Positive UDS

Nurses Recovery

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I tested positive for alcohol. Had a phone conversation with my case manager which was extremely negative. I was trying to be adult about it and own up to my mistake. I was met with her berating on my "lack of remorse". I simply said I could scream and cry and ask for forgiveness or just take responsibility, deal with the consequences and try to move passed it. She seemed very angry. I said I can't undo it, asked her if there was anything I needed to do. She said no, they will decide and let me know by the end of the week.

I suppose my question is, Is it the end for me? In Indiana is that it?

Hang in there Red. I am sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, there are people out there that love to kick people when they are down and love to be in a position of power. I have seen a lot of those folks since working in the behavioral health field the last few years. Keep your head up. This really is just a bump and is not that shocking, if your CM knows anything about recovery she should know that. Stay the course. It will be hard but it is doable and will be worth it in the end. I understand the dark thoughts too, I want you to always know you can come here or PM me to talk. I am not in your state but went through my own hell and back a few time. Hugs.

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When she asked if I actually thought I had a problem with alcohol, I again answered honestly. No, I don't believe I do. I think I have a problem drinking while I'm depressed and anxiety ridden. And again that was met with a scoff and "we all have bad weeks".

I started seeing a therapist before my DUI (and it actually wasn't just alcohol...) but it was too little, too late. Part of me thinks I intended to go drive and kill myself. I was uniquely lucky...I didn't hurt anyone else in my insanity.

I'm trying to claw my way back but it is difficult. It's not the drinking (it doesn't help for sure) that's the issue.

This is an abstinence only program...and I have decide if it worth stress and anxiety on top my already existing stress, anxiety, and depression.

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When she asked if I actually thought I had a problem with alcohol, I again answered honestly. No, I don't believe I do. I think I have a problem drinking while I'm depressed and anxiety ridden. And again that was met with a scoff and "we all have bad weeks".

I started seeing a therapist before my DUI (and it actually wasn't just alcohol...) but it was too little, too late. Part of me thinks I intended to go drive and kill myself. I was uniquely lucky...I didn't hurt anyone else in my insanity.

I'm trying to claw my way back but it is difficult. It's not the drinking (it doesn't help for sure) that's the issue.

This is an abstinence only program...and I have decide if it worth stress and anxiety on top my already existing stress, anxiety, and depression.

This is not meant as an insult. It took someone being brutally honest with me to breakdown my walls of denial. Most responsible drinkers, or drinkers who do not have a problem, don't get DUIs. I know people who have a drink and only then decide to get behind the wheel of a car. Does it make them bad? No. Could they seriously injure someone or themselves? Yes.

I can have very skewed logic. It seemed perfectly logical to me to self medicate my anxiety with opiates. I never diverted, felt I wasn't hurting anyone but me. But, I possessed a license that put me in contact with vulnerable people who were counting on me having better judgment than that. That's a game changer. We put ourselves in a position of micro-observation by seeking a license for nursing practice. And the only way to remove big brother is to get better, or leave the profession.

For some, it's worth it to leave. I tried it once and it was great for about the first year. I was free to drink, use whatever I wanted. But, that was the extent of it. I regretted it immensely and years later I petitioned the FBON for a second chance. That landed me right back at square one, where you are now. You can make square one work for you, or not. You have free choice... I could be wrong, but I think you'll regret it if you do.

I have been where you are. You don't have to believe that you have a problem with alcohol to believe that the people who hold your license in your hand do. They think you have a problem, at this point in your journey that's all that matters.

Since they haven't refrained you from practice yet, this is not a decision that needs to be made overnight. Sit and think about it... How would your life improve if you stopped monitoring? Are there any advantages to staying in monitoring? Bring this up with your support group and tell them that you are seriously considering quitting.

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Paige, I agree and also disagree. Our job isn't more important than a civil engineer plan construction of a bridge, a machinist making engine parts, or a truck driver. It's about perception. We, nurses and physicians, are glamorous.

I drank too much, self mediated while I drank but on my own time. Never at work. My DUI was an eye opener. And I have trying to work this out. I know people who don't drink or do drugs that shouldn't be nurses (or doctors lol).

Anyway....it's a system I'm stuck in unless I choose to step out.

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And I understand and respect that as your right. Perhaps you are very different then I. I tended to think I has compartmentalized my problems, but the longer I went on they began to bleed into all areas of my life. It just so happened that I was the last to know this was happening.

Again, I wish you so well on your journey. Don't disappear, come back and share your successes too as well as struggles. We all have them. Kudos to you for your integrity in this situation...

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Also I was tested again yesterday. Observed. I could not pee! I drank a bottle of water and had to try two more times! Then I was stressed about it looking too clear. Not worried about it being positive...however now it can't be anything.

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Specializes in CRNA, Finally retired.
Paige, I agree and also disagree. Our job isn't more important than a civil engineer plan construction of a bridge, a machinist making engine parts, or a truck driver. It's about perception. We, nurses and physicians, are glamorous.

I drank too much, self mediated while I drank but on my own time. Never at work. My DUI was an eye opener. And I have trying to work this out. I know people who don't drink or do drugs that shouldn't be nurses (or doctors lol).

Anyway....it's a system I'm stuck in unless I choose to step out.

If you choose to stay in and choose not to drink, no problem working. I know, Indiana.....sigh. But if you walk away, now you have a real problem for all the world to see if they Google you. Are you new in the program? If you can open up your mind, this can be the learning experience that will save your life. But first, get that depression treated properly. Alcohol is a depressant and only makes things worst when that drink wears off. You are back to where you started and a little lower.

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Of course alcohol doesn't help in the long term (or even short term). I am aware but it can mask things for a bit, or a moment.

And yes, I understand I need to keep an upper hand on the depression.

If people google me my DUI would probably come up first. And I honestly don't care. I've come to terms with that. I haven't been a nurse forever, it doesn't define me. If I leave the medical profession I'm sure it won't be an issue.

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Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).

Red,

You have received some good advice here so I won't beat you over the head with more. Still like you I never really saw my drinking as a problem. It was my solution for dealing with crippling anxiety, depression and PTSD. I spent most of my teens and adult life

drinking just so I could feel like a normal human being. The problem with this coping strategy is that it's running away and sooner or later you do have to turn around and face the monster who is chasing you. Now after years of sobriety I can look back at the ship wreck that was my life and know I would be dead today were it not for my monitoring contract. I found that calling my sponsor and just talking was often enough to sideline the urge to drink. Spending too much time in my own head with my anxiety and insecurity was never a good thing for me. It's good that you owned up to drinking. I doubt they will boot you. As for you case manager. She/he is contracted to manage your case not hold you hand and be your therapist. That's what the good people of AA and a good therapist are for.

At the end of the day you have to decide how much being a nurse means to you and if it's worth it. For me it certainly was as over time the fear, anxiety and depression melted away and the person I was before I started drinking emerged. Thank you for the trip down memory lane and a reminder of all I have gained. Thanks as well to Persephone and Subee. This time of year is a particularly bad time for me and I needed a recovery booster.

Hppy

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How long did it take for your case manager to contact you about your positive drug test? Did she call or send you a letter?

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Both an email and phone call.

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Was it after 7, 8 or 9 days after you went in to test, that you were notified by email & phone?

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