Mental Breakdown part 2
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This is somewhat a continuation of my previous post here. Summary: I've worked in LTC/subacute nursing for about 4.5 years, quit with 4 weeks notice and took a few months off to try to focus on myself and heal from what felt like already complete hate for the field. But of course with all the time we put into being nurses, into getting that BSN and the license, it just seemed I needed to go into nursing again somewhere. All the pressure of other nursing friends and family telling me to go into hospital nursing because apparently that's the only part of nursing that actually matters or is worth it, I finally caved. I took a position at what is considered a very good hospital in my area (part of a very large system in my area), an ortho/neuro (stroke/seizure) unit but has also integrated a lot of bariatric/obgyn post ops due to covid. I suffered tremendously through orientation, every day coming home almost wishing I would just fail out of the orientation rather than have to keep going back the next day. But I made it through orientation (2 months since I had past experience) and worked there for a total 5 months. Each day is excruciating. Each day, even what I consider the "good days" on the floor, I would still come home hating it. I have struggled with what I guess can only be described as depression/anxiety ever since I was a teenager basically, but never addressed it previously because it was just considered shameful and of course I had many high expectations from everyone around me, no time to be anything but a "high successful professional." But after 5 months on this job I finally broke. I found myself every day coming home, slinking into my room alone, hiding in my bed all day on my days off, barely eating or drinking or doing basic hygiene like showering. I was doing nothing but crying whenever I wasn't in the hospital, screaming and breaking things because I just don't know what else to do, physically beating my head on walls and have considered worse. I know this isn't just normal getting used to the job behavior, I hate that I can't handle it. Even now this feels so shameful, I am a failure and hate admitting it of course but I am. After 5 months of putting on an act whenever I was around other people (everyone except my BF who was the only one to know what was going on) I finally broke down to my brother and begged for help. I started missing shifts due to panic attacks that I could no longer just push down and control, so I took a LOA for about 7 weeks. I felt unbelievably better, not perfect because the job isn't the main issue of course, just an extreme stressor to an already broken person. But not having to think of the people, the system, the fear of possibly losing it while in shift which would be so much worse, taking time to just relax and breathe and try to look for professional help and just not be there helped. Now LOA is over and I am expected back on Tuesday. This past week has been nothing but episode upon episode again, extreme panic attacks, physical symptoms such as vomiting, burning pain in my stomach, aches and pains in my shoulders and back and hip, insomnia, chest pain/tightness, when I think of going back I can't stop crying and shaking, like my whole body shuts down. I thought to myself that maybe I could just go back at least to just put in a resignation but even that has me unable to move. I find myself on the verge of quitting my job on the spot when my boss calls me (said he would call in the morning to discuss putting me back on the schedule) and maybe even just quitting nursing all around. Problem is if I do then I don't know what else I would do, what can my broken body and mind handle. My BF keeps assuring me that I will be fine, I have a very decent savings and very low expense living situation-wise right now that I can take time to figure out myself and get real help according to him. But regardless I just can't stop feeling like a complete failure, a disappointment, just nothing who wonders sometimes why I am even here. Leaving a job without notice, leaving a profession that has brought me to the point of physical illness, unclear on what I will do next to survive. I am just broken, I just don't see the point anymore sometimes to any of it, but nobody seems to ever really be able to help, and I can't make it better. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to make it better. I hate myself for getting to this point, I am so ashamed. I just wish I knew what I could do to survive in this world.