Share Your Funniest Patient Stories...

Nurses Humor


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15 Posts

When I was working as an LPN I was giving a Go-Lyetly prep to en elderly confused man ( for those unfamiliar with the delight of Go-Lytely, it is a bowel prep for endoscopy, it comes in gallon jug and resembles water, the taste is terrible). Anyway it was about half way through my shift when he comes to the door of his room and asked me to come in. I went in assuming he needed a re-fill. He quietly sat down on the edge of his bed looked me straight in the eye and said, "Dear I believe that your water has given me dysentery". Throughout the rest of the night I continued to assure him that I had not given him dysentery, but I guess in his mind I had. Once I lef the room I couldn't help but laugh, even though I did feel bad for him.

Specializes in LTC, Home Health, L&D, Nsy, PP.

OMG!!! I just got off work and I had an incident happen that made me immediately think of this thread!

I work in L&D and when our patients come in for pitocin inductions, part of our protocol is to administer a fleets enema.

Well, I had a patient to come in this morning to be induced who was only 17 years old. I got through her paperwork and thought to myself, "To only be 17 years old this girl seems to have it all together." I then told her that I would have to give her an enema and she asked what an enema was. So I explained it to her - I showed her the enema and told her that I would put the liquid into her rectum and that she should hold it for a bit, then when she needed to, we would get up and go to the bathroom. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Won't that drown my baby??!!!!!!!!"


86 Posts

A couple of funnies I remember:

One patient admitted for 24hr observation after D&C. During my assesment when I went to check pad for bleeding was i surprised when I pulled up her gown to fine a tatoo of the cutest little mouse pushing a lawn mower at the top of her pubic hair! :chuckle

Another lady came to us after surgery. She was in her early 70's. I was a shocked when I turned her over and found a little green frog tatoo on her lower right cheek..... :chuckle

Years ago in a LTC facility there was the sweetest lady who about once a month or so would become extremely confused in the middle of the night. She was forever telling us to turn off the lights the electric bill was going to be sky high. She would often wander out of her room with out and always find the fire alarm and then head to the nurses desk after she shut off the lights (by pulling the fire alarm) to tell us she shut the lights off but it was still awful bright in this room....Shortly afterwards the phone would ring and it would be the fire department wanting to know if *#?* was on the move again. :chuckle

Orca, ADN, ASN, RN

2,066 Posts

Specializes in Hospice, corrections, psychiatry, rehab, LTC.

Two incidents stand out. Both happened early in my career, when I was working on an adult mental health/chemical dependency unit. The first was a male patient with bipolar disorder, who I would later have as a patient several times. During our first meeting, he came to the desk and asked if he could talk to me. I agreed. With every ounce of seriousness he could muster, he said "I'm going to have to resign as captain of the Starship Enterprise, because I'm not ready for the responsibility. I'm going to have to call Captain Kirk and tell him." Fortunately he did not linger for long at the desk, because I had to go in the back and laugh after he walked away.

The second incident involved two male patients who both believed they were Jesus Christ. The dueling Messiahs each tried to establish supremacy over the other by performing miracles. When one tried to part the water in a styrofoam cup, I had to leave the room!


7 Posts

right out of nursing school, i had a pt with priapism(side effect from trazadone that his friend had given him to help him sleep).That was not a subject we had talked about much in nursing school. I was rather proud of myself when I figured out how to listen for bowel sounds without making either one (well, me...) :idea: of us more uncomfortable by my stethoscope being in the wrong place. I just switched hands to listen to the other side of the abdomen... :bow:

Last night, I said knock knock as I walked into a pt's room to retrieve an IV pump that was not in use,saw that his gown was up,sheets were down,and he was busy,which anyone else in the hallway could have seen as well, I just turned around, shut the door and went to the desk to call supply for an IV pump. I now know why his room mate spends so much time taking walks in the hallway. :rolleyes:

Specializes in M/S, OB, Ortho, ICU, Diabetes, QA/PI.
Orca said:

The second incident involved two male patients who both believed they were Jesus Christ. The dueling Messiahs each tried to establish supremacy over the other by performing miracles. When one tried to part the water in a styrofoam cup, I had to leave the room!

baaahaaaahaaaaa - OMG, I would have died...........

Mountain Nurse

21 Posts

Specializes in MedSurg.

Well, I am a CNA and I used to work in a LTC facility. We had a man, who was maybe sixty. He had had a quadruple bypass surgery, and had came in on my 3-11 shift. The other aide I was working with went in to check him, and came back out as wide eyed as an owl. She said that mr so and so had a, had a, and then whispered to me that he had an erection. She weighed about 265 lbs, at least, but was convinced that it was her and refused to go back in. Later, we found out that he had ED and his propriopism was permanant. Wasnt the aide after all!!

Specializes in CCU (Coronary Care); Clinical Research.

I live in a fairly small town and my husband is a small business owner and has lived here all of his live. About a year ago, I had a patient come into my unit post heart attack and stent placement. He was a nice guy, we got to talking and it turns out this patient was also a small business owner in a business my husband frequented. In turn, he knew of my husband's business. Well, my husband went into this man's business yesterday (he didn't know that I ever cared for this man in the hospital) and they got to talking. Somehow, the man remembered me and was talking to my husband re: his hospital stay and "how your wife has the coldest hands that have ever touched my balls".

Totally crass, but no husband said the shop just got kind of quiet as no one knew quite what to say to that comment.

(as a side note, i had to do a femoral a line pull and must have been palpating the groing area-- i swear i never touched him there though!)

AAAhhhh, the things people remember about us...

Nurse Bob

4 Posts

True story from the ER - JR was trying to trim the pubic hair off of his scrotum and he managed to snip off a little chunk of skin. I couldn't help but ask, "JR, why were you trying to trim the pubic hair off your scrotum?" JR:"Well, don't you ever get the hair caught in the mouth of your penis so when you go to pee it squirts one way and the other and you end up peeing on yourself?" Me: "No." JR: "Well, yours is probably bigger than mine." Me (glancning down) "No." JR had had a hard time stopping the bleeding so he had gone to the pantry and got one of the big plastic clips that are made to go on a Cheetos bag and he had snapped it onto the R side of his scrotum to control the bleeding. I sure hope the manufacturer had the foresight to add into their disclaimer: "This device is designed to use on Cheetos bags, if you clamp it onto your scrotum, manufacturer is not responsible if you turn yourself into half a yunic." (Td booster, gelfoam dressing, sent home..)


18 Posts

Specializes in Med-Surg, Emergency.

I had one patient with dementia. He started reeling in his IV tubing like it was fishing line because he was sure he "caught a big one" on the other end. :chuckle I went back to check on him after a few minutes and he had a magazine on his bed which wasn't there before. When I asked him where he got it he told me, "John Wayne gave it to me. He ususally comes at noon. He's late today. I wonder where he is?"

I was working with an aide, cleaning a woman who had soiled the bed when the woman shouted, "I'm going to go again. MOVE! Get out of the way! I'm going to stink you up!" She was so serious and it took all my strength not to fall on the floor laughing. :rotfl:

Specializes in Mental Health, Orthopaedics, MedSurg.

When I used to work in med/surg, as my usual practise after handover, I would say hello and introduce myself to all pts allocated to me for the shift then read the notes. I entered a 4 bedded room of 4 males, of which one was pleasantly confused, and then I noticed on his table, this catheter, still inflated (Ow! I thought but held myself).............he then stated, 'I found that in my bed, it's not mine' Needless to say, that night as I handed over to the next shift, the response I got were a simultaneous OW! and immediate leg crossings :chuckle :rotfl: ......................

Liddle Noodnik

1 Article; 3,789 Posts

Specializes in Alzheimer's, Geriatrics, Chem. Dep..

Anybody notice this? I just read a post about a guy who cut himself while trimming pubic hair - then, at the bottom of the page, I saw half a dozen links for pubic hair trimming!

I did notice once when some were posting about bipolar that the links/ads at the bottom of the page led to links on bipolar illness!

This must be a smaht computah program!

Would be interesting to kinda keep tabs on this - what kinds of links that might be found depending on what you post (wonder how "wild" they can get, ha ha!)

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