Shift change -> revokement; no esteem left

[BobbyDigitalis]

Please, anyone, I'm so distraught and at an impasse with what to do or how to feel. I'm a new LVN, been at a SNF for about 9 months now. I started on NOC, petrified, with 52 residents to myself and 3 aides. Yet I made it through. I became able at NOC; an "amazing nurse", as claimed by residents, nurses and aides.

 

3 months ago my old DON asked me to switch to AM. I knew the main reason was staffing need, but she peppered that with prideful reassurance of my ability. "I know you're scared, it's a big change, but if anyone here can do it, I know that'd be you!" Adding on, "you know, AMs don't come around often, think of the experience you'll get, it'll help you grow as a nurse". I still turned her down, thrice, but, eventually caved, as she kept vocalizing her badgering belief in me. 

 

So I started on AMs. It was so very stressful, but...I began getting it, and eventually liking it. 14 residents compared to 52, I could talk with the providers, deal with families, therapy, dietary, felt like I was growing and learning so much. I was gaining real confidence as a nurse, believing in my future.

 

Last week the administrator and DON called me in to talk. "We feel as though you've plateaued with regards to your progress on AMs and we just think it'd be better for you right now to go back to NOC". I was so caught off guard I didn't say much; I felt (and still do) like I did something terribly wrong. The main reasoning for reverting is that my "time management still needs work". I stayed after report regularly to finish, though many do. I was never given input or expectations on my time management, never given feedback or offered further support. They want me to go back to the LTC side too; guess they don't trust me on acute at all.

 

And now, I feel utterly broken. I'm so embarrassed, resentful, and ashamed of how inadequate a nurse I feel I am. I voiced this in the meeting, through my tears, and was assured that was not the case and that I'm wonderful, nursing was my calling and, "If we didn't want you here, we wouldn't have you here". I don't know what to believe, I feel as though I have no real job security, belief or chances to learn now. 

 

I'm sure most will advise me to quit, which, I'm very much considering, but I'm not sure I'll get a new job easily, and shun looking for one. I'm so close to having that 1-year exp under my belt, for RN bridges and better jobs, and they own every SNF in my area. I don't even know if I want to stay in nursing after this. I'm so sad, so scared and defeated. But at my age with my qualifications, it's technically my best way to earn a living. I'm a real hot mess. 

 

Thanks for listening. Anything, really, anything, just to get out of my own head, would be so appreciated. 

 

EDIT: I don't mean to come off sounding as if AM is > NOC. Both are challenging in their own rites. I'm upset because I was given praise and belief, only to not live up to that, and, it hurts, that I put myself in this position. Now I'm so unsure on how to go back to where I was prior, or even if I should. 

[FashionablyL8, CNA, LPN]

I'm sorry this has happened- I know I would be really upset too. Especially since you liked NOC shift and were essentially convinced to switch to AM, then once you felt comfortable and happy with that, they pulled THAT out from under you.

Could it be possible that they just want to move you wherever you are needed and put it on what "is best for you" to ensure that you do what they say? Just seems sketchy that they gave you no negative feedback until they wanted to switch you. Presumably they have a need for a nurse now on NOC in LTC, they are not just creating these shifts for you. Perhaps someone with pull with management wants your position.

No matter what, please try not to let this ruin your confidence. You sound like a good nurse who is always learning and giving it your best. Especially since you got good feedback from others, I bet you were doing great.

[FashionablyL8, CNA, LPN]

Forgot to add- I think you should start looking for another job. I would keep working there in the meanwhile if you are concerned about finding other opportunities, but I wouldn't work extra hours, switch days, or otherwise put yourself out in the effort to please management. And when you find something better, put your notice in and leave. 

[BobbyDigitalis]

Thank you, for all that you said. It still feels impossible to pick myself up, I go back to NOC tomorrow night and feel, changed. I wouldn't be nearly as distraught as I am, had I not known that the need they have was and is (now) on AMs. I'm going back to the LTC side, where I started, and the newer NOC nurse on LTC is going to orientate on acute NOC and then go take my spot on AM. She also got the 5k$ sign on bonus that none of us loyal nurses got. I had tenure over her, she does have more acute experience, granted, but I was given that shift because how good I was doing, belief in me, a chance to learn. I've been there a year (in 2 weeks), she's been there for maybe 3 months. 

I think it was the nurse that was "training" me that complained about me, she never liked me, resented my slowness and having to learn, "why were you here until 8, what more do I have to do to help you?" It was her AM shift originally, so they moved her over to "supervisor"; she never helped me, she wasn't even at the station, she wasted narcs and did admit stuff, occasionally coming over, begrudgingly, "how are you doing?"

I had a fall that day, a bad one (only my 3rd in a year) and she was only at the station because the NP was there and she liked to kiss ***...I was talking with the ADON in her office about a new admit and the nurse comes running around, "YOU JUST HAD A FALL!" I'll never forget that. "You" just had a fall. Later that day I was demoted or whatever. 

I'm just trying to make it to the year mark for resumes sake. I'm so angry and upset that I don't think I can make it a day past what I need for a resume, even if I don't have a job secured. This one has taken a lot out of me, not just from this, but from the constant switching back of shifts, and now, back on NOC, with this pt load, I'm more scared than ever, for my license. 

Thank you for saying I sound like a good nurse. I...really am. I know I am. But this is showing me how people become jaded, give minimum effort, don't try the way others try, don't care and all because...at the end of the day...does it really matter, your work ethic or type of nurse you are? Doesn't seem to, money and treatment wise.

[BobbyDigitalis]

And something that I can't shake either; "you need to work on your time management"...How am I to do that, without feedback or advice, at 3 am, with now...triple the residents? You're bs'ing me, with no intention to ever put me back on days, to learn or try harder.

Plus the nurse that I think said something, I texted her soon after, thanking her for helping and that I was sorry, and she said, "don't feel bad. Take this as a learning experience". Not sure how she knew what "this" was, I didn't say I was going back to NOC. And more to the point, the only thing I learned was that I'm not good enough for AMs and that, I...never wanna feel like this again.

[kp2016]

It's impossible for me to guess what is really going on here.

For the sign on bonus sadly that is how that works. New hires sometimes get a bonus that wasn't offered to existing staff or get a pay rate that is close to or higher than experienced staff.

It's possible they thought you weren't up to the new shift but it's more than a little weird that you were not given any warnings/ corrections before they switched you back.

Have you considered that maybe your managers decided it would be beneficial to them to have multiple staffed crossed trained and thus able to be moved backwards and forwards between the shifts and areas LTC and acute as suited their staffing needs?

Sadly I have actually seem this kind of bait and switch done before. Managers thought they were being very clever hiring a friend of mine for acute. Trained her for a few months and then insisted out of the blue that she needed to go back to LTC and "work on her skills but don't worry it isn't permanent you get the opportunity swap back at some point". She brushed up her resume and had a new job within a month. I am not saying you need to quit, but I am saying it may not have been anything you did or didn't do. This may just be a staffing policy. 

Best of luck

 

 

[kp2016]

On 4/3/2022 at 5:42 AM, BobbyDigitalis said:

Plus the nurse that I think said something, I texted her soon after, thanking her for helping and that I was sorry, and she said, "don't feel bad. Take this as a learning experience". Not sure how she knew what "this" was, I didn't say I was going back to NOC. And more to the point, the only thing I learned was that I'm not good enough for AMs and that, I...never wanna feel like this again.

It’s possible she had no more idea what “this” was then you do. She may have simply assumed that you would be upset based on the fact that she would be upset in your boat and was genuinely attempting to offer you support. 

[2BS Nurse, BSN]

"And now, I feel utterly broken. I'm so embarrassed, resentful, and ashamed of how inadequate a nurse I feel I am". 

It's normal for a brand new nurse to have some of these feelings, but you need to somehow get to a place of higher self-esteem (Are you a perfectionist, do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself)? look up "Patricia Benner's novice to expert theory".

"you need to work on your time management"... This basically means you need to learn where to cut corners. The volume of work expected is unrealistic in ALL LTC facilities. This is why many nurses won't take jobs there.

It's management's responsibility to help you succeed. If you're not in a place that's providing support, go work somewhere else. This is an ideal time to move on in the current job market. 

[No Stars In My Eyes]

10 hours ago, 2BS Nurse said:

"you need to work on your time management"... This basically means you need to learn where to cut corners. The volume of work expected is unrealistic in ALL LTC facilities. This is why many nurses won't take jobs there.

 

Oh, yeah, I was told this very thing. I always wondered how the other nurses could be all done with everything...meds, charting, et al...and they were sitting down in the nurse's station laughing and chatting while waiting until it was time to clock out. Meanwhile it took me well after that to finally finish up everything. Like 2BS Nurse wrote: "The volume of work expected is unrealistic in ALL LTC facilities." Truer words were never spoken. I swear to you, NOBODY could or would actually TELL me in what ways I could 'manage' my time better. There HAD TO BE some corner cutting going on, but I never caught on to what or how. So "they" let me go. It wasn't until 6-8 months later I started feeling better about myself and understanding that a lot of it was adm. and sup's blowing smoke up my skirt, as the old saying goes. 

I have to tell you: IT ISN'T ALL YOU!!  I swear, whatever you decide to do, one of these days that will occur to you, and I promise you will begin to feel better about yourself. It. is. not. NOT. NOT. all you. Sure, one can always learn more, learn something new, but being put down and moved around like the facility's puppet FOR THEIR OWN reasons is not any way to run a business.  LTC nursing is definitely a BUSINESS. But REAL nursing is an ART, and it sounds to me like you were getting there; THAT'S being a good nurse.

I speak from experience.

[BobbyDigitalis]

Wow, I can't thank you all for the supportive insight. Today was the end of my workweek on back on nights. It was awkward but I mustered through. Everyone was supportive and so, "awe that's bs, don't worry you're great", aside from the nurse that orientated me, she said absolutely nothing as she dropped off meds or faxed labs (you could pick up on her disdain for me, another nurse commented).  

On Monday the aDON was waiting for me at the lobby to check in on me and we talked in her office and she knew exactly where I was at and was nothing but kind and empathetic. She knew that I "got the raw end of the deal", and thanked me for "stepping up for us". The aDON is on a cart a lot (out of need), while the DON and administrator only see the floor when they need to see what they stepped in, so it was nice she talked to me and I am so spitefully resentful to have been "punished" by the other 2, who've never seen me nurse. 

The aDON said that "eventually I want all NOCs to go to AMs and we'll get registry [whom we'll pay sooooooooo much more than you] to come in and go to NOC, that's what I want, just give me time". I like her a lot but I can't trust anyone there, which is a horrible feeling.

This week I had 41 residents and only because 3 were LOA. It was so much more difficult, doing NOC, than I remember. There's more anxiety then I remember, hoping that nothing bad happens for 12 hours. And now I feel like a tired, angry, stumbling bottle of nyquil. 

So I'm working on my resume, have interest in some jobs on indeed, and (selfishly, perhaps) am looking at some travel agencies. Thank you all, so very much. My desire to be a nurse was tested and I'm still filling in the bubbles after erasing some. I suppose this is to be expected sometimes in healthcare (most certainly in LT"C"). But when you look around and see strangers try and help you out and bring you back up, it really reinstates how wonderful the souls of many of the nurses out there are.

[BobbyDigitalis]

8 hours ago, No Stars In My Eyes said:

I have to tell you: IT ISN'T ALL YOU!!  I swear, whatever you decide to do, one of these days that will occur to you, and I promise you will begin to feel better about yourself. It. is. not. NOT. NOT. all you.

Thank you. I can hear your words. Hopefully that day comes sooner rather than later. Thank you...so very much. 

[BobbyDigitalis]

19 hours ago, 2BS Nurse said:

(Are you a perfectionist, do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself)? look up "Patricia Benner's novice to expert theory".

Very much so, yes, always been a perfectionist, which, only recently am I learning that it's a negativism and not a compliment. Still trying to be able to handle not meeting my expectations without so much damage to myself. I will look it up for sure, thanks for the recommendation. At times I think I may have chosen the wrong field for someone that has such a problem dealing with perceived failures. 

On 4/5/2022 at 10:37 AM, kp2016 said:

Trained her for a few months and then insisted out of the blue that she needed to go back to LTC and "work on her skills but don't worry it isn't permanent you get the opportunity swap back at some point".

That's funny, I was just told the same thing while being consoled by my aDON. Not being able to trust anyone any longer there really doesn't feel good, makes me want to get out asap even more, which, hopefully I can do. 

And it was only a staffing need to put me back as they have been working since the end of march on switching over the other NOC to mornings, so tells me that nurse. Wouldn't have been so insultingly painful had they told me then and actually had a process of getting me back on nights, instead of 4 days.

Thanks for the words