SuchIsLife...much of what you and others on here wrote I too have experienced...the dream job offer only to screw it up because of anxiety, depression, rumination...I have tried, for YEARS, to control my thoughts, "think happy", taking over the counter herbs, exercise, eat right - you name it. The fact is, for some of us, the TRUE clinical depression is not something we can think, pray, eat or exercise our way out of. I know the stats on meds, I also personally know people who have gone on them and their lives have been returned to them. For me, this weekend, was it. I am 2 months behind on my mortgage, I shower but that's it - no hair done, no make-up, I wear the same clothes over and over again though I do wash them, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is an effort - to get up, to bathe, to get to the store so there is something in the house to eat, I care about almost nothing...I have basically ruined more opportunities professionally that I can recall, have job hopped to the point there is no hopping anymore, I have no friends and like some on here don't have much to do w/family - for no reason than just the thought of getting in the car to do somewhere exhausts me. I can't sleep, I stay anxious but I stay exhausted - like you I feel isolated and like an outcast. I wasn't always like this...lots of "life" happened in the past 8-9 years and while I always struggle w/anxiety and depression these events - especially one in 2009 - increased the downward slide. It's not like one day you are ok and the next you aren't - clinical depression is an insidious disease, it robs you of everything - self esteem included - in a way that you don't really notice at first - like a GI bleed.
For me, there is no other option but medication. I know that now. I have a BSN, have been a nurse for 22 yrs and am a few classes shy of a Masters...and where will I be working? Part time at a flu clinic just to have money coming in. My depression had effected my marriage, every single part of my existence - which is no way to live. Monday I am calling my primary doc because I know I can get in fast to see him and get on something...I am calling a psych and a therapist too - these people, the therapy and the medication, are for me, the last hope before I simply STOP functioning at all. Depression/anxiety runs in my family so I know there is a genetic component. I realize nothing - not my personal or professional life - is going to turn around until I get stable or at least enough self esteem and worth to value myself enough to try to save myself from falling. My spouse can't help me - be has tried - it's up to me - just as it's up to you. I don't care what anyone thinks about medication, like I said, I've seen first hand what it can do for people - side effects? I'm sure there are going to be some but can the side effects be any worse than foreclosure? Lying in bed all day feeling overwhelmed by blackness? I don't think so. I hope you are able to find some relief. I really do. Good luck friend.