Izzy21

So it's been a while since my last post, but here it goes. As stated above, this is an update to past posts but basically I ended up quitting my last nursing job I think mid-December 2021. I was having unbelievable stress, anxiety, panic attacks, depression and si. It has been an ongoing issues for years, since teenage years really. Anytime any stressful event appears in my life or fears of failure appear I feel like I lose control of myself. I hid it very well for years from my family, my BF was the only one to figure things out and seem to understand and try to support me as much as he can. However after working in LTC for 4.5 years I decided to quit and look for hospital position due to pressure from people around me (family, other nurse colleagues) saying that's the only job worth having. I wasn't necessarily happy in my LTC position, but I was familiar and having less "episodes" there than when I moved to hospital position 2-3 months after quitting LTC, though the amount of episodes even then was still quite a few and quite heavy. Before accepting the hospital position my BF's mother was dx with cancer, literally the day she got the dx about 2 minutes later I got the call for the job offer and told them I would need to call them back as I was dealing with an emergency. I think it was a Friday so I had the weekend to consider it. Even before accepting the position I was torn because now here I was in a somewhat already known but hidden terrible state, and here my BF's family was in a new terrible state (just him, mom and few siblings but the siblings were not in good standing with her for personal reasons and lived somewhat further away though not out of state). I would visit my BF in MD as much as I could since I lived in NJ, but I knew with the new dx things would be much harder now and I was torn as to what I should do. I wanted to stay and support them and help take care of her as I knew she would possibly decline quickly and need a lot of help. My BF and I both discussed it but he wanted me to do what he and I both thought was best for me at the time and take the hospital position so I did. That ended up being a huge mistake as the job alone brought me to a state in my depression and mental health that I had never been in, and then the added stress of increasing my visits to MD to not only be with my BF but also help him and his mother with the new dx and just day to day care and handling of medical aspects (appointments, emergency visits if I was there, picc dressings, foley maintenance, etc). It was like I was never having any break. Finally I ended up taking LOA from the hospital position due to my mental health concerns but also to continue to be in MD as much as I could to help my BF even though he was so worried for me and insisted I take care of me. I did try initially to see a general practitioner to get things going for my depression and anxiety, but when it came to seeing psych I still just had so many fears like what if whatever I say isn't really private and gets back to the BON and I have complications with my license? I know I left nursing for now but I always thought I'd maybe hopefully eventually come back mostly because it is the only education I have and was so hard and financially draining to obtain. So I focused on MD to keep my mind off me and it seemed to work for a time. I was focused on my BF and his mother, until finally his siblings made their peace with their mother and started to pitch in as well. I felt some relief and thought OK now I can spend some more time with my BF and perhaps even muster up the courage to seek real professional help for my issues. That was about a year in already at that point and unfortunately that's when my mom in NJ had a fall from a step stool and broke her elbow pretty badly. Next thing I knew I was back and forth from MD to NJ heavily again (prior to this I was spending most of my time in MD to help my BF and his family) to help my family with now my moms broken elbow and radius. She was so depressed feeling like suddenly there was so much she could not do and even after surgery she struggled emotionally with not seeing instant progress. So here I was again putting my mental health on hold to help my family. As things finally started to get better with my moms condition and settle down, suddenly my dad went for a general checkup (his first in many many years) and shortly thereafter was himself dx with cancer about 5-6 months after my mom's broken elbow incident. So here I am about 2 years 2 months later after quitting my nursing job having made little to no progress with my mental health I feel, though I will say the episodes have been very few with longer spans between episodes and shorter durations of the episodes. Luckily my brother has been a little help with my parents, but he is very busy with work he always says so not much. Though I now find myself spending most of my time again in MD as my mom is doing almost 100% again and is willing to help my dad as he is still in good shape as well despite the cancer (though he has lost a considerable amount of weight and is himself depressed now too it seems). My BF wants me to make the move to MD official since I spend almost all of my time here with him and his family. I want to, but am very afraid of what that means for my career which is now causing my anxiety and panic attacks to start up again. It's not that I do not want to make the move official; I've actually wanted to do this for a long time so I can be where I've always wanted to be since about my 2nd year in the LTC facility but just so many things always seemed to get in the way including career and my mental health. But so anyways here I am preparing myself for the move, but on the list of things causing me anxiety are: how do I endorse my NJ nursing license to MD nursing license as this can be confusing due to compact and non compact states it just all confuses me; how do I account for the 2 year (perhaps by the time I start applying to positions here in MD 3 years) lapse in time on my resume with no work (or do I just fill in these years with "family care obligations”); will any other nursing facility even give me a second glance after seeing I have been out of the field for 3 years or am I just kidding myself and have essentially thrown my career in the toilet; do I even want to go back to nursing to give it another shot maybe at another LTC in MD (definitely not hospital) or will this just cause me to have even more panic attacks again and just bring me to my knees once more making me feel like a failure all over again; how do I find an LTC position here when there are no jobs posted on their sites other than CNA/GNA positions (do I just go in person and ask for an application and hand in a resume that may not be adequate due to the 2-3 year hiatus from nursing and work in general other than taking care of my family); do I wait to even consider nursing again until I finally muster up the courage and actually try to see psych for my mental health complications; just so many things causing my anxiety level to hit the roof and me to have panic attacks again. Last night I had an episode, largest and longest I've had since quitting my last nursing job 2 years ago. My head was pounding, stomach aching and burning and causing vomiting until there was nothing left, I tried so hard to keep my hands still but I was shaking uncontrollably and I was also trying to prevent my hands from potentially hurting myself (hair pulling or scratching etc) which I was able to avoid with the help of my BF holding me until I cried myself to sleep for a while. I know I want to be in MD, but I am concerned about my career. What happens if I take even more time off to first try to address my psych issues finally and how much more time off can I really afford? These are all things weighing on me, causing distress. My BF insists I can take time off still if I need to and he can handle the burden of providing for now especially since I still have a decent amount in savings and can help up every now and then if things come up short. My BF wants me to finally take the time to focus on myself since my previous "focus on me" time just kept getting interrupted by mishaps of life. I am so afraid though that by the time I get myself sorted out with psych (if I can even really ever be sorted out and "better", who know) will it be too late to try to jump back into nursing. So yeah, that's where I am at in my story, still full of anxieties, still capable of having such heavy panic attacks it seems, maybe depressed at the idea of where my life goes from here, and apparently occasional si still from time to time though that has lessened tremendously since spending most of my time in MD. I want help, I am afraid to get it and afraid how much time it will take for me to get better if ever and by then it will be too late to return to nursing if that's what I choose to do.

I apologize for the very late response. I had to step away it felt like from most things, everything, for a while as I was trying to understand what was happening and why. I will do a full update but basically right now I take it day by day. Some days are good, others are bad still and some are really really bad. I have been out of the nursing field for I think about 2 years now (give or take a month or two). Initially I took the time off for me feeling just so burnt out and as my previous post stated depressed. I was also helping my bf with his mothers new cancer dx (more on this in my full update but part of what stressed me during my last job I think was going back and forth between MD and NJ to help with things; ironically the day we got the dx was also the day I received the job offer, literally we got the dx and maybe 2 minutes later I got a call with the offer and was so torn even at the beginning of what to do now due to the new dx and knowing the amount of time I would be spending in MD as well). Not too long after that unfortunately, within a year I think, my mother had a fall off a step ladder and broke her elbow, so then there was a lot of my time also going into helping there. And to top it all off within the last 6 months I think my dad also got a cancer dx. It's like every time one thing seemed to be settled another would arise. However my bf siblings and my sibling have stepped up a bit in helping to handle more in the loads, so that helps. I have been spending a majority of my time it feels in MD and I am about ready to make an official move soon. However I know I will have to start working again soon after the move at least and am a bit concerned about many things. Main concerns are how I will explain the 2 or almost 3 year lapse in my resume, how I should format that to not draw any red flags to potential employers and to still get a fair shot. I am concerned if I will even be able to get another nursing position with such a lapse in resume or if I have basically fully ended my nursing career. I am concerned that if I do go back to nursing will I be able to handle it or will the stress, anxiety, and depression seep back in and cause me to have to step away again. I am also concerned about the process of endorsing my nursing license from NJ to MD because honestly that can get very confusing sometimes especially with the whole of idea of compact states and whatnot. I feel myself filling with anxieties again over my potential worth in the field and what I will do. I am trying to keep positive but such a lapse worries me even though it was for legitimate reasons. My bf tries to assure me saying I have experience and that doesn't just go away, and he says I will be able to find a job still with nurses being such high demand but IDK. Anyways as I said full update will be posted but that's how I am doing: good and bad times, currently filling with fears and anxieties about my current situation. Hoping things will go better soon.

Update to me quitting my last nursing job after about 4 months on the job and 1.5 months LOA after which I could not return due to such high anxieties. I have been struggling quietly with depression/anxiety for at least 16-17 years now. I quit my subacute/LTC job of about 4.5 years around March 2021 and started a hospital med/surg job in July 2021 which I then quit in January 2022. At first it felt great, what a relief, so freeing to just admit to my family I am in no state to be pushing myself in a toxic field that has just jaded me and broken me down even further along with my already problematic depression/anxiety. I am now feeling the stresses though of what am I going to do? Do I just stay out of nursing all together? Do I go back? Do I move to MD to be with my significant other or does he move to NJ to be with me (both of us not in any good state when it comes to work). How will I pay for living expenses if I don't go back to nursing? Do I just pretend I am okay and keep going until I finally fully snap and am just gone? How do I afford to live in a society that is all about money now and never about just people? Do I just give up? Do I keep putting more financial burden on my family who wants me there in NJ with them but to their financial detriment if I decide to be in NJ with my BF? Do I just give in to this world? I am so broken, I am so fed up, I want to give up. I don't even know if I believe in so called "help" anymore. "Help" has to be paid for out of pocket unless you just want to lose your nursing license or job anyways...but let's say even if I don't go back into nursing now with no insurance, no job, nothing what else is there to do? There is no such thing as "help" it seems in this society anymore.

I spoke with my nurse manager, did not give too much information as to why I was resigning but just that I am going through a difficult time right now that requires I resign from my position effective immediately. He seemed very understanding. Sent off my resignation letter. Spoke with HR as well to see what other things I may need to send off if required. I guess the good thing about the system I worked for is they do not have a "do not rehire" penalty which is good in case anything ever changes for me in the future. At this point I can't even imagine ever going back, but who knows. Maybe not a hospital setting, but something different, less stressful. But at this point it is all stressful and nursing has just been too tarnished for me to even consider going back to any of it at this point. It is scary leaving like this without a clear path, but the only thing I know for sure at this point is I want to get better and I need to finally stop pushing for what other people want from me and focus on my health first so that's what I am going to do. Again, it is very scary, but I know I need to do this finally because it's pretty much just a breaking point and is now or never. And I also thank you for previously taking the time to post about your experience and struggles. It was so hard for me going through this for so long, and then going into nursing with this burden thinking or feeling like I was just so alone in any of this because there was no way any other nurse could ever feel like this or let it get to this point. I know the whole thing about new nurses having a hard time at first because of the shock of going from theory to practice, but once you've gone through it for some time and just hated it each time and get to this point, you begin to question everything and it seeps into other aspects of life that destroys all confidence. But again, just reading a few different people's experiences here has truly given me some strength to do what I needed to do finally. Thank you.

I am in a very similar situation. I've had problems with anxiety/depression since I was a teenager, but never really acknowledged it by getting help because it is such a shameful thing. I remember telling my mom about it once when I was a teenager, telling her that somedays I just wish I were dead, and she just basically responded with, "well that's ridiculous." So from there I just continued to hide it. Through all those years, I cried in my room alone, I broke things and banged my head on walls and tried to find other ways to get out my frustrations because I was alone. I hid everything very well though for years. Got through nursing school and got my BSN, my license; worked in a LTC/subacute nursing facility for 4.5 years before giving my 4 weeks notice. I took a few months off (about 2 or 3 months) to try to relax and figure out if nursing was even something I ever really wanted to do. But during this time I just kept hearing from other nursing friends and family that I needed to hurry up and step on it and get into a good hospital job while I could because the more time out of the field the less likely I am to be able to get back into it. So I did what I was supposed to, I took a nursing job in a very good hospital part of a very large system in my area on an ortho/neuro (stroke/seizure) unit. Every day of orientation was hell for me. I kept wishing someone someday would come to me and tell me I unfortunately didn't make the cut so the nightmare could finally be over. Every day had me questioning if I really wanted to even wake up at all the next day and when I did I'd start to cry. I passed orientation while putting up a front that I am okay, nobody knew. Then 5 months into the job I finally cracked. I was physically unable to do anything good for myself anymore, I would call out of work due to extreme panic attacks. I kept thinking somedays that I would walk into their ER for treatment because the SI became that strong and I was so afraid. I took LOA for about 7 weeks, heavenly for me to just have time to relax and focus on me again. I told my family finally the truth, let them know how broken I really am and how much I hate the job and nursing in general, they seem more understanding this time around. But now LOA is about over (I am expected back Tuesday night which is tomorrow) but I don't think I can even make it through for a 2 week notice, let alone 4 weeks. My boss said he would call in the morning today to discuss putting me back on the schedule, but I am on the edge. I am most likely just going to quit without proper notice because the thought of going back has had me physically ill this past week. I've been having extreme panic attacks again, crying, screaming again and lashing out at my BF who only wants to try to help me, I've been throwing up and having extreme burning pain in my abdomen, heavy chest pain/tightness, body aches and pains in my shoulders, back, hip, terrible headaches. I hate to admit being a failure but essentially that's what I feel like. And yes the SI has been very strong this past week especially, and me wishing I could just fall asleep and natural causes would just take me. Why is nursing this way? Why are hospitals and facilities so okay with overworking and overusing their staff to the point of mental breakdowns. As long as they continue making their millions I guess, who cares about the little worker ants. But writer, just know you are not alone and even knowing I am not fully alone in feeling how I feel kind of helps in a way. I am so sorry you are going through very similar struggles though.

This is somewhat a continuation of my previous post here. Summary: I've worked in LTC/subacute nursing for about 4.5 years, quit with 4 weeks notice and took a few months off to try to focus on myself and heal from what felt like already complete hate for the field. But of course with all the time we put into being nurses, into getting that BSN and the license, it just seemed I needed to go into nursing again somewhere. All the pressure of other nursing friends and family telling me to go into hospital nursing because apparently that's the only part of nursing that actually matters or is worth it, I finally caved. I took a position at what is considered a very good hospital in my area (part of a very large system in my area), an ortho/neuro (stroke/seizure) unit but has also integrated a lot of bariatric/obgyn post ops due to covid. I suffered tremendously through orientation, every day coming home almost wishing I would just fail out of the orientation rather than have to keep going back the next day. But I made it through orientation (2 months since I had past experience) and worked there for a total 5 months. Each day is excruciating. Each day, even what I consider the "good days" on the floor, I would still come home hating it. I have struggled with what I guess can only be described as depression/anxiety ever since I was a teenager basically, but never addressed it previously because it was just considered shameful and of course I had many high expectations from everyone around me, no time to be anything but a "high successful professional." But after 5 months on this job I finally broke. I found myself every day coming home, slinking into my room alone, hiding in my bed all day on my days off, barely eating or drinking or doing basic hygiene like showering. I was doing nothing but crying whenever I wasn't in the hospital, screaming and breaking things because I just don't know what else to do, physically beating my head on walls and have considered worse. I know this isn't just normal getting used to the job behavior, I hate that I can't handle it. Even now this feels so shameful, I am a failure and hate admitting it of course but I am. After 5 months of putting on an act whenever I was around other people (everyone except my BF who was the only one to know what was going on) I finally broke down to my brother and begged for help. I started missing shifts due to panic attacks that I could no longer just push down and control, so I took a LOA for about 7 weeks. I felt unbelievably better, not perfect because the job isn't the main issue of course, just an extreme stressor to an already broken person. But not having to think of the people, the system, the fear of possibly losing it while in shift which would be so much worse, taking time to just relax and breathe and try to look for professional help and just not be there helped. Now LOA is over and I am expected back on Tuesday. This past week has been nothing but episode upon episode again, extreme panic attacks, physical symptoms such as vomiting, burning pain in my stomach, aches and pains in my shoulders and back and hip, insomnia, chest pain/tightness, when I think of going back I can't stop crying and shaking, like my whole body shuts down. I thought to myself that maybe I could just go back at least to just put in a resignation but even that has me unable to move. I find myself on the verge of quitting my job on the spot when my boss calls me (said he would call in the morning to discuss putting me back on the schedule) and maybe even just quitting nursing all around. Problem is if I do then I don't know what else I would do, what can my broken body and mind handle. My BF keeps assuring me that I will be fine, I have a very decent savings and very low expense living situation-wise right now that I can take time to figure out myself and get real help according to him. But regardless I just can't stop feeling like a complete failure, a disappointment, just nothing who wonders sometimes why I am even here. Leaving a job without notice, leaving a profession that has brought me to the point of physical illness, unclear on what I will do next to survive. I am just broken, I just don't see the point anymore sometimes to any of it, but nobody seems to ever really be able to help, and I can't make it better. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to make it better. I hate myself for getting to this point, I am so ashamed. I just wish I knew what I could do to survive in this world.

So here I am about 4.5 months into a new hospital nursing job. Background: I've done subacute/LTC setting about 4.5 years, left with 1 months notice and took about 2-3 months off after to just try to cope and relax, then got hired in the hospital setting where I am now. I kept thinking to myself if I can just stay for a few months at least and then transfer down to MD where my friends and BF are I can be a bit more stable. Now I think I just made a huge mistake and should've just started out in MD to begin with and maybe not even in a hospital setting or maybe just not full time or IDK maybe have taken more time off to really acknowledge what was going on already inside of me for so many years. I've been struggling with some forms of depression I guess one could say, I've never actually seen anyone for it or ever even really acknowledged it because I always thought it was just so shameful especially for a nurse. I mean a nurse, we help people, we fix people, we aren't supposed to be the broken ones right? But I have been for so long, to the point where it truly has scared me deeply. I get such high anxiety somedays where I start to hyperventilate and feel some chest pressure (not necessarily pain but just tight and almost feels like my lungs can't expand because my chest suddenly shrunk too small). Usually I was always able to eventually push down the feelings on "work days," at least enough to crawl out of bed and get ready for work with a good face on, one where no one can or will know what I am really going through. Because I never wanted anyone to know, I just felt and even now still feel so ashamed admitting any of this finally. But lately, the stress of the job and many other life stressors have been accumulating more and more, I've been finding myself unable to get out of bed on my non-work days, I will go on for days not eating only to finally binge eat to the point of physical illness another day. And I am not saying it's all the job, the job itself is stressful, but I feel it's more just myself and never having dealt with any of these issues/feelings and learning how to cope with any of it or even admit any of it before that is really the problem. But yesterday night it finally caught up to me. I was in my room on a work day crying all day for no other reason than I am tired, I am stressed, and I am not necessarily feeling in control of anything anymore. I thought like any other "work day" that I would eventually be able to stop crying and go in like nothing was wrong. But there I was putting on my uniform still crying, still breaking things in my room, going through what felt like an almost extreme manic state. And then there I was standing in my completely destroyed room, grabbing my stethoscope and my bag thinking "well on the drive down for sure I will pull my *** together." And then there I was in the car with 40 minutes to go before my shift, driving down a regular street to get there, when suddenly I started having that panic attack. I started hyperventilating, crying nonstop again, felt that chest pressure, and sudden nausea that eventually turned to vomit (luckily a plastic bag in my car at the time that at least saved my car). Finally acknowledging at this point that I could not go into work like this I tried to at least stop hyperventilating and crying long enough to call the staffing office, but of course my body couldn't even do this for me. So there I was on the phone with a woman from staffing, me hyperventilating and sobbing, apologizing profusely for calling out so last minute with an emergency, and she asking if I was okay and if I needed medical attention or something. I didn't exactly know how to respond to that question, so I just kept repeating "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Came home and finally spoke to some family about what I've been going through, all the mental health issues I've been ignoring for so long. And here I am with another shift scheduled for tonight, have still been unable to sleep since yesterday and yes have still been on and off crying/hyperventilating throughout the night sincerely considering going to the ER unsure what they would be able to do for me though. Here I am, shift in less than 12 hours, considering calling my manager and asking for an emergency leave of absence and if it cannot be granted then just quitting without notice. This gives me other anxieties, of course burning such a huge bridge would not be ideal. I am just unsure how I let it get this far, why I let it get this far, and yes still 100% ashamed of my faults and failures in all of this.

Hey Dani_Mila, actually I am not really faring that well. I am basically about to quit today if I cannot get an emergency leave of absence, which would put me in the "quitting without notice" bucket and put me back about 4.5 months so far that I've about put in. But I am just so mentally and emotionally gone, I just don't think I can take anymore but I just don't know exactly how to quit too. I am scared to burn my bridges here because overall it is a decent hospital. It's just the stress and my already fragile mental health to begin with that I've never actually acknowledged before. I am unsure at this point what to do about it or how to fix this hole I've created for myself. I just feel so bad because I feel like I've wasted my time and of course the time of the hospital/company because again overall not a bad hospital just bad stress and just internal battles I've never actually dealt with either. I am very conflicted and unclear on how I should proceed.

Hello everyone, this is my first time ever on allnurses.com so please bear with me as I really hope I am doing this right. So a little background on myself and my situation: I graduated nursing school in NJ in 2016 with my BSN. I've worked as a nurse for 4.5 years in a subacute/LTC setting with multiple roles (rose from staff nurse to charge nurse to facility nursing supervisor for evenings; was offered unit manager position for 2 units but turned it down), but I have recently broken out of my comfort zone finally to move into an acute care setting hospital. It's something I've always wanted to do, but would always reason myself out of it. Now the deed is done, I start my new job in an acute care setting hospital within a month. However, I do have a serious relationship in Maryland and so was considering a move down to Maryland after ~ 6 months to 1 year of experience in my new setting. I guess my questions are the following: 1. Is it okay to quit a job so soon and go for another job within that time frame, or is it just professional suicide? 2. I am looking to be around the Bel Air, MD area hopefully (wouldn't want to commute more than ~ 45 minutes), so what kind of average salary am I looking at (I understand there would be a difference between NJ and MD of course, but I am just wondering how high the difference is so I can get a more realistic idea of what kind of apartment rental ranges to be looking at)? 3. Anyone from the area: which hospitals seem to have the highest nurse satisfaction rate with their workplace? Salary is important of course, but it is just as important or more so to me that I end up somewhere I can continue to learn and grow and have a great supportive team. I understand no place is perfect, I just don't want to make a huge mistake and end up in hell, so anyone with any advice on how their workplace is please I am all ears. Any input from nurses in the area would be so greatly appreciated. I've been researching extensively on the subject as well already, but with regards to salary I am getting such huge ranges online and I'm not sure if maybe it's because some of them are just so out of date or if that's really the difference between NJ and MD? So any updated real time information would be so helpful and appreciated. Again I hope I am doing this right as this is my first time ever on allnurses.com, but if not please let me know so I can tweak for any future inquiries I may have. And again thank you all so much for any information, advice, or guidance to come.