Help on Cover Letter

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Hi guys, I have been trying to apply to new grad positions and I had only landed one offer so far. I feel like I need help on my cover letter to make it more attractive. What do you guys suggest on how I can write better? Here it is below:

Dear Nurse Recruiter,

I am pleased to be writing about my interest for the New Graduate RN Residency Program at __hospital____. With the mission of ___hospital___ to improve the quality of health in the San Fernando Valley, I could not be interested more, given that this serves my community. I am seeking to transition as a new graduate nurse to a professional nurse, by growing with experience and skills to provide patient quality care.

Nursing was introduced to me as a child by my mother who is also a Registered Nurse. It was not until my great grandmother was ill, that I was able to witness firsthand, the compassion and attentive care nurses provided for her and my family. From that moment, I knew this career aligned with the value I had for wanting to helping others and make a difference. It gives me great satisfaction knowing I can invest my time in continuously expanding and enriching patient lives on a daily basis.

During my time as a nursing student, I found a passion for learning about various diseases and disorders, an interest in evolving technology, and a desire to transform patient expectations to the highest-level care. Along the way, I devoted myself to volunteer and be involved in the diverse communities surrounding me. Ultimately, my past experience in providing customer service in retail, allowed me to utilize the similar qualities I learned, in patient care settings. I tried my best to be proactive, offered to assist other health care staff, and dedicated myself to find ways to go above and beyond.

I would like to thank you for the opportunity to apply for the New Graduate RN Program at ____hospital____. Please feel free to contact me at any time by phone or by email. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you, and to experience new challenges in the future in order to reach my full potential as a registered nurse.

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Specializes in Pedi.

I think it reads awkwardly, to be honest.

These specific sentences are awkward:

With the mission of ___hospital___ to improve the quality of health in the San Fernando Valley, I could not be interested more, given that this serves my community.

I am seeking to transition as a new graduate nurse to a professional nurse, by growing with experience and skills to provide patient quality care.

It gives me great satisfaction knowing I can invest my time in continuously expanding and enriching patient lives on a daily basis.

What do you even mean by expanding patient lives?

I look forward to sharing my experiences with you, and to experience new challenges in the future in order to reach my full potential as a registered nurse.

As a new grad, what "experiences" do you have to share?

Cover letters should generally follow this format:

Paragraph 1- who you are and what you're applying for

Paragraph 2- why you are a good match for the facility

Paragraph 3- Thank you for your time, blah blah etc.

I think you need to re-write the entire thing and perhaps take it to the career center at your school or maybe a friend who is an English major for editing.

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Thanks for your opinion. Sorry the first one was awkward because I didnt wanna add the hospital name, if that was what was confusing, but anyway, I'm going to redo the whole thing. I think I was trying to sound as eloquent as I could but it turns out I wasnt actually getting anywhere with selling myself.

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Specializes in Pedi.

Even if you plug the name into that sentence it reads awkwardly. You were trying to hard to sound eloquent as you put it and it turned into an awkward and unnatural read.

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I agree with KelRN215. My English major skills are no longer sharp - I'm not sure if it's a matter of passive voice or a misplaced modifier or what the technical explanation is for each example - but the sentences could be re-written:

"I am inspired by __hospital's__ mission to improve the quality of health in the San Fernando Valley, as I have a deep connection to this community.

"As a new graduate, I seek learning opportunities to become a professional, experienced nurse and provide the best quality of care to my patients."

"I get great satisfaction from improving the quality of life for patients, and for the community at large."

"I look forward to continuing my journey to experienced nurse, and hope to take that journey with you."

But those are just isolated examples - you want the whole cover letter to flow naturally. Your school may have a writing center in the library that will help you focus each paragraph. Good luck!

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