Relationships vs Gastic Bypass Surgery

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My spouse had bypass sx over one year ago and lost so far lost 100 lbs. I was very supportive in him having the sx. However, six months ago my spouse told me that he wants out of the marriage because he is not happy. I am of course devasated. I have heard that relationships have changed some for the better others for worst. Has anyone else experience this?:scrying:

Specializes in ICU, Psych.

My wife of 21 years and I took a good look at how this surgery would change our family life and agreed that we would be different after the sx. Since we both had the sx at close to the same time and are both loosing weight and looking different, it has not impacted us much at all. However, we can both see that if only one of us had a great change in life then it would have made a difference.

The OP did not mention whether weight was an issue with both sides, and I think it could make a difference. I also think that this really needs to be looked into far ahead of having the sx done. I see many families break up because people change something, or to be more specific "become different". That included weightless, substance abuse, sports, other hobbies. Anytime you make a big change in life you risk your relationship.

I certainly hope you get everything straightened out and that things will work out the way you want them. Eighter way, make the best of it for yourself.

I have to agree with the fact one poster brought up that there is always a double standard. When a guy leaves his wife he is a low down SOB, before anyone even listens to why he left. If a lady does the same thing, even if she leaves her husband for a new guy, then many times you hear go team go girl. Thats just the way it is.

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I did not have gastric bypass surgery but I did lose 125 pounds. When I weighed 240 pounds:bowingpur I remember feeling so very grateful that any man would even want me. My "loser boyfriend" actually wanted to be with me despite my obesity. After I lost my weight, I got my self respect and my self esteem back:up: and I realized I didn't need my "loser boyfriend" any more.:yeah:

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Specializes in Peds (previous psyc/SA briefly).

Diva -

First, I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling. To answer your original question, I've seen marriages fall apart after bariatric surgery, yes.

But that doesn't sound like the issue - judging by your last post. Maybe the weight loss gave him some momentum, yes, but hear what he said (no matter how much it hurts.) He felt that way from the beginning. (I know, ouch.) I don't want to sound like a cliche here, but honestly, no one can ever make anyone love them. No matter how much we hope, desire, dream, need...

That being said - I know from personal experience the pain of betrayal and divorce. I was voted most likely to be married with kids at 21 in high school. I did NOT expect to be in a crap marriage and divorced. Didn't want to be. Would have cut off a hand (at the time) to avoid it.) But those were the cards I was dealt.

And I also know that sometimes you can be blindsided by an incredible future that's better than anything you ever hoped for later.

You loved this person enough to commit. With respect, maybe right now concentrate on loving yourself enough to pause, regroup, gather your strength and honestly face reality. If he will go to counseling with you, fantastic. If not, go alone. But no matter what happens, this doesn't define you - or your future.

I wish you the absolute best.

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.
My wife of 21 years and I took a good look at how this surgery would change our family life and agreed that we would be different after the sx. Since we both had the sx at close to the same time and are both loosing weight and looking different, it has not impacted us much at all. However, we can both see that if only one of us had a great change in life then it would have made a difference.

The OP did not mention whether weight was an issue with both sides, and I think it could make a difference. I also think that this really needs to be looked into far ahead of having the sx done. I see many families break up because people change something, or to be more specific "become different". That included weightless, substance abuse, sports, other hobbies. Anytime you make a big change in life you risk your relationship.

I certainly hope you get everything straightened out and that things will work out the way you want them. Eighter way, make the best of it for yourself.

I have to agree with the fact one poster brought up that there is always a double standard. When a guy leaves his wife he is a low down SOB, before anyone even listens to why he left. If a lady does the same thing, even if she leaves her husband for a new guy, then many times you hear go team go girl. Thats just the way it is.

Definitely was not the case in my divorce. I was the one who left and the fallout both in my family and with people we knew was huge...after all, he didn't beat me or cheat on me, so what was the problem? Yeah, men get called a jerk and the like when they leave, but its still relatively expected. As a woman, if you leave, there is something mentally or emotionally wrong with you unless he was a lying, cheating SOB or a wife beater. If he is none of those things, then you are pretty much expected to stay whether you are slowly dying inside or not. Sometimes people just are not meant to be together, and you don't discover the courage to do anything about the inner misery until something else in your life helps you find the strength.

Trust me, women do not get a "go girl go" if they leave, or at least not in the broad generality painted here. Or at least I didn't. In my experience, men get judged harshly at first, but eventually forgiven for it, because after all, they are men. But as a woman, you get the harsh judgement and some never forgive you for having the audacity to save yourself just because the bruises were not visible to the naked eye.

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Definitely was not the case in my divorce. I was the one who left and the fallout both in my family and with people we knew was huge...after all, he didn't beat me or cheat on me, so what was the problem? Yeah, men get called a jerk and the like when they leave, but its still relatively expected. As a woman, if you leave, there is something mentally or emotionally wrong with you unless he was a lying, cheating SOB or a wife beater. If he is none of those things, then you are pretty much expected to stay whether you are slowly dying inside or not. Sometimes people just are not meant to be together, and you don't discover the courage to do anything about the inner misery until something else in your life helps you find the strength.

Trust me, women do not get a "go girl go" if they leave, or at least not in the broad generality painted here. Or at least I didn't. In my experience, men get judged harshly at first, but eventually forgiven for it, because after all, they are men. But as a woman, you get the harsh judgement and some never forgive you for having the audacity to save yourself just because the bruises were not visible to the naked eye.

That hasn't been what I've seen. The divorcing women I have known have almost always been viewed as :saint:, at least to their face, no matter how obvious it is that it wasn't all his fault.

I learned the hard way that one of the unwritten rules about getting along in the world is that you NEVER tell a woman that you would have to hear her ex-husband's side of the story! It is more acceptable to say the converse to a man.

There have been plenty of couples where I, or others, did not know or understand why they split (not necessarily divorced) but I wasn't in any of those relationships.

Oh, yeah, I've heard or read about plenty of women who said, "I got dragged through the mud and he came out smelling like a rose." Maybe you got dragged through the mud, but he DID NOT, believe me, come out smelling like a rose.

Now back on topic - relationship change after massive weight loss.

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any drastic change can make a marriage fall apart

mybe he was over weight in teen years and did not have a normal dating life and now he wants to have what he missed

this is sad but maybe op needs to go on with her life, if he decides later that he is growing up then perhaps going through a dating period would let her decide

if you marry under false pretenses and live all that time using your partner doesn't make you all that good in my opionion

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Specializes in Med/Surg.

I don't know anything about what you're going through I just wanted to say that I am sorry. This must be very difficult for you.

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