughter-in-law, thinks she should be put in the nursing home. This has been an ongoing thing since 2007 when Grandma broke her hip. My aunt and her daughters (my cousins) want Grandma in the nursing home or assisted living so that the community (we live in a rural community where everybody knows everybody's business) won't blame us for the time when eventually Grandma will probably fall.

I totally am on Grandma 's side, if this is how she wants to live out her last days on the farm, why can't she? It is her decision! I have tried to get Grandma to live with us but she threw a fit and said absolutely no way she'd ever do that. She does not want to be a burden. She said she would rather live in the nursing home than the assisted living. And I'd be the same way!!! I visit a myriad of assisted livings every day and I see how they are. The residents all fight with each other and they are just cliquey and they are ritzy with all their jewelry and dressed up to the nines. Grandma would never fit in with them. And Grandma probably has more money than all of them put together! She and I will never give up our flannel shirts LOL. We love our rural private life.

I'm sure if and when Grandma does fall, if there is a serious injury and she can no longer manage at home she will agree to go when I tell her. But I know what she wants and its what I would want!

Am I wrong here? My aunt and cousin are relentless!

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Specializes in CICU.

Correct if I am wrong, but unless someone goes to court and manages to be appointed her guardian it is her decision.

Again, could be wrong, but even the DPOA doesn't allow you to override her decisions as long as she is of sound mind. In other words, it may be moot point.

FWIW, I agree with Grandma - its her life and people fall at nursing homes all the time...

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I wouldn't say you are wrong. If she is in her right mind she has the right to do as she wants. My mom's 93 year old aunt still lives by herself in her home and cared for her 95 year old husband until the day he died (they did have an aid for a couple of hours a day). The whole family was upset by the situation given that the only bathroom was on the 2nd floor and there was no way she could care for the two of them (which she did struggle to do) but both of them were as sharp as a tack and refused nursing home care. She is now living there alone and we all fear the day she falls, gets hurt etc but she is stubborn and won't live with her only daughter either.

What can you do? It's hard to force them to leave.

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Specializes in Professional Development Specialist.

The MDPOA doesn't kick in until she is unable to make her own decisions. Likely in the wording of the document there is provisions, such as "when declared incompetent by 2 Mds." Otherwise she absolutely has the right to spend her last days however she wants. If that means she falls and dies as a result, that's her decision and she has a right to it, IMHO. As long as your judgement isn't clouded by sentiment, I agree with you.

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Does the aunt want to be placed there as well when she is A & O, sharp, and can make her own decisions? :cool:

My only words to the aunt would be "Bite me". Stick with grandma :up: She DOES have the right to assume risks.

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I agree TOTALLY with you. My grandma stayed on the farm alone unitl she fell over making the bed and was dead before she hit the floor said the Doc. Her funeral was so happy because we all said we want to go like that: in our own homes until the very end!

She would never have gone to any other place. It's their money, let them spend it on the kind of life they want.

Why shouldn't they be able to choose? We all can make DNR etc decisions, so this is not as big as that, is it?

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Specializes in Med surg, Critical Care, LTC.

As all of you have stated, and I agree. If Grandma is alert and oriented, of sound mind, than she calls the shots. She is 93 y/o, God bless her, and she has the right to live her life as she chooses. You may want to suggest one of those alarms that hang around her neck, in case she falls and can't get up - this way she could call for help. Other than that, I hope she lives the rest of her life to it's fullest! Nice to hear your sticking with Grandma - she probably knows best anyway!;)

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I think its really sad that people think that 90+ year olds need to be treated like children when they are of sound smind. She has so much life experience and wisdom and thats why I love the elderly, you can always learn something. I am a beleiver in letting people grow old and taking care of them appropriately, just be a good grand-daughter and love her, thats what is important to the elderly people, they love their family!

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Specializes in psych, addictions, hospice, education.

I totally agree with grandma!

And, I have to say that there are some very very nice assisted nursing facilities that don't have the characteristics you described...

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Specializes in BNAT instructor, ICU, Hospice,triage.
As all of you have stated, and I agree. If Grandma is alert and oriented, of sound mind, than she calls the shots. She is 93 y/o, God bless her, and she has the right to live her life as she chooses. You may want to suggest one of those alarms that hang around her neck, in case she falls and can't get up - this way she could call for help. Other than that, I hope she lives the rest of her life to it's fullest! Nice to hear your sticking with Grandma - she probably knows best anyway!;)

She does have that. Thank you!

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Specializes in ICU, Telemetry.

Home's best, if it's possible. When I work hospice, I've seen people over 100 who still lived at home -- usually they had a lot of money and could afford around the clock CNAs, (if they're a 100, their kids aren't young, either) or were on hospice and had a daily caregiver, visits by Hospice nurse 2 or 3 times a week. That's how I'd want to go, if I could.

However, I'm in the "work until you drop dead" generation.

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My family is against nursing homes, all 3 of my grandmas stay with one of my family members. But than again Im from the caribbean and thats how it is there. I dont understand or like nursing homes. I think a person should die in their home if possible or with family. My mother who is only 47 already told me and my sister dont we dare put her in a nursing home when she is older.

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