Rules for the ER (long)

[EDValerieRN]

The Emergency Room

1. The world of ER does not revolve around you. There are sick people here, and you aren't one of them.

2. Our definition of sick is not your definition of sick. If a member of the ER staff says that someone is sick, it means that they are in the process of DYING. They have had a massive stroke, are bleeding out, having a heart attack, or shot. We don't consider a tooth injury sick. Painful, yes. Sick, no.

2. At any given time, one nurse has four patients. One doctor has up to 15. There is a law (similar to Murphy's) in the ER. If you have four patients:

• One of them will be sick (see #2 for definition)
• One of them will be whining constantly
• One of them will be homeless
• and one of them will be the delightful patient.
• Don't be the whiner. Please.

3. Physicians and nurses are not waiters. We are not customer service representatives. This is not McDonalds, and you very well may NOT have it your way. Our job is to save your life, or at least make you feel better. If you want a pillow, two blankets, the lights dimmed, and the TV on channel 14, go to the Ramada.

4. If you have one of the three, go to your own doctor in the morning:

• A cold
• The flu
• A stomach virus

5. If your child has a fever, you had better give him tylenol before coming in. Do NOT let the fever remain high just so I will believe the child has a fever. Do you want your child to have a seizure? Do you?

6. We have priorities. We understand that you have been waiting for two hours in the waiting room. If you don't want to wait, make an appointment with a doctor. The little old lady that just walked in looking OK to you is probably having a massive heart attack. That's why she goes first.

7. Do not ask us how long it will be. We don't know. I don't know what's coming through my door 30 seconds from now... so I surely don't know when you'll be getting a room upstairs.

8. We are not for primary care. Get a family doctor, and go see them.

9. If you have diabetes and do not control it, you are committing slow suicide.

10. We know how many times you've been to an ER. We can usually tell if you are faking it on the first 5 seconds of talking to you. Do not lie to us. If you lie about one thing, we will assume you are lying about everything. You don't want that.

11. If you are well enough to complain about the wait, you are well enough to go home.

12. If your mother is a patient and we ask her a question, let her answer it.

13. If you see someone pushing a big cart down the hall at full speed and you hear bells going off.... do not ask for a cup of coffee. Someone is dying, you inconsiderate %#@^. In the ER, bells don't ring for nothing. Sit down, shut up, and let us work.

14. If you have any sort of stomach pain and you ask for something to eat, you are not that sick.

15. If you can complain about the blood pressure cuff being too tight, or the IV needle hurting, you are not in that much pain.

16. If you want to get something, be nice. I will go out of my way to tick off rude people.

17. Do not talk badly about the other members of staff I work with. The doctor that you hate? I work with him every day, and I know that he knows what he is doing. I trust him a lot more than I trust you. I am not here to be your friend, and neither is he. I will tell him what you said, and we will laugh about it. If you want a buddy, go somewhere else.

18. Every time I ask you a question, I learn more about what is wrong with you. I don't care if I ask you what day it is four different times. Each time I ask, it is for a reason. Just answer the questions, regardless of if you have answered them before.

19. Do not utter the words "It's in my chart." I don't have your chart, and I don't have the time to call and get it. Just tell me.

20. Do not bring your entire posse with you. One person at the bedside is all you need. It is really difficult to get around seven people in the event that you are really sick.

[lunakat]

OMG these are so true! I had one of those days today! Thanks for the laughs

[caroladybelle, BSN, RN]

How about candy dishes on the counter at the nurses station: one with Vicodin tabs, one with Percs, and one with work excuses?

You forget the post-it pad with the taxi cab vouchers.

[bellarn75]

1. Do not use 911 EMS for a ride to the ER for arm pain you had for a year because you didn't have a way to get here or you think you will be seen by a doctor faster.

2. We are not a hotel and I'm not your housekeeper!

3. Don't come in with the complaint of decreased appetite & not eating x 1 week and the first thing you ask me is..."can I have something to eat? I haven't been able to eat for a week" So all of a sudden you can?

4. If you plan on committing suicide, do it right the first time. Oh and don't call 911!

5. Don't rate your pain 10/10 when you were sleeping or can barely stay awake when I ask you to rate your pain.

6. We are an ER, not a free pharmacy or medical supply store.

7. If you come in for nausea & vomiting and refuse to have an IV inserted for IV fluids, don't bother coming in cuz we can't help you!

8. The ER is not a One Stop Shop. Just because you were here to be seen for your boil does not mean you need to check in all your 5 kids with different last names for their runny noses, coughs, and their fever of 98.6.

9. Don't bring your child in for fever and then ask if I could dispense some tylenol at discharge. It is against the law for us to dispense meds. And don't ask me what you are going to do about your child's fever because you don't have the money to pay for it. Well I wonder how the hell you are going to pay for this expensive ER visit then? One suggestion would be maybe selling your LV purse and name brand clothing...then you could perhaps afford some tylenol for your child's fever.

10. Don't ask me if you are going to be admitted before a doctor even examined you or before we could find out what is wrong with you. Sorry if you needed to know because you have to catch the bus home before it stops running.

Thanks for all the other funny comments. I've been an ER nurse for about 7 yrs, and I'm already getting burned out with all this nonsense!

[Lurksalot, BSN, RN]

If you are talking on your cell phone and hold your finger up to me when I call your name, you will lose your triage assessment spot. No, I am not making the 35 other people sitting in the waiting room with hang-nails wait to be assessed. Your hangnail goes to the back of the line.

[yvonnemuse, BSN, RN]

I want to add this to the list posted in the waiting area:

Yes the nurse will be kind as possible to you while you are here,however please refrain from chasing her and calling her name at the top of your lungs when you see said nurse in Wegmans.She is NOT your friend,free dispenser of advise or missing you or caring in anyway how that sebaceous cyst turned out.

[weirdRN, RN]

To OP:

Thank you and everyone elese for a really good laugh.

[PedsER-RN, BSN, RN]

I didn't read all the posts, so some may be repeats:

Don't chat us up and then 6 weeks later write complaint letters full of lies. We have copies of your chart-we know what time everything happened and what was done. We're not stupid.

Don't withold tylenol/motrin b/c you wanted us to see you child really does have a fever.

Do you take something when you have a headache? Good, how about sharing some with your kid when he/she has one. Kids feel pain too, you know.

Just because your quack of a doctor sent you here after diagnosing you with strep or an ear infection doesn't mean we'll do anything different. And yes, you will run fever.

Don't call us and ask for someone to come pick you up to take you to the hospital. Call a cab. Better yet, stay home.

Demanding plastics for a 1/2 cm lac won't go over too well-better to just shut up and let the er doc do his/her job.

Diarrhea/vomiting x1 does not = emergency.

Don't come in for a work excuse. If you get me for your nurse, chances are good you won't get one.

Don't bring your kid in for rlq ap and then leave ama b/c you don't "have time to wait" for lab results.

Glaring at me from the doorway will not make me move any faster. In fact, you'll only wait longer.

If your kid(s) can chow down on big red and cheetos then they probably aren't too sick.

No, you can't give your baby her bottle since she just threw up.

Sorry you have to wait for xrays. They just don't teach us how to operate the machines in nursing school.

No, i don't know how long the wait will be. Longer if you keep asking.

No, pain for x months isn't an emergency.

Coming by ambulance won't always get you back quicker.

If you bring your child in b/c he "won't talk" and then whines about taking some medicine, there's a clue that he might be pulling your leg.

If you see a car marked "medical examiner" outside the er, maybe you should reconsider if you really have an emergency. If you decide to stay, don't ask how long it will be, and don't ask what happened. It's none of your business.

When I ask your child to rate his/her pain, don't point to the 10 on the chart and say "you feel like this one, don't you?" it doesn't work with me. If you do that then i'll rate his/her pain myself. There's a reason i direct questions at certain people.

I'm sure there's more to come....

[irmaRN]

Sooooo true nurses!!! Here are some of mine...

1. Dont try to hand me 20 bottles of meds that you take when i am in triage... For i will make you read the name and dose... These are your meds and you should know what you are taking!!!!

2. Dont ask me to feed the army that you came with... Its bad enough that i have to feed and cater to non emergent bs.....

3. Dont get pissed at me that i cant "pull" up your past medical history, 27 allerigies and 50 medications that you take... Especially if you frequent our er 3-4 times a month!!

4. Dont get pissed at me if the doctor doesnt give you your favorite narcotic....

5. Dont expect a wheelchair or warm blanket in the waiting room if you are waiting to be seen... You dont get that at your doctors office and we should not be doing it here!!!

6. Unfortunately, our hospital gives out taxi vouchers if you dont have a way home... But if left up to me... Get your own way home!! And quite a few know that we offer this service...

Etc etc etc....

[pmednurse, RN]

Thank you all for the laughs !!!!!!! Having spent 10 years as a paramedic I can relate to every single one of these !!! :roll

[momdebo, BSN, RN]

These are great! I am posting them in our locker room!

[tddowney]

OOOH .. good one. Almost forgot about that one!:smackingf You could also use the money that you just pumped into the vending machines to feed yourself, your significant other & 3 kids.

Love those $300/ month smokers who also have a $50/week bar bill...........but "can't afford" health insurance.

[ERheart, BSN, RN]

You can always tell who the ER nurses are! Some of my fondest memories are:

1) Can't you do something with that "Person" (one of my weekened boyfriends=homeless drunk). He smells. Yes mama, I'll shove him up your %&*(((). Then maybe the smell would go away. We love that smell, it means were home.

2.)Don't attempt to attack me when I'm doing chest compressions on a patient. I'm not a nice person when that happens.

3.)As mentioned before. Don't fake your illness. If you say you can't walk, then it's probably not a wise idea to walk into the ER prior to the next shift coming on.

4.) If you feel like your going to vomit, please vomit in the trash can or the emesis basin that was given to you. Not on the floor.

5.)As mentioned before. Don't call 911 from our waiting room. We have great communication with the local EMS. They tend to ask questions. Not smart!

6.)Remember your not in Wal-mart. We charge you for those kerlix's, tongue depressors and Alcohol swabs that you let your kids play with.

7.)Please be honest about extra curicular activities. I'm an ER nurse I've seen almost everything. Therefore maybe I could diagnoses why you look like Dr. Suess's hat. (Meth user gone bad)

8.) Don't scream @ me or my staff when you don't get the diagnosis your seeking for. I'm sorry Anxiety disorder isn't koser for your Workman's Comp case.

I work at a specility hospital in their ER. There's not a day goes by that I don't mess my weekened boyfriends and the crazy people I met.