Please, anyone, I'm so distraught and at an impasse with what to do or how to feel. I'm a new LVN, been at a SNF for about 9 months now. I started on NOC, petrified, with 52 residents to myself and 3 aides. Yet I made it through. I became able at NOC; an "amazing nurse", as claimed by residents, nurses and aides.
3 months ago my old DON asked me to switch to AM. I knew the main reason was staffing need, but she peppered that with prideful reassurance of my ability. "I know you're scared, it's a big change, but if anyone here can do it, I know that'd be you!" Adding on, "you know, AMs don't come around often, think of the experience you'll get, it'll help you grow as a nurse". I still turned her down, thrice, but, eventually caved, as she kept vocalizing her badgering belief in me.
So I started on AMs. It was so very stressful, but...I began getting it, and eventually liking it. 14 residents compared to 52, I could talk with the providers, deal with families, therapy, dietary, felt like I was growing and learning so much. I was gaining real confidence as a nurse, believing in my future.
Last week the administrator and DON called me in to talk. "We feel as though you've plateaued with regards to your progress on AMs and we just think it'd be better for you right now to go back to NOC". I was so caught off guard I didn't say much; I felt (and still do) like I did something terribly wrong. The main reasoning for reverting is that my "time management still needs work". I stayed after report regularly to finish, though many do. I was never given input or expectations on my time management, never given feedback or offered further support. They want me to go back to the LTC side too; guess they don't trust me on acute at all.
And now, I feel utterly broken. I'm so embarrassed, resentful, and ashamed of how inadequate a nurse I feel I am. I voiced this in the meeting, through my tears, and was assured that was not the case and that I'm wonderful, nursing was my calling and, "If we didn't want you here, we wouldn't have you here". I don't know what to believe, I feel as though I have no real job security, belief or chances to learn now.
I'm sure most will advise me to quit, which, I'm very much considering, but I'm not sure I'll get a new job easily, and shun looking for one. I'm so close to having that 1-year exp under my belt, for RN bridges and better jobs, and they own every SNF in my area. I don't even know if I want to stay in nursing after this. I'm so sad, so scared and defeated. But at my age with my qualifications, it's technically my best way to earn a living. I'm a real hot mess.
Thanks for listening. Anything, really, anything, just to get out of my own head, would be so appreciated.
EDIT: I don't mean to come off sounding as if AM is > NOC. Both are challenging in their own rites. I'm upset because I was given praise and belief, only to not live up to that, and, it hurts, that I put myself in this position. Now I'm so unsure on how to go back to where I was prior, or even if I should.
Specializes in Addictions, psych, corrections, transfers.
Just tell them that that schedule doesn't fit your schedule. Nurses are a hot commodity, especially in LTC. Most likely, they hired someone else who wants days and they are giving you this spiel to make you feel like you did something wrong. Their are sooooo many other LTC's who are in desperate need. You have power, knowledge, courage, and skills. Please don't let them tear you down. Their short staffing and doing more with less expectations are not your problem. If they think they can do better ask to follow one through a couple of shifts to show you how it's supposed to be done. I had 30 clients (as a caregiver) I had to get ready for breakfast and admin complained I was late with a couple residents regularly so I quit and moved to a kitchen position. They had no one else so that admin had to do it one morning and she only got 10 done on time. She finally said, "This is impossible. How did you get all these people ready on time?" I said, "Looks like you need to get better time management skills." I laughed and walked away. So freaking satisfying. Since she wasn't my supervisor anymore, I didn't give a crap anymore.
She finally said, "This is impossible. How did you get all these people ready on time?" I said, "Looks like you need to get better time management skills." I laughed and walked away. So freaking satisfying.
Have you thought of eventually working your way into ICU? Very detailed nurses fit in very well there.
My preceptor told me I'd be perfect for ICU because my attention and writing, thank you, that means a lot! I'm still only an LPN so I have to get to that RN bridge, which I'm finding is easier said than done, but your suggestion makes me have hope.
That would have hit any of us hard. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you, I'm glad I'm not overreacting, I'm pretty sensitive, which might not be perfect for a profession like, but thank you all the same, especially for including me as one of "us". I'm so new, it still feels like I'm just looking in as an uninitiated outsider.
They had no one else so that admin had to do it one morning and she only got 10 done on time.
One of the more frustrating things, I've found, is being critiqued (or lack of and just changed) by a higher-up who doesn't know the floor, or, even how to administrate. With a resident discharge I had somethings that I needed to be able to tell the family, so I asked the DON, and she didn't even know how to get this info. In the end, I looked incompetent, which is justified I guess because I'm "new", yet she's been an RN for decades and with corporate for years. It showed that I was trying my hardest, instead of pawning off or accepting no answer as an answer, but it didn't matter in the end. At some places it seems you get absolutely nothing for being a hard worker, it's all the same playing field, no recognition or appreciation, just stethoscopes with pulses. Makes me so resentful.
These responses from you all, my peers (more experienced and versed than I) absolutely make me want to cry (again), out of gratitude. Thank you for helping me to feel better, to keep want to trying, and to not think that I am unable.
I'm at an impasse right now; most places around where I'm at are home health or corrections (which are very competitive, looking for exp). Every other SNF is owned by the same monstrosity, and they're all like this one, just with different paint. I'm looking and applying to RN bridges which is frustrating because my pre-reqs are beginning to expire and CA is very competitive for schooling. Trying not to get my hopes set on it any time soon, which...isn't how I pictured bridging.
My DON texted me, to which I responded, at length, about how I felt. "I'm glad you could express your feelings, let's keep the lines of communication open". No apology, no admission of fault, only a "just checking in on you." I loved my old DON. She was one of the only reasons I stayed there, up until she got canned. She made me feel so good, as a nurse and a person. I told this DON that I will speak with her pre-nurses meeting, and that I want my yearly eval.
I don't know how much of raise to demand, but I know how much travel nurses make and...continually makes me think about LTC travel (even NOCs perhaps). I'm not belated to think that I'm experienced enough in acute to travel, but perhaps I could do LTC and make more money than they'll offer and just...clear my head and have a new experience. I doubt I'll get into a bridge anytime soon and not having a job will play hell on my depression; I certainly don't want to job hop either.
I keep telling myself that I'm done after I get my year exp in 2 weeks and I keep coming back, almost undecidedly, for comfort and liking who I work with (mostly) as well as the residents (mostly). I know the procedures and am not as wide-eyed and shaking with anxiety as I was when I started. It worries me because I see so many nurses, who get complacent and comfortable where they are and just stay; at our place there are remarkable LVNs who've been there for years. They've never moved on or up. They're comfortable. And, new management aside, so am I (for the most part). When it's my Friday, I'm usually so zombified and relieved to have days off that I spend my time half-***-edly applying and looking towards the future. I know I need to press on, proactively, just gotta put more time and heart into it and not let my week work week prior prevent me from looking into nursing stuff; I tend to only want to unplug on my off-days, which, I guess is one of the things that makes me truly feel like I'm becoming a real nurse.
I can't express my gratitude and love for you all enough, truly. I tend to ramble and repeat, it means so much that you'd read my words, offer up empathy and help me feel better about myself and my chances.
This is for myself, as much as any others whom care to relate. What an ironic, scary, sad thing to recieve more support from an internet forum, full of strangers, with no obligation to care or advise someone they don't know, instead of those at their place of employment. It's heartbreaking, the only solace being the realization being the world does still hold such kind people.
I just finished my med pass, after being on my feet since 1815. Fifteen till midnight now. I just finished my pass. I'm spent. Some residents are made at me for being late with their senna and lipitor. The newly "promoted" nurse on the other side has not come over to check on me and my 43, not once. Eye contact about 2 hours ago, putting something under the admin door, shfuffling away to the land of 14, my head hurts, she was done with her pass hours ago.
It's not supposed to be like this, I thought. isn't nursing to be a "team sport"? Outside of evidenced from this forum, all I hear are promises of support and commradery, yet all it seems is that many don't look out for others and you get nothing adventagous for doing so anyways, so what's the point. I used to help this side, at least with charting, because I know the workload. I orientated her. She came out on top. It's hard to not resent this situation, your employer, your occupation and your future when you continue to have nights like this.
The other nurse is supposed to help the LTC nurse with their pass. I've always been told that. And seen it. I'm the only one to go the LTC by himself. Rarely I'll get help, last week I did once, because a nurse was orientating the new one. But now that it's back to a pair of LVNs again, I don't see any assistance in my future. And that hurts. And makes me want to quit. Indefinetely.
God I hope this is only an outlying dataset, a small sliver of the dark side of nursing. Most nights arent like this, some are, some arent. "You're the only one that stays while they take their meds, to make sure...everyone else just leaves it bedside." An aide told me that, as I asked him if I were a bad nurse or slow or cant cut it, earlier. "They split it up usually too. Jen will finish Tiffany's pass, Debbie will come over and help Dawn, but you never seem to get help and that's not right". It's not. I don't know how I could handle it better before, I wasn't any faster, I guess it's just the perfect storm of *** going awry that puts you so behind. And you forget those nights when you have 4 off and a fresh paycheck to "recover". But I didn't think nursing was to be this lonely and hopeless. Just feels like a vaccum of repedative bs; fake promises, no apprecition, false smiles and almost a competetition, rather than collaboration amongst colllegues. It's hard t be optomistic about doing (and paying) for an RN bridge, this night has reminded me that much. These places and experinces are what makes bad nurses, I feel. I don't want to become that and never have. You get little (here, at least) for being true to yourself and striving to be the best you can be.
Thanks for helping me. You didn't have to. It's painfully maddening, in contrast, when someone was supposed to give help (or should be morally obligated to) and only does as little as they can, to appease their role, so they can play angry birds or facebook chat. (I realize I took time to type this, but, writing is cathartic for me, and, for once, I took a 10. Nothing else could slow me down anymore tonight.)
2BS Nurse, BSN
703 Posts
Have you thought of eventually working your way into ICU? Very detailed nurses fit in very well there.