Funny things patients say !

Nurses Humor

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While working in the emergency room I was taking care of a 90 year old lady who came in by wheelchair from a local rest home. Her complaint was right leg swelling and we found an obvious deformity of the femur but she denied any pain. An x-ray revealed a femur facture and the orthopedist was called. It was quite a long wait and I heard the patient call out "nurse come in here". I went to her and she asked me to get her up into her wheelchair, I explained to her that her leg was broken and she needed to stay in bed. She replied very seriously "only one of them is broken I can still scoot around in my chair now get me up out of this bed!"

Specializes in General.

Many years back when I still worked as a staff nurse in VIP room, a man with expensive suit was accompanying his mother that being readmitted for having urination dificulty. I saw him very familiar with hospital situation by some of his words about hospitalization. When we done settling his mother with all things in the VIP room, hi tapped my shoulder and speak gently, "I've been long suspecting that my mother having problem with prostate hypertrophy". I was about to smile but managed to keep myself well behaved and answered, "I'm afraid she isn't, Sir. But we can discussed it if you would like to". He firmly smile and said, "No thank you. I prefer to discuss the matter directly with the surgeon about removing her prostate..!". No more thing I could say, "Very well , Sir. I will notify the surgeon on the next call".

I went back to the nurse station, felt so glad not to be the one who will see his reaction when told that a woman has no prostate. :shy:

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today I was taking care of an end of life patient who is a 90 year old WWII vet. I was trying to make him comfortable, and as I leaned over him grabbed my boob and said "I'm sorry, I had to grab a titty one last time before I die" I was speechless!

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Once I had a patient to whom I said, "We are going to have to do a below-knee amputation, unfortunately."

He looked terrified and angry. Then he said, "No one is going to amputate MY baloney!"

Wow. I couldn't blame him!

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Specializes in Emergency Room.

"Well, my mom has a congested heart..."

"I have abdominal pain. I'm not sure if I'm pregnant but my period is 2 months late and I had tropical pregnancy so my doctor said if I ever get pregnant again I have to make sure the baby is in the right place."

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I woke a young gangbanger up from anesthesia for a.. you guessed it.. GSW. and he became quite combative attempting to pull out his A line, IJ cordis and NG tube which I had so thoughfuly put in him.. Reasoning with him was worthless and he was fighting all of us... he started spitting and yelled.. "I'm gonna shoot all you M.....F...."...The OR nurse said.. " He's going to sue us all" I said.. " No.. in this gentleman's socioeconomic strata.. They don't sue... He said SHOOT all of us" I put him back to sleep.. intubated him and took him to the ICU.

I STILL don't know why I can't carry my Glock to work...

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Specializes in Pediatric Pulmonology and Allergy.

I don't work OR but as a student I got to witness a fasciotomy on a pt with compartment syndrome after a GSW to the leg... he also became quite combative after coming out of anesthesia.

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Specializes in Family Practice & Obstetrics.

Where to start . . . .

LTC care facility.... Getting a 95 year old woman dressed for the day (I was new to the unit and not familiar with the Residents quite yet)... She had a lt mastectomy and was supposed to have a prosthetic breast. Well, she emptied her dresser and said to me..."Well, that got ********* down the hall must have stolen it"... I said "stolen what?" and she said "My ****** TIT!"... Imagine my confusion and terror not knowing she had a prosthetic breast LOL.

A severely demented man, that recently had a stroke kept coming out to me at the nurses station with a duvet. I asked what he wanted and told me I had to come with him. I got to his semi-private room (LTC) and he said to me "Just cover up that right now I cant bare to look at it"... I said cover what up....Apparently his roommate was a squirrel, having intercourse with his wife.

and..... I had one resident call me over and whisper to me "You've got to get me to this hospital right now"... I asked why and he said "I've got the hemorrhoids and ooh do they ever bite... I had to quit horseback riding today".... funny thing, the resident had polio at some point and was paralyzed for years.

Last one I promise......As a nursing student my girlfriend and I were changing a colostomy- was the patients first time... We removed the bag and cleaned the stoma all nice and proper..... Next thing I know my girlfriend says something that makes the patient laugh... well sure enough the increase of inter abdominal pressure sends liquid feces across the room basically and it hit the wall. My girlfriend and I were so shocked and embarrassed that we just started to laugh...... The patient goes "What you girls scared of a little bit of ****"... She proceeded to laugh more and more liquid oozed out.....

That was too much fun!

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So I work on ortho, so pain medication is available in leaps and bounds, and we don't hold back usually, except in cases such as this:

I had just started, taken report prior to starting my shift and received a pt with a TKR. She was...well flying high. She couldn't keep her eyes open but she had the PCA button in her hands with an iron grip. We got her into bed, and needless to say she's complaining of pain. After getting her settled, the nursing assistant tries feeding her jello. She couldn't remember it was in her mouth. The whole picture was hilarious. She was stable, but in joint replacements expectations are a painless fluffy cloud with beautiful servants at your beck and call wiping your tush with gold. So this was a nice reward. Anyhoo, I was giving her a reinfusion, and went to check her vitals, when she complained again stating "I WOULDN'T WISH THIS PAIN ON OSAMA BIN LADEN" and was fast asleep by the end of the sentence.

...When I flushed the finished reinfusion, she had the clamp in her hand, tubing twisted under her hand, as if it was the PCA button.

Best. Shift. Ever.

Do you really think people expect to be wiped with gold?

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It was change of shift and we were giving report at the bedside. My patient was on scheduled OxyContin 60mg PO TID for multiple diagnoses with chronic pain, and admitted with ETOH

withdrawal, so he was pretty loopy from the Ativan he was getting on top of his meds. I was stating his related history and told the oncoming RN he has degenerative joint disease and his eyes got wide and he looked at me and said "did you just call me a degenerate junkie?" I was floored!

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I work on an orthopedic floor we received an elderly gentleman in his 80's with dementia who had fallen and broken his hip and had surgery. He was transfered down to our floor from the general surgery floor he wasn't my patient but I had his room mate. I went in to check his room mate when I see him up and trying to walk unsteadily with no aids I called another nurse to help me get him back to bed. I ask him if he knows where he is and why he's here and he says " I had surgery on my member so I wouldn't impregnate my wife" I couldn't stop laughing.

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I recently had a patient going for a kyphoplasty, and she was convinced the doctors were going to inject seamen into her spine. She completely misunderstood when the doctor said "cement" and heard semen instead.

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We had a confused 90 year old woman who gave us pause. We were about to do an EKG and she eagerly asked, "are you going to tie my up?" We had to speculate on her past.

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