Saw my first dead body in the hospital

[NurseAndLovinIt]

Yup, was definitely a new experience. I am in my last semester of nursing school and am doing my leadership practicum. The patient who died was not my patient and I did not see him die. I saw the body during the first two hours post mortem and all the changes that go with it. The experience was surreal. I was numb and really did not know what to think or feel. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I think I will be more emotional when I experience the death of a patient I am actually caring for.

I know death is definitely a part of nursing and it will cross our paths often (but hopefully not) during our careers. Part of me feels proud of how I handled it: I felt clinically and scientifically neutral, I recognized it as a learning experience. However, another part wonders if it was normal for me to feel virtually nothing. Am I in shock, professionally mature, or just plain cold? I should mention that my behavior with new experiences has been very strong and I am always surprising my self. In nursing school I have seen, smelled and done some very nasty and gruesome things. Most of the time I was aware of what I was about to do or witness. I would panic at first and then tell myself its part of the job, just do it. When it came down to it, I have always done the difficult job as if on autopilot. When I was done, I would be surprised that I was not crying, vomiting, fainting, scrubbing my eyeballs etc. Maybe that strength is included in seeing the dead body? I am just confused about my experience. Any thoughts, comments, similar experiences appreciated.

[DoGoodThenGo]

Yup, was definitely a new experience. I am in my last semester of nursing school and am doing my leadership practicum. The patient who died was not my patient and I did not see him die. I saw the body during the first two hours post mortem and all the changes that go with it. The experience was surreal. I was numb and really did not know what to think or feel. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I think I will be more emotional when I experience the death of a patient I am actually caring for.

I know death is definitely a part of nursing and it will cross our paths often (but hopefully not) during our careers. Part of me feels proud of how I handled it: I felt clinically and scientifically neutral, I recognized it as a learning experience. However, another part wonders if it was normal for me to feel virtually nothing. Am I in shock, professionally mature, or just plain cold? I should mention that my behavior with new experiences has been very strong and I am always surprising my self. In nursing school I have seen, smelled and done some very nasty and gruesome things. Most of the time I was aware of what I was about to do or witness. I would panic at first and then tell myself its part of the job, just do it. When it came down to it, I have always done the difficult job as if on autopilot. When I was done, I would be surprised that I was not crying, vomiting, fainting, scrubbing my eyeballs etc. Maybe that strength is included in seeing the dead body? I am just confused about my experience. Any thoughts, comments, similar experiences appreciated.

My dear the only thing you have to fear from a dead body is if it reanimates and starts coming after *you*, accompanied by the requisite thunder and lighting of course.

Otherwise try not to dwell upon the lack of life but perhaps the peace the soul who once occupied said body is now resting. A certain amount of professional detachment will help as well especially when work with infants, children and young people. Those can be some of the hardest deaths to accept and you must remember the family will likely be falling to bits and need someone to hold it together.

[Rob72, ASN, RN]

Sounds like you've found some grounding in the good responses.

The only thing I would add is that, particularly in the "First World", we've created an artificial social structure that is far removed from death, mandates that we are supposed to feel "connectivity with all" (witness the Casey Anthony trial, Susan Smith before her, etc..), and tells us that we are supposed to feel xyz.

My grandmother died at home, in bed, when I was 16-17. We washed her, and waited for the funeral home van together. I didn't grow up "on a farm", but spent quite a bit of time on them, and have seen pretty much every living creature die/dying/dead(some truly, most sincerely-soupy-dead), at some point. All that to say, there isn't a whole lot of mystery in death, for me.

IME, those that have trouble with death (barring those whose experience or exposure was grossly traumatic) have issues because they are unresolved with the issue of their own mortality.

[No Stars In My Eyes]

/

Many a time I've had to be strong and unfeeling to do my job and later upon returning home gone into a fetal position in bed and cried myself to sleep. This is more common than you think. I know to be strong is for the benefit of the patient and the family, not to do so would jeopardize my practice.

trying to delete this reply box from my computer/sorry for interupting the thread, but this is the only way I could do it, by making a posting

.......BUT it didn't work. OH WELL!.

[xtxrn, ASN, RN]

It's always a weird feeling to know someone isn't "there" anymore. But as GrnTea said, there are a LOT of things worse than dying, like living in intense pain, being trapped in a body that doesn't move, being able to understand everything around you but not respond...the list goes on....

When my mom died (and I'd been an RN for 17 years) it really hit home how yes, it was sad, and a deep loss- BUT she didn't get to the point of being curled up in a nursing home, not recognizing anybody. That would have been a slow death that had started with her dementia diagnosis, but was in many ways mercifully cut short....but it still hurt. (years ago- distance helps with perspective).

Before then, I understood the physical relief that death can be- (but don't tell patients "at least he/she isn't suffering anymore".... THEY are suffering - and won't appreciate it- even though they'll probably know it's an attempt at genuine condolences).

You do have to be somewhat detached- and that comes with time and experience. Being detached doesn't make you cold- it keeps you from totally integrating the intensity of what nursing is- it protects your mind. Sure, you might cry once in a while. But you still keep doing your job. :)

You'll get this sorted out for yourself :) It's normal to be a bit wonky after seeing your first dead person. :heartbeat:twocents: