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I remember the first time I had visible bruises on my arms, neck, and chest. I tried my best to hide them with long sleeves, even in the summer months. I made excuses. I told people I fell or bumped into a doorframe. I came up with any story that would keep people from asking for details.
You might be thinking, "But, she's a nurse, she knows better." Well, even as a nurse, I had the normal "victim" dialogue in my head. I worried that I provoked him or maybe even deserve the abuse. I feared that he would take my kids or convince our families and friends that I was the problem. I would have these conversations with myself late at night and know deep down that it wasn't true, but many times it was just easier to take the abuse than to create a plan to leave.
Today, almost seven years since I've been in that abusive relationship, I'm healthy and happy. This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - a time to talk about this challenging subject and remind others that there are countless victims and survivors around each of us in our personal and professional lives.
What is Domestic Violence
According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, domestic violence (also called domestic abuse, relationship abuse, or intimate partner violence) is a pattern of behaviors used by a partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. These behaviors may cause fear, physical harm, or force the victim to comply with things they don't want to do.
It isn't only physical. Domestic violence can be sexual, verbal, emotional, or economic. It might also be any combination of these types of abuse.
Why does it happen?
Getting into the mind of an abuser is difficult. But, research has shown that domestic violence typically starts with a desire to control an intimate partner. The abuser often feels that they have the right to control their partner and that they need to be in power. They may make their partner feel that they are not worthy of other relationships, aren't valuable, or deserving of respect.
It's important to know that abuse is a choice. No matter if it is a learned behavior from other relationships or childhood - abuse is not okay. It's a choice made by the abuser. It's never the victim's fault, even though they may tell themselves that it is.
Who Can be a Victim?
Domestic violence doesn't discriminate. It can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, economic status, education, or any other factor. It can be a confusing time for the victim. They might question if they are doing something to deserve the abuse. They may feel responsible for angering the abuser. It's important to know that abuse is never acceptable, regardless of what the abuser may be going through.
Common Warning Signs
Nurses have a legal and professional duty to report possible abuse. Here are a few signs that your patient might be a domestic violence victim:
Because many of these signs can be related to other, legitimate injuries, it's crucial that you ensure you obtain more information from the possible victim. Be aware that when you begin asking questions, they might become defensive. Remain calm and non-judgemental as you discuss your concerns with your patient.
Questions to Ask
As you begin building a trusting relationship with your patient, it's essential that you start asking questions that can help you gauge what's going on in their personal life. Below are a few questions that you can use. These questions range from broad to direct.
Speaking to possible victims of intimate partner abuse can be uncomfortable. You might not want to offend them. You may worry that you're wrong. But, not asking could leave your patient in an unsafe situation. You can also provide them the hotline number to call at another time when they are safe and away from the abuser - 1-800-799-7233.
Are you a domestic violence survivor? If so, what advice would you give to nurses who might care for someone they feel is in an abusive relationship? Have you ever helped a patient to get out of a bad relationship? Share your experience with domestic violence in the comments below.
About Melissa Mills, BSN
Melissa is a Quality Assurance Nurse, professor, writer, and business owner. She has been a nurse for over 20 years and enjoys combining her nursing knowledge and passion for the written word. You can see more of her work at www.melissamills.net or on her blog at www.lifeafterforty.blog.
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