I recently just graduated from nursing school August 2011. I started my first nursing job in the hospital pretty much 2 weeks after graduating. I struggled through nursing school, as I'm sure everyone has, and the first couple of months, heck even now, working at the hospital is occasionally a struggle as well. And as I've been working I had an epiphany.
I don't want to be a nurse. I have struggled with coming to terms with this fact throughout all of nursing school and the more I delve into this nursing career, the more I realize that this might not be the job for me. All throughout nursing school, I literally hated my life. I did not look forward to much of anything, not even clinicals (which is supposed to be the part of nursing school that you like - isn't it?), but I brushed it off and focused on the light at the end of the tunnel; that one day I'll graduate and won't have to study for tests and work on care plans into the night.
Then I graduated, passed my HESI, passed my NCLEX, and got a job all within a few weeks time. I was super excited for this new chapter. Nursing wasn't going to be so bad now that I don't have to study for tests, I can just work and I'll be okay, right? And I was. For a while. But the longer I worked, the more I realized how unhappy I am with this career. Nursing is challenging and also rewarding. But let me repeat, very challenging. I hate working at the hospital. 12 hour shifts will be the death of me. But the fact that I'm only required to work 3 days a week? I can suffer through those shifts, I guess. And the fact that I learn so much from the hospital/get good experience are my 2 reasons why I suffer through all that. But the fact of the matter is, I'm just not happy. I know that everyone says the first year is the hardest, but this is so much more than that "first year hump".
Nursing is a terrifyingly amazing career. So much so, that I know that this is not for me. The responsibility of being a nurse terrifies me. Someone's life is in my hands. And it scares me that there are some things that I don't know that I don't know that could make all the difference for someone. I take my job very seriously and try my hardest to give the very best care I can. But I don't want to spend my life settling for something that doesn't make me happy.
I'm sure you're wondering, why did you decide to become a nurse in the first place then? Honestly? Because I wasn't too sure what else to do. I'm filipino, so hopefully that kind of helps you understand why I went into nursing. I mean, I had other reasons too, like I wanted to help people and I wanted to be able to take care of my parents when they got older. But I can't really say I've had a moment that inspired me into becoming a nurse. It just happened.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I don't want anyone to think that I'm an awful person for not wanting to be a nurse. Because despite knowing that this is my life and I need to do what makes me happy, I feel like an awful person for not wanting to be a nurse.
Advice? Comments? Thoughts?