Removed my mom from life support. Need opinion/reasurance.

Burnt Out, ASN, RN · Sep 24, 2005

jennie,

it is so normal to worry after what you and your family have been through. sometimes it is hard to make choices for those we love although sometimes we know they are the right ones deep down in our hearts. it is agonizing to let our loved ones go.

three years ago, my husband and i took our son off of life support. blake was born with congenital heart disease, along with a couple of other birth defects. he did so well for a baby born 8 weeks early and to have all of these problems, but eventually his little body just couldn't take it anymore. blake had to be coded twice in the very early hours the morning he died and we were told that if he was to code a third time, he wouldn't survive it. so we told blake's doctors and nurses to not resuscitate him if he slipped away from us again. later that morning, blake's heart rate started slowing down more and more and i knew deep down that it was time to let him go, in peace and i believe he was telling me it was time too: his daddy and i held him and we asked the nicu staff to take the ventilator off; a few minutes later, he earned his angel wings. he was 12 days old.

i love and miss my son more than words will ever say. i wish every day that he was here with us and that will never stop. but i know where he is know that he is healthy and happy and that gives me a sense of peace.

i don't think you will go to hell. you will not be punished: you listened to your mother and abided by her wishes to let her go "home".

it is good to talk about your feelings. is there anyone you can talk to like a support group or anything. sometimes talking to those who have been where you are now helps so much.

many hugs,

ginger

JennieIrene · Sep 25, 2005

I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to everybody who replied to me. It really really did help, i feel alot more at peace with the situation. THANK YOU EVERYONE.

Everyone who shared their own stories and those who wrote comforting words, thank you. And to answer Lisa's (woogy) question on how did i feel when we made that decision. I felt peace. Peace for my mom that she would finally be okay. Like she would be free. And when she passed i was happy on the inside because i knew that now she is perfectly fine. My mom ALWAYS joked around, constantly, and she was a very strong stubborn woman. Its just...one thing that really bothers me is..My mom was saying the "I just want to go Home..Mom Dad.etc.." stuff to my dad. She wouldn't say that to me. I would hear her downstairs saying that. And when we were at the hospital my dad said that she would say that to him. But when i went into her hospital room to visit her i couldn't hold my tears back, i felt a lump in my throat and i didn't want to cry and stress her out so i held it in. But tears still came out and my voice cracked. She saw this and said in her joking way "Its not like i'm dyin" and i just said "i know, i know." And the doctor asked her later that day that if something were to happen to her, did she want to be revived and be put back on life support, and my dad said "Denese, we all want you to be here with us, we want to take care of you." and my mom said that she did want the life support. (I think she said that she wanted the life support because my dad said that). About 2 days later she got put back on the life support. And later we decided to remove her from it. And it bothers me because i think " What if she REALLY didn't want to pass on, i mean, she did say that she WANTED the life support." But then she had been telling my dad that she wanted to go Home. Do you think my mom still really wanted to pass on? She has given my family some signs since she's been 'gone', if any of you believe in that stuff. Its just, she has been saying the Home thing, but she said that when she was ESPECIALLY in pain and struggling, then she said she wanted the life support. That just really bothers me the most. I don't know, i guess i just can't be comforted on this unless i allow myself too. Its a difficult situation and i can't expect it to be easy. I wanted to be a nurse before all this, because i saw how they were when i was in the hospital for my own reasons. But ESPECIALLY after my mom had been in the hospital because she had this really great nurse named Jenny and she was so great. She did her job, was professional, but still took the time to be human with us, and really see how we were doing. She even sat in the waiting room with us and talked to us. She would braid my moms hair and did her nails. She was just so so nice. and i saw that and i knew "This is what I am supposed to do." I want to be a nurse who works in a Hospice. I just doubt myself sometimes , I think "but CAN i do this?" I know everyone has doubts, i just can't give into them. I REALLY want to do this so i can't let this stop me. :)

Well thanks for listening to me as i rambled on and on.

You guys are all really great, Thank you so much.

-Jennie

rambisisking · Sep 25, 2005

I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to everybody who replied to me. It really really did help, i feel alot more at peace with the situation. THANK YOU EVERYONE.
Everyone who shared their own stories and those who wrote comforting words, thank you. And to answer Lisa's (woogy) question on how did i feel when we made that decision. I felt peace. Peace for my mom that she would finally be okay. Like she would be free. And when she passed i was happy on the inside because i knew that now she is perfectly fine. My mom ALWAYS joked around, constantly, and she was a very strong stubborn woman. Its just...one thing that really bothers me is..My mom was saying the "I just want to go Home..Mom Dad.etc.." stuff to my dad. She wouldn't say that to me. I would hear her downstairs saying that. And when we were at the hospital my dad said that she would say that to him. But when i went into her hospital room to visit her i couldn't hold my tears back, i felt a lump in my throat and i didn't want to cry and stress her out so i held it in. But tears still came out and my voice cracked. She saw this and said in her joking way "Its not like i'm dyin" and i just said "i know, i know." And the doctor asked her later that day that if something were to happen to her, did she want to be revived and be put back on life support, and my dad said "Denese, we all want you to be here with us, we want to take care of you." and my mom said that she did want the life support. (I think she said that she wanted the life support because my dad said that). About 2 days later she got put back on the life support. And later we decided to remove her from it. And it bothers me because i think " What if she REALLY didn't want to pass on, i mean, she did say that she WANTED the life support." But then she had been telling my dad that she wanted to go Home. Do you think my mom still really wanted to pass on? She has given my family some signs since she's been 'gone', if any of you believe in that stuff. Its just, she has been saying the Home thing, but she said that when she was ESPECIALLY in pain and struggling, then she said she wanted the life support. That just really bothers me the most. I don't know, i guess i just can't be comforted on this unless i allow myself too. Its a difficult situation and i can't expect it to be easy. I wanted to be a nurse before all this, because i saw how they were when i was in the hospital for my own reasons. But ESPECIALLY after my mom had been in the hospital because she had this really great nurse named Jenny and she was so great. She did her job, was professional, but still took the time to be human with us, and really see how we were doing. She even sat in the waiting room with us and talked to us. She would braid my moms hair and did her nails. She was just so so nice. and i saw that and i knew "This is what I am supposed to do." I want to be a nurse who works in a Hospice. I just doubt myself sometimes , I think "but CAN i do this?" I know everyone has doubts, i just can't give into them. I REALLY want to do this so i can't let this stop me. :)
Well thanks for listening to me as i rambled on and on.
You guys are all really great, Thank you so much.
-Jennie

Jennie,

I have been reading through the astounding words that have been printed here. There is much reassurance given by many people, but it occurs to me that what you really NEED to know is whether it was truly what your mother wanted. I am hoping that you will be able to calm the tapes in your head so that you may be able to "hear" that message from her. You say she has been giving your family some "Signs", I definetly believe in "that stuff". I believe that she is knowing that you are having distress about this, and that she is trying to relieve that worry from you. Messages from our loved ones, can come through in some of the simplest ways, if your mind and heart are clear and open to them. Just trying to calm yourself enough to recieve them is the most important thing. Maybe there is something that is familar or special to just the 2 of you that she may be able to comunicate through.

My father could fix anything, literally. After he became ill, the backyard flood light stopped working. I traveled through 3 states every few months, left my job and family to care for him. We tried several times to fix the light, knowing of course that Dad could figure out the problem and correct it, but also knowing it was not a job to take on in his condition. We took pains to keep it from him, even lying when he would ask why the light didn't go on. After he passed away, I stayed with my mother for a month to help her take care of a lot of business details and, well, just to be with her. The day I left to come home we were all standing out in the back yard saying good-bye, My mom hugged me and thanked me for everything, I turned to get into my car and my 9 year old nephew said, "WoW, look the light is on, Grampa is saying Thanks too". After he said that the light slowly went off, it has never gone on again, it was 3pm bright sunshine. I am sure that was a communication, but would have never realized it had my nephew not been open to recieving it. I now am more open to recognizing these things and feel a close contact with several others besides my Father.

I hope that you can find your answer from the source, it may be the only way you can aquire peace about this issue. I will pray for an open channel to come your way. :)

ZASHAGALKA, RN · Sep 25, 2005

I Cry

I cry

And the sky shows its blue sympathy

Or clouds the stars from her eyes

To cry with me

I shudder

And the world remains firm

A hope against my soul-ripped heart

My strength when I have none

I cannot

The day has no meaning

But the sun still rises

Even as darkness falls around me

I rage

And the world responds with beauty

Unfair to whisper grace

When grace I cannot feel

I scream

And the heavens absorb my cry

And yet still responds with stars

Even though my star is gone

I fall

And cannot think discreetly

The earth spins undetected

And so do I

I cringe

At casual conversation

How can time move on

No, I am not OK

I plead

For hope I cannot feel

Grace I do not know

They are strangers to me

I know

That life is unsecure

And breath is as impermanent

As souls are forever

I live

In uncontented days

Along uncommitted paths

In a world that no longer makes sense

I sigh

And the world doesn't sigh with me

And time moves ahead

And leaves me behind

I yearn

For portals between worlds

For reaffirmation

For a drop of yesterday

I want

The links to grow unended

My path to not be parted

My heart to not be still

I am

A link without the linkage

A bond without the bonding

A soul without its quilting

I go

Forward day by day

Holding invisible hands

That pray with me for continuity

I hope

That hope someday will find me

And show me paths to meet me

With hands that hold mine still

I grow

Not apart but abreadth

Not alone but amidst

Interconnected by faith

I see

That time is so uncertain

That here is not not there

And forever is true regardless

~faith,

Timothy.

hipab4hands · Sep 25, 2005

You absolutely did the right thing.... you have to think about the quality of life that she would have wanted.....I know it is the toughest decision that you will have to make in your life, but you did the right thing.. Thank god she had a daughter like you. I only hope that the daughters I have, make the same decision. God be with you.......

Your family made the most compasionate and loving decision- you honored her wishes.

There's nothing to feel guilty about.

rambisisking · Sep 25, 2005

Timothy,

Are you the author of that gem?

nursemary9, BSN, RN · Sep 25, 2005

Dear Jennie,

You are not going to Hell, honey. You are indeed a very loving and brave daughter!! You did what your Mom wanted.

When my Dad was dying, we followed his wishes that he did not want life-support nor a feeding tube. He wanted only comfort. My Mom and my family chose to follow his wishes and we have never regretted it. we were content in knowing that was what he wanted.

We will follow my Mom's wishes when her time comes & hopefully my family will follow my wishes when I am that close to death.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Timothy--you are just wonderful with words.

Mary Ann

Corvette Guy · Sep 25, 2005

hi. i really need your opinions on this, please tell me what you think.
my mom passed away about 7 months ago. she was very sick. she had m.s, had a heart attack, had heart disease, was diagnosed with diabetes a month before she passed, along with many other things. she had pain 24/7, was constantly tired. she was only 43. she was very sick, especially more-so at the last few months. she couldn't bathe herself, couldn't go up/down stairs, couldn't really controle bladder anymore, could barely walk, and she never left the house. she began having difficulty breathing and even stopped breathing once. she went to the hospital and was put on life support twice. she developed pnemonia. (not from the life support). the doctors said that she would never get better. she had a feeding tube put into her nose. the doctors said that all they could do for her was so perform a tracheotomy and put a feeding tube into her stomach. because of her m.s all the food/liquid that she would consume would fall directly into her lungs and she would aspirate. she was very very sick and wouldn't get any better. the doctors said that even with the tracheotomy she wouldn't still be back and forth on and off life support for the rest of her life. my family made the decision to remove her from the life support. the past month before she even went into the hospital she had been saying "i just want to go home, i want to see my mom and dad, i can't do this anymore." we removed her from the life support and she passed about about 4 and a half hours later. we did this out of love because she was sick and knew she wouldn't recover fully from this... but now i worry: are we going to go to hell? is it okay what we did? is that our place to do that (god). etc...like is my mom being punished because we did this? i just worry so much. any bodys opinion would just be wonderful, please tell me what you think. thank you, in advance, so much.
jennie

"the past month before she even went into the hospital she had been saying "i just want to go home, i want to see my mom and dad, i can't do this anymore."

imho, your family honored your mother's wishes. so, i understand your hurt over the loss of your mom... yet, stop worrying about if ya'll did the right thing. your mom [in heaven] is no longer suffering from ms & wants you & the rest of her family to be happy, and drive on.

Tweety, BSN, RN · Sep 25, 2005

My condolences. Lots of kind words on this thread, I don't feel the need to add anymore.

You did the most loving and kind thing you could have done. You are not going to hell.