Saw my first dead body in the hospital

[NurseAndLovinIt, BSN, RN]

Yup, was definitely a new experience. I am in my last semester of nursing school and am doing my leadership practicum. The patient who died was not my patient and I did not see him die. I saw the body during the first two hours post mortem and all the changes that go with it. The experience was surreal. I was numb and really did not know what to think or feel. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I think I will be more emotional when I experience the death of a patient I am actually caring for.

I know death is definitely a part of nursing and it will cross our paths often (but hopefully not) during our careers. Part of me feels proud of how I handled it: I felt clinically and scientifically neutral, I recognized it as a learning experience. However, another part wonders if it was normal for me to feel virtually nothing. Am I in shock, professionally mature, or just plain cold? I should mention that my behavior with new experiences has been very strong and I am always surprising my self. In nursing school I have seen, smelled and done some very nasty and gruesome things. Most of the time I was aware of what I was about to do or witness. I would panic at first and then tell myself its part of the job, just do it. When it came down to it, I have always done the difficult job as if on autopilot. When I was done, I would be surprised that I was not crying, vomiting, fainting, scrubbing my eyeballs etc. Maybe that strength is included in seeing the dead body? I am just confused about my experience. Any thoughts, comments, similar experiences appreciated.

[biker nurse]

Every time I saw a dead body , They were either racked with cancer or elderly. So seeing them dead made me know that they were no longer suffering and in a much better place. Not sad, relief, I guess is what I felt. It is ok to cry or not to cry. Your personal beliefs will help how to deal with it. My heart always broke for the family, but not the patient. The body didn't bother me. hope this helps!!

[akulahawkRN, ADN, RN, EMT-P]

This won't be the last dead person you'll see. I've seen a few over the years. The dead don't bother me much. Their problems are over, whatever they were. It's something we'll all face at some point. All we can give is a good solid nudge towards life when needed. The rest is out of our hands.

Oh, and all of the range of emotions you might feel are pretty much normal. It's normal to feel irritated and frustrated when someone you've worked hard to save doesn't make it. It's normal to feel detached when it's someone you've never worked with. It's normal to feel profound sadness when it's someone you've gotten to know very well. It's also normal to simply accept what is and keep going.

[CameoRN]

... I felt clinically and scientifically neutral, I recognized it as a learning experience. However, another part wonders if it was normal for me to feel virtually nothing. Am I in shock, professionally mature, or just plain cold? I should mention that my behavior with new experiences has been very strong and I am always surprising my self. In nursing school I have seen, smelled and done some very nasty and gruesome things. Most of the time I was aware of what I was about to do or witness. I would panic at first and then tell myself its part of the job, just do it. When it came down to it, I have always done the difficult job as if on autopilot. When I was done, I would be surprised that I was not crying, vomiting, fainting, scrubbing my eyeballs etc. Maybe that strength is included in seeing the dead body? I am just confused about my experience. Any thoughts, comments, similar experiences appreciated.

I really REALLY appreciate your post. I can relate to the question of shock? maturity? cold?

I have recently been questioning myself, too, in regards to an afternoon in the med room with another nurse and an extremely dehydrated 2 month old. I was at first worried about participating in the cath and IV stick, and yet, when it was time to help position and hold him down, I went into auto-pilot, much as you mentioned. I felt nothing. (being honest.)

I came home and cried later...not because of my nursing actions, because I knew getting fluids running had already helped the little fella. I cried because I asked my husband, "What kind of monster doesn't hurt inside when doing a procedure on a baby?" And of COURSE, I didn't want the baby to hurt, but I knew that the end (re-hydration) justified the means (an IV start.)

Anyway, I fought the same feelings you're expressing about seeing the deceased and wanted you to know you're not the only one. It helps to just talk about it and debrief a little. We're not cold; we're doing our job and helping people...and many can't do what we do.

Hugs,

[Do-over, ASN, RN]

I don't really see them as "dead bodies", I see them as my patient still. I don't know if that makes it easier or harder - it is what it is.

I will say, that its "easier" for me to handle seeing a patient that died naturally (hospice, for example) versus a patient that died and was coded.

[lorilvnb]

I saw my first body at the age of 19. i was then a practicing nurses aide trainee. I was asked to perform post mortem care and in that first experience i must say that i too went into auto pilot, since then I have been in various situations, in which i have held patients hands and witnessed their last breaths, some deaths have surprised me some have not. Meaning only that some were expected. Through all of these, in my nurse aid days and on through my nursing career, though i have felt different levels of emotions in each case. During my involvement with the patient and their families i managed to give care, and understanding to all, but inside, as you were i felt on autopilot. Sometimes i cried when i got home. Sometimes i just felt relief. Knowing my patient was no longer suffering is usually the thought that saves my sanity. good luck to you in your nursing career. It will be your joy, and your hell, sometimes to both extremes in one shift, one hour, or even one moment. In the end it IS all worth it.

:redbeathe

[Mini-Murse]

As a student, I have to take a line from "Scrubs", from the Turk character. He says he views his patients in the OR as machines - he has to figure out what's wrong with them, and fix the broken part. This is the view I think everyone MUST have ready to be called on when needed. You cant let the emotions take control when IVing a 2-month old baby, or taking care of a dying elderly patient. You have to be able to set your emotions aside and do your job.

[ktliz]

I'm only in my first semester of clinicals, and don't have any personal experience with death. However, I DO have experience with the kind of feeling you are describing. I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I hit adolescence, but I've learned some coping mechanisms along the way. One of them is dissociation/depersonalization. When I am in those states, I don't think or worry about those things; I am on "autopilot." I've often worried whether it is normal or healthy to function that way, and the answer is this:

It is a GOOD thing to be able to separate your emotions from certain situations. If we didn't have ways to cope with stressful situations (e.g. seeing a dead body), we wouldn't be able to function at all! Of course, it is always possible to have too much of a good thing. If you found yourself using coping mechanisms for every stressful situation you encounter instead of allowing yourself to be emotional when appropriate, then it would be something to worry about.

Hope this helps. :redpinkhe

[No Stars In My Eyes]

I also saw my first dead body at age 19 when I was an NA in a nursing home. When I came on duty at 3 PM I was told my favorite patient, "Mary" had just died. The charge nurse I worked with and admired told me that since I was going to go to nursing school, she thought it would be a good idea if I did post-mortem care with her, so I could get used to doing this sort of thing. I wasn't particularly sure I wanted to do this, but I said nothing and let her take me through the process, explaining everything as we went. What I remember most was how odd it was to touch and move the patient around, how PROFOUNDLY 'lifeless' the body is once the animate life and soul is gone.I wasn't exactly 'creeped out', but found this experience distinctly curious and singular.Since then I have been with many patients as they are dying, but I have never been as affected as I was 'the first time'.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

my first day of clinical as a student (i had worked full-time for a year off in a geri ward, so i had seen plenty of dying) we got the nickel tour and proceeded to ass breakfast trays. one of my classmates took a tray in to an old gentleman and found him stone cold dead in the bed. she never recovered from this and left the program.

there are way many things worse than death, as you will see if you haven't already. death can be the best possible outcome for a lot of situations.

when i saw my first corpse, i was more like the person who was more curious than anything. i think it's because i grew up in the same community my family has lived in for centuries, used to play in the cemetery where many of them were buried, some of whom i knew as a child and young adult before they died.

these people did not have the "benefit" of modern medical care. when an uncle got kicked in the head by a horse, when granma had her heart attack, when auntie got puerperal fever and the baby died too, they were probably in the downstairs room when they died and everyone in the family saw them and said their goodbyes. (there wasn't much of this years and years of drawn-out suffering or dementia; we didn't know how to make suffering last so long then.) they were buried, mourned, and then people got on with their lives. we all feel connected to our ancestors there, somehow; knowing we will be there near them someday doesn't creep me out (i know exactly where my husband's and my body/ashes will go, just down the way from my father, grandparents, and great-grandparents and great-great grandparents). so death itself doesn't feel more scary than any other art of life, and less scary than a lot of things.

you will encounter a lot of people who have never seen anyone die, perhaps never even had someone near and dear to them die. you might be one of those people, if your parents aren't old yet and your grandparents are still living. you can help them accept that at some point death is inevitable and by then often not to be abhorred or feared, or at least to be borne with grace as much as possible. nobody doesn't die. but remember that every death brings back the memory of all the deaths before it; sometimes people mourn them all, all over again, and that's one reason they are so painful sometimes.

best line i ever heard, which came back to me today on what would have been my late father's birthday: "don't cry because it's gone; laugh because you had it." i really like that. if we weren't already big baseball fans and planning on a nice double-entendre "safe at home," we might have put it on our stone.

[Forever Sunshine, ASN, RN]

I don't really see them as "dead bodies", I see them as my patient still. I don't know if that makes it easier or harder - it is what it is.

I will say, that its "easier" for me to handle seeing a patient that died naturally (hospice, for example) versus a patient that died and was coded.

I feel the same when I see one of my residents that has recently passed.

I still talk to them like they are alive too. Like when we go assess them for diminished vital signs and prepare their body for the funeral home. I find myself still saying, "Ok Mary we are turning you. "

I'm a strong believer in the afterlife. They could still hear us. You never know...

[RNLyons03]

I watched my first patient pass away during clinical rotation in the ICU....we sat and watch as her heart stopped beating and listened to the family cry out emotionally. Once the family had said there goodbyes, I went to help with caring for the body...I noticed that the patient had some feces still coming and when I brought up that I wanted to clean her up, all I was told was. Don't worry about it, we'll double bag her, and that is how she was sent to the funeral home. I was so disturbed by that, it upset me so much....I never want to get to that point in my career...For me to clean her up was my own way of paying respects and treating her body kindly... If I ever get to that point in my career I will walk and not look back...I love people and I love being a Nurse