Rude Relative, advise please

gypsyatheart · Aug 28, 2003

In the past, whenever this type of situation has come up, (thankfully, not very often), the unit manager has sometimes had to get involved and speak privately with family members. They explain, in a firm, kind way that their relative is is the hospital for nursing care, etc, etc. We even had to get one of the patients MD's involved once d/t so much strife w/the family. Also, if it becomes a real problem, sometimes Social Services/Social Workers can speak w/the family.

As for caring for the patient again, you can request not to be assigned to this pt. d/t family conflict, but if all the nurses are having the same problem, I'd say that probably won't work. The root problem is what needs to be solved.

passing thru · Aug 28, 2003

It is family dynamics. Obviously the rude one has some unresolved issues with the patient.

Seems she wants to pay her debt to him here at what she perceives as "the end."

Some family members cannot let the pt die without

performing some tasks to relieve their sense of guilt or sense of gratitude....

Anyway, sounds like you managed the situation well.

The rude one was not out to get you personally.

You just happened to be an obstacle to the tasks she felt emotionally and psychologically -

she needed to perform.

Maybe she needs his forgiveness for an old injury.

bulletproofbarb · Aug 28, 2003

Originally posted by passing thru
It is family dynamics. Obviously the rude one has some unresolved issues with the patient.
Seems she wants to pay her debt to him here at what she perceives as "the end."
Some family members cannot let the pt die without
performing some tasks to relieve their sense of guilt or sense of gratitude....

Anyway, sounds like you managed the situation well.

The rude one was not out to get you personally.
You just happened to be an obstacle to the tasks she felt emotionally and psychologically -
she needed to perform.

Maybe she needs his forgiveness for an old injury.

Oh, well I never thought of that. Maybe because she comes across as so self assured and positive when she is with him. However, they are divorced and she has entered his life since this illness. When I asked who she was at the beginning of the shift, she said "Next of Kin", she didn't say spouse, ex or anything. I thought it was strange that she referred to herself as "next of kin".

Still, even if that is the case, she has no right to be rude and I still refuse to look after him. He's a really nice guy by the way, a model patient, polite ect. Not many of those around.

sjoe · Aug 28, 2003

Ideally, your nurse manager would have a meeting with all the nurses who take care of this person and work out an appropriate plan of care, which might or might not involve strictly limiting this person's visiting hours, etc. AND having a doc speak with her firmly.

Whether she has mental problems (the visitor, not the manager, though that is not ruled out), old personal issues, or whatever is NOT your job to "fix" nor to take abuse because of it.

purplemania, BSN, RN · Aug 28, 2003

Our chain is nurse manager then house supervisor then security. We don't accept verbal abuse.

altomga, ADN, BSN, MSN, DNP, RN, APRN · Aug 28, 2003

I agree with purplemania....I do not get paid to put up with abuse!!! I recently had a family member removed from the hospital by our police for verbal abuse and aggressiveness towards the staff!!!

If the visitors are interfering with care we can ask them to leave and then if needed to have the police remove them. I try to get pt rep involved, etc first, but I do what I have to.

We are nurses!! We should not have to be put in any type of dangerous situations!!

Rapheal · Aug 29, 2003

I hate it when a family member has issues and interferes with the care of a patient. Honest to goodness, it sometimes seems like they believe they are on TV and are the star of the show.

gwenith, BSN, RN · Aug 29, 2003

Originally posted by Rapheal
I hate it when a family member has issues and interferes with the care of a patient. Honest to goodness, it sometimes seems like they believe they are on TV and are the star of the show.

And THAT could be part of the problem too!! I have looked after more than a few where the patient is in ICU and the relative is talking up thier own health complaints to try and "outdo" the patient and divert attention onto them. :rolleyes:

You don't have to take abuse - that is not in any contract anywhere. Perhaps your best bet would be to ask the shift co-ordinator to allocate a male nurse.

I would also talk to the CNC (head nurse? what is WA's designation BTW?) and point out how the other staf by not reporting thier own difficulties they not only put you in an invidious position but they have failied to cover themselves in the very real risk of complaint against them.

debRNo1 · Aug 29, 2003

Originally posted by Rapheal
I hate it when a family member has issues and interferes with the care of a patient.

I get report on a transfer from PCU and its an elderly female, has just about every DX in the book. Im told shes on a "one-one". Obviously I ask WHY ? But the nurse cant tell me !!?? No falls no unsafe behaviors at all...................

Well when she comes up an absolutely INSANE, rude, ignorant daughter accompanies her, begins to order us around before they are out of the elevator !!! Daughter is a nut job-no doubt and begins to bark out orders and threats. She is mouthing off to another nurse and I go get momma settled, quick assessment and VS. She can hardly breathe and looks to be knocking on heavens door and has NO DNR. She is telling EVERYONE how 4 yrs ago momma came home from THIS hospital with "bruises and how she took pics !! Now I come to learn that daughter is the reason for the one to one, maybe a kind of reverse Munchausen syndrome type thing going on.

She is overly involved but has no clue what she is talking about. She wants me to "push a button- like they did downstairs" to let the urine out of foley because mommas lady parts is hurting her !!! Now we have a 15 min debate and there is NO BUTTON to push but she insists that I dont know what Im talking about. Momma has no complaints. Daughter wants the roommates flowers removed cause momma cant breathe. SORRY- no. There is an AC issue and issues about the room. She wants the door bed-NO She was on multiple inhalers Q 4 hrs, I gave the 1800's around 1745 and she says to grandson, "that nurse is killing grandma-she gave the medicine wrong" Shes NPO but daughter INSISTS she can have ice chips, the order says NPO-period. She told anyone that would listen how "this nurse" is killing momma.

Doc comes and tries to explain how sick momma is but she wont hear him. She begins to talk about 1948 and how momma had a stomach ache !! She is screaming in the hall at MD- will she live or die ?????? She called every 5 mins. overnight and was back in early AM. Her husband sat there like a complete idiot and never said a word-poor guy.

Usually Im very good with "problem" families and they all seem to come my way eventually. This one I could not take, I despised that daughter and the next day I refused to take care of momma. I watched her do the same thing to the other nurse and was so grateful it was not me. That night she coded, got intubated and went to ICU. They wouldnt let her in and she roamed the hospital complaining and seeking attention from anyone who would listen. She came up to "use the phone" in mommas room. I stopped her in her tracks and said its not mommas room anymore and you cant use the phone, I enjoyed telling her this too. Let her make a complaint on me. GO AWAY CRAZY LADY...............

The poor old lady eventually passed and I wondered what the heck this daughter will do with her life now but I hope and pray that I never ever see that woman again.

Its a hard enough job but so much harder when families are difficult. I appreciate a families input, care, and concerns but when they are off the wall it takes away from every other patient under my care.

I documented it too but could not find ANYTHING written about this situation so I too looked like the only one with a problem !

Sorry for the rant it was a horrible experience.

deb

KLS · Aug 29, 2003

I would get the other nurses who have had a problem with this person to also document their experience with her. An initial note only though. Continuing to document "unable to or refuse to provide care to pt because of relatives abuse, etc" is not going to hold for long at all. then put in NN...please see coordinator's (or whoever you have in charge there) documentation. She/he will have forms that the nurses can document on if this abuse keeps up. He/she should also be in there trying to address this problem and they should document accordingly also! You can not do your job because of the verbal abuse of this person...something has to be done..start by alerting them asap. If they don't listen, tell someone else in charge. Don't allow them to sit there and simply laugh about it, how dare they? There should be no need to even start a head nurse/coordinators note though, this, hopefully, has been addressed and dealt with by now. Keep doing what you're doing- Do not tolerate the abuse!

I feel sorry for this patient who seems to have such an ars for a relative.

ratchit · Sep 1, 2003

BulletProofBarb-

They're divorced? Is she the health care proxy or Medical Power of Attorney? If not, hand her the HIPPA rules and have her escorted out the door- you could be in big trouble for giving her any info about the patient at all.

If families won't respect us and work with us, we don't have to take it. I have told a couple families that I could not provide the care their loved one needs if they will not let him rest, let me assess him, etc. Obnoxious patients and families need to be shared and management told- in writing, for when the family complaints come in about you.

I have also worked out plans with families- you can stay for this but not for that and explained why. And I try to remember that I don't know their whole history and I am not seeing this family at it's best.

But you do not have to accept harassment or abuse.