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Nurses General Nursing

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I do not know if this is the right place to ask about this but I will try anyway. A classmate of my 4 year old daughter and her mother were murdered. It is such a sad situation and just thinking about it makes me wanna cry. Everytime the news comes on and my daughter sees the picture of her classmate she asks when the child will be coming back to camp for the summer. I told her the child will not be back at camp and that just made her ask even more questions about her. How do you explain death to a 4 year old in a way that they can understand? My daughter keeps asking questions because she was very close to the child and I don't want to ignore her or change the subject.

Specializes in Med/Surg, DSU, Ortho, Onc, Psych.

Firstly, young children do not see death in the same way as us. They see it more as an abstract concept. They don't always understand that death is the final ending.

It is a very hard and extremely sad situation you face. When my niece saw a dead animal when she was small, I explained that we don't all live forever. She was being raised religious so I put it in the context of her religion. I said only her God (Jehovah) knew the number of days we would live. I also explained I was not religious and believed that when we die, we do not go to a heaven, we just become part of the plants and trees in the ground. I told her people die in many different ways, but of course did not go into gory details.

It gave her a lot to think about, but she grasped the concept and seemed OK with it. If ur religious you can use that concept to explain death. If ur not, I wouldn't use religious terms, I think telling children simply that we all die sooner or later and using black and white terms helps, in an appropriate way of course.

Think about grief counselling if she is still confused and has questions. A counsellor is not close to the persons who died as you or your daughter were, and can analyse the situation in a more empathetic and diplomatic way.

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Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.

That is heartbreaking. I agree with what everyone else has suggested and it brought me back about 9 years when two boys were murdered (at night) on our school playground, also (I will assume) during a summer break.

The school sent a letter to all the parents with some guidelines on what to say because an event like this is constantly talked about and kids pick up all kinds of random snippets of conversation that can be very troubling but they are not old enough to verbalize.

When school resumed they had counselors and meetings for the families.

So I would ask what, if anything is the school or the day camp planning to do, if anything, to give the children any sort of grief assistance?

It is just so, so awful. I'm sorry your community has to deal with such a traumatic event.

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firstly, young children do not see death in the same way as us. they see it more as an abstract concept. they don't always understand that death is the final ending.

it is a very hard and extremely sad situation you face. when my niece saw a dead animal when she was small, i explained that we don't all live forever. she was being raised religious so i put it in the context of her religion. i said only her god (jehovah) knew the number of days we would live. i also explained i was not religious and believed that when we die, we do not go to a heaven, we just become part of the plants and trees in the ground. i told her people die in many different ways, but of course did not go into gory details.

it gave her a lot to think about, but she grasped the concept and seemed ok with it. if ur religious you can use that concept to explain death. if ur not, i wouldn't use religious terms, i think telling children simply that we all die sooner or later and using black and white terms helps, in an appropriate way of course.

sorry, i would be very upset and offended if it was my "small" daughter, "being raised religious", and you explained your beliefs about death (as in "we do not go to heaven, we just become part of the plants and trees in the ground"). i think that was out of line, even if you are her aunt.

best leave philosophical differences to discuss when they are older.

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Just wanted to add to the above post... I would be just as upset if my small child was not being raised religious and a relative tried to explain death in religious terms.

I believe it should be up to the parents to explain these concepts in accordance to their values. It should also be up to the parents to explain that not everyone may share those beliefs - when age appropriate.

To the OP - I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. Now is the time to speak to your child from the heart. Keep it simple, but be honest - kids know when you are lying, and they also have a right to express their own emotions.

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I'm so sorry for you and your daughters loss. I find that short, simple, and HONEST answers work best. My experience has been that children handle death much better than adults. I don't know your thoughts on the afterlife, but I'll give you my experience. When my first DH died instantly (MVA) my 5 y/o told everyone to quit crying because his daddy was in heaven w/ Jesus and his daddy was happy.

There are several good books on talking to kids about death and therapists as well. Many SW work on a sliding scale for these services. I will lift you up in prayer and sending big hugs.:redbeathe

This does not exactly mean that he had processed it well, more like just found an out.

And I'm deeply sorry fo your loss. OP, short and to the point answers seem the best solution at this time. You validate her feelings and provide her some understanding of the situation at the same time.

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Thanks everyone for all of your responses.

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Specializes in CV; ICU; LTC; Outpt; St Dev;.

In my experience, kids really seem to lock onto the idea of "Heaven". They like the sound of the word--it is so soft and pleasant--and they repeat that "so-and-so has gone to heaven" with a sort of comfortable acceptance.

For what it's worth...

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Sorry, I would be very upset and offended if it was my "small" daughter, "being raised religious", and you explained your beliefs about death (as in "we do not go to heaven, we just become part of the plants and trees in the ground"). I think that was out of line, even if you are her aunt.

Best leave philosophical differences to discuss when they are older.

I didn't find anything out of line with what she said. She didn't tell the girl that she was wrong, she incorporated the girls belief in to the explanation, and also her own. She wasn't doing it to prove a point, at least I don't think. Children appreciate honesty as much as we do.

I do agree that it is walking on eggshells when it comes to other peoples children. That being said, everyone automatically assumes the best way to explain death to a child is to talk about heaven. This really turns my crank, because no consideration to what the parents want is ever considered. Most people don't even give the courtesy of embracing the parents view, they only talk about what they think is best, which is why I am more inclined to defend the poster.

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Seems best to avoid talking to other peoples' children altogether, to avoid offending the masses-- no matter what their beliefs. (and I mean that with more respect than how it sounds). ;)

Talk to the parent-- IF they ask-- about ideas for helping the kid.... just tell the kid-- if it's OK with the parent-- that you were sorry to hear that his/her friend got hurt/won't be at camp/etc...... :o

Everybody wants to have their opinion, and not hear anybody who has a different one (sorry, I'm grouchy today- but this seems to be a standard problem with SO many topics)..... hard to have a conversation with anybody anymore..... sad.:crying2:

I hope everybody has a good weekend (what's left) :)

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