Sadness after a child passes

[PerfectlyPlump, ADN, RN]

I am sad, because a former little patient passed. I had not been there for a while. It was very sudden, but as well as I knew him, I feel like I can guess pretty well what went wrong.

Now when I hear a mom make optimistic comments about her child in the same age range, and with a similar DX, I get the feeling it could happen there too. There is no reason to think so, but I have lost a bit of my own optimism.

[eeffoc_emmig]

I've learned of a former patient's passing before. Yes, it is sad. Honestly, I was relieved to hear he was gone. The poor kid lived a hard and painful life.

Perhaps my heart has hardened over time, but when I see parents acting as if the patient will just miraculously jump out of bed and be "normal", I find myself pitying them. Can't help it.

[SDALPN]

I've learned of a former patient's passing before. Yes, it is sad. Honestly, I was relieved to hear he was gone. The poor kid lived a hard and painful life.

Perhaps my heart has hardened over time, but when I see parents acting as if the patient will just miraculously jump out of bed and be "normal", I find myself pitying them. Can't help it.

I feel the same way. I don't think its that we get hardened. I think we learn to accept reality as it is. So we are realists instead if optimists. Nobody wants to know a child they knew passed at a young age. But I think its easier for us to understand that the child isn't suffering anymore.

I don't look at it as negative if we see a child pass and then have another child with a very similar situation. I look at it as it meaning that we are looking at the situation through experience. The parents can't see what we see. The hard part is trying to ease the parent down from the "my nonresponsive child will walk and talk and go to college one day" attitude to reality.

I also encourage parents to take pictures and video of those special moments as well as the random pics so they will always have those memories and be able to remember the good times. I will even offer to take pics of the parent holding the child.

[ventmommy]

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's very hard when a parent's expectations are rooted in fantasy.

One of my closest friends gave birth prematurely to a baby as a result of a placental abruption. The entire birth was a cluster. She was airlifted to a bigger hospital and that made things worse because she was unconscious and her husband was having to drive a few hours. Her daughter wasn't actually delivered for three hours after she got to the bigger hospital. She had major brain damage from the oxygen deprivation.

Anyway, my friend was very realistic about the situation but her husband never gave up the hope that one day she'd wake up and sit up and talk and walk. When she died, about two years before my own son died, the husband was absolutely devastated. My friend is more like me in that we were both heart broken when our children died but it's also a relief that their suffering has ended.

[Adele_Michal7, ASN, RN]

I'm sorry, Tex. I had a similar experience and was surprised at how sad I felt. I'm here for you :)

[Adele_Michal7, ASN, RN]

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's very hard when a parent's expectations are rooted in fantasy.

One of my closest friends gave birth prematurely to a baby as a result of a placental abruption. The entire birth was a cluster. She was airlifted to a bigger hospital and that made things worse because she was unconscious and her husband was having to drive a few hours. Her daughter wasn't actually delivered for three hours after she got to the bigger hospital. She had major brain damage from the oxygen deprivation.

Anyway, my friend was very realistic about the situation but her husband never gave up the hope that one day she'd wake up and sit up and talk and walk. When she died, about two years before my own son died, the husband was absolutely devastated. My friend is more like me in that we were both heart broken when our children died but it's also a relief that their suffering has ended.

Yes, I have seen many parents rooted in fantasy. While I understand, it makes it harder on everyone. Expectation management is important.

I cared for a young woman who was visiting some friends, and en route, got into an auto wreck. She was hospitalized for some time, but expected to recover.

While being transferred via ambulance to the rehab facility, the ambulance got into a horrid wreck and set fire. She was the sole survivor. She ended up in a vegetative state with no hope of coming out.

The mom was completely expecting her to wake up one day. She would go into the room and say, "(Patient's name) snap out of it!" Any pain mess were forbidden because the mom thought it would hinder her "snapping out of it." The agency dropped the case, wisely. I didn't stay long anyhow, it was just awful and a heart rending situation.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

I feel the same way. I don't think its that we get hardened. I think we learn to accept reality as it is. So we are realists instead if optimists.

^Agree.

[PerfectlyPlump, ADN, RN]

The child who passed was not even close to vegetative. He had serious defects, some repaired and some not able to be... but he was starting to walk...I would have said he might have had the life of an overcomer.

But that was not to be.

I am doing alright. I just go into each day doing my best and trying to alert the parents to what I see as an objective, and yes, experienced observer.

[Adele_Michal7, ASN, RN]

The child who passed was not even close to vegetative. He had serious defects, some repaired and some not able to be... but he was starting to walk...I would have said he might have had the life of an overcomer.

But that was not to be.

I am doing alright. I just go into each day doing my best and trying to alert the parents to what I see as an objective, and yes, experienced observer.

It must've been even harder, then. My heart goes out to you; you sound like a wonderful nurse.

[PerfectlyPlump, ADN, RN]

Well, thanks. It is often a challenge to be that, isn't it?

[Adele_Michal7, ASN, RN]

Well thanks. It is often a challenge to be that, isn't it?[/quote']

It sure is!

[P B and J]

Yes, I have seen many parents rooted in fantasy. While I understand, it makes it harder on everyone. Expectation management is important.

Devil's advocate here,

It's not always "a fantasy" or unwillingness to accept reality...

Sometimes it's "hope", and that hope is all they may have left.