Mental Breakdown

[Izzy21]

So here I am about 4.5 months into a new hospital nursing job. Background: I've done subacute/LTC setting about 4.5 years, left with 1 months notice and took about 2-3 months off after to just try to cope and relax, then got hired in the hospital setting where I am now. I kept thinking to myself if I can just stay for a few months at least and then transfer down to MD where my friends and BF are I can be a bit more stable. Now I think I just made a huge mistake and should've just started out in MD to begin with and maybe not even in a hospital setting or maybe just not full time or IDK maybe have taken more time off to really acknowledge what was going on already inside of me for so many years. I've been struggling with some forms of depression I guess one could say, I've never actually seen anyone for it or ever even really acknowledged it because I always thought it was just so shameful especially for a nurse. I mean a nurse, we help people, we fix people, we aren't supposed to be the broken ones right? But I have been for so long, to the point where it truly has scared me deeply. I get such high anxiety somedays where I start to hyperventilate and feel some chest pressure (not necessarily pain but just tight and almost feels like my lungs can't expand because my chest suddenly shrunk too small). Usually I was always able to eventually push down the feelings on "work days," at least enough to crawl out of bed and get ready for work with a good face on, one where no one can or will know what I am really going through. Because I never wanted anyone to know, I just felt and even now still feel so ashamed admitting any of this finally. But lately, the stress of the job and many other life stressors have been accumulating more and more, I've been finding myself unable to get out of bed on my non-work days, I will go on for days not eating only to finally binge eat to the point of physical illness another day. And I am not saying it's all the job, the job itself is stressful, but I feel it's more just myself and never having dealt with any of these issues/feelings and learning how to cope with any of it or even admit any of it before that is really the problem. But yesterday night it finally caught up to me. I was in my room on a work day crying all day for no other reason than I am tired, I am stressed, and I am not necessarily feeling  in control of anything anymore. I thought like any other "work day" that I would eventually be able to stop crying and go in like nothing was wrong. But there I was putting on my uniform still crying, still breaking things in my room, going through what felt like an almost extreme manic state. And then there I was standing in my completely destroyed room, grabbing my stethoscope and my bag thinking "well on the drive down for sure I will pull my *** together." And then there I was in the car with 40 minutes to go before my shift, driving down a regular street to get there, when suddenly I started having that panic attack. I started hyperventilating, crying nonstop again, felt that chest pressure, and sudden nausea that eventually turned to vomit (luckily a plastic bag in my car at the time that at least saved my car). Finally acknowledging at this point that I could not go into work like this I tried to at least stop hyperventilating and crying long enough to call the staffing office, but of course my body couldn't even do this for me. So there I was on the phone with a woman from staffing, me hyperventilating and sobbing, apologizing profusely for calling out so last minute with an emergency, and she asking if I was okay and if I needed medical attention or something. I didn't exactly know how to respond to that question, so I just kept repeating "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Came home and finally spoke to some family about what I've been going through, all the mental health issues I've been ignoring for so long. And here I am with another shift scheduled for tonight, have still been unable to sleep since yesterday and yes have still been on and off crying/hyperventilating throughout the night sincerely considering going to the ER unsure what they would be able to do for me though. Here I am, shift in less than 12 hours, considering calling my manager and asking for an emergency leave of absence and if it cannot be granted then just quitting without notice. This gives me other anxieties, of course burning such a huge bridge would not be ideal. I am just unsure how I let it get this far, why I let it get this far, and yes still 100% ashamed of my faults and failures in all of this.

[Mursemick]

You are not at fault in this situation, and you have not failed.  People process stress differently, and it sounds as if you have endured more than you can handle.  It's not your fault; you didn't do this to yourself.  I strongly urge you to see your doctor and describe the symptoms you have been experiencing.  If appropriate, there are medications that can help.  A counselor may also be helpful in understanding your condition and helping find some coping mechanisms.  Good luck to you!