Professional Advice

**NICU Guy, BSN, RN** · Jun 13, 2018

So, no one else in your family can step up to help this family member? You are just starting out in your career and will be causing chaos in your life to make the move. You are looking at the ease of getting a job at the new location as a positive. Is there a reason why the positions were open for months without being filled (nurses don't want the position)? You are leaving a hospital and unit that you love and going to a hospital and unit that may have issues.

jbrent890 · Jun 13, 2018

There are family members that come and go, but that leaves gaps in care. In terms of the hospital, it's not bad per se, but it is an inner city hospital that cares for a low income population. There are 3 magnet level hospitals within 10 minutes of this hospital, so it's hard for this hospital to keep up. I do need to be honest though, there is a large part of me that does want to move because the city I would possibly be moving to has a lot more to offer. Yes, I do love my unit, but I'm not a huge fan of the city I'm currently in. Doesn't really have a lot to offer for someone in my position. Possibly moving would kill two birds with one stone. One, I get to be near family and provide care to the specific family member. Two, I would have somewhat more of a life in the new city since it has more to offer. Yes, I would be transitioning to a less equipped hospital, but I do feel the trade off might be worth it. Lastly, I apologize for being vague in my posts regarding specific information. I don't want to run the risk of a coworker possibly seeing this post because they do know my situation to some extent.

mimibrown, ADN, BSN · Jun 13, 2018

Since you left out a few details, I'll give my opinion on what I would do. I would stick with my current job for at least 6 months to a year. You have no idea of what the new hospital would be like or what your new coworkers would be like. You don't have a ton of experience and you could potentially wind up on an undesirable unit without a lot of options to leave. I would not leave a good unit this early in my career. And unless your family member is a nurse, they might not be aware of unit politics, dynamics, etc that effect the nursing staff.

I also think financially you would be better off staying put. From what I know about leases, they are considered a contract. If you breach the terms of the contract, usually there is a financially penalty. Given the financial issues you and your family currently face, it seems like the opposite of what is the most sensible.

It is admirable to want to help family, but I would try to get to a more secure place myself before I overhauled my whole life to be someone's care taker. You didn't say if they were going to need help indefinitely or if they have children or in-laws who could help in a pinch. Maybe there are a few more options to consider. Just my two cents.

jbrent890 · Jun 13, 2018

I really do appreciate the advice so far. Let me first say that serious decisions have not been made yet. And the decision to move will be contingent on multiple things. First, would be the ability for me to get out of my lease. If it proves to be an arduous task or if I would have to pay an inordinate amount of fees, then you're right, the smart move would be to stick it out. In addition, if I do get the job, I wouldn't be able to start for a few months. Getting a license in the area I plan to move to will take a while, possibly months. Also, if I do decide to move, I would have to give my apartment complex two months notice. So when it's all said and done, I would have around 6 months experience in. The plan if the new hospital would allow it would be to make the move towards the end of August possibly early September. Hopefully if I do decide to move, it will give me enough time to untangle myself from things where I am currently at. Also, the family member is a nurse, so she knows the unit manager and has told me what to expect if I decide to work there. I won't lie, a large part of me wants to make this move not just for the family member, but for me as well. As stated, I love my unit, but I'm not too fond of the area I'm currently in right now. Even though my life is busy bouncing back and forth between areas, I truly do have more of a life in the area where my family is situated. But still, no serious decisions will be made until I find out if it's economically feasible to get out of my lease. The point is to aid my family, not be a burden.

KelRN215, BSN, RN · Jun 13, 2018

If you can find someone who is looking for a short term lease, you can sublet your apartment. When I bought my house, I still had 3 months left on my lease. My management company sublet it for me.

If your family member has severe health issues which have put her out of work, though, presumably she can qualify for some sort of disability and Medicare or Medicaid, which would likely cover the cost of the in home services she needs. I don't necessarily think you should uproot your whole life when there are other options. Basically working full-time to care for your family member on top of working full time as a new grad nurse is going to wear you out.

brownbook · Jun 13, 2018

I am being sarcastic....why don't you drop everything, all your needs, wants, plans, desires, dreams, every time a family member needs you. I can see your future and this will be a never ending saga for you.

It is just something to think about. Moving to help your family may be the right decision for you. We don't know you, we don't know your family. Family is important.

In some cultures the worst thing you can say about someone is, "They act like they have no family", meaning they are not helping their family when they have the resources to help. I think that is a nice sentiment....but there is also a bit of enabling that goes along with that.

Enabling is not a therapeutic way to help anyone.

**NICU Guy, BSN, RN** · Jun 14, 2018

Getting out of the lease because of a move to another city, plus family health issues may be possible. The worst case scenario is paying the remainder of the lease. If you inform your landlord of your move out date, you will have to continue to pay the rent each month for the remainder of the lease. If they can find a new renter for your apartment, your lease will be terminated at that point.

llg, PhD, RN · Jun 15, 2018

It sounds to me like you really want to make the move, it's just a matter of timing. How much help does your family member really need right now and are them some other resources you can mobilize temporarily while you wait for the right time to make the move? Also, how much obligation do you really have toward this family member vs. how much are you using her troubles as an "excuse" to move? Most people would feel a greater obligation for someone like your mother ... as opposed to a distant cousin, for example.

It's probably too complicated to explain your whole situation here (and it's none of our business), but you might want to think about your obligation here -- and whether or not it is to offer temporary help -- or whether you feel you are obligated and/or ready to help and support this person forever. Because stepping in big time now may be setting you up to be her "go to" person for the rest of her life.

I have 2 brothers: 1 older and 1 younger. The older one has made poor financial decisions all his life and always needed help from our parents. Before they died, they "had a talk" with me about limiting my sense of obligations to help him after they died. They reminded me that they had given help for years and advised me to not deplete my own resources by giving him mine that he would only squander. It's been hard sometimes, to know that I have the finances to help him and his now grown kids have a better life -- and not send money. But I know by watching this play out over decades that much of any money I would send would be squandered.

On the other hand ... my younger brother has managed his money well and raised wonderful kids who are also sensible with their money. Unfortunately, due to no fault of their own, the money they had saved for college is gone. Rather than watch them face huge college expenses, I have offered to help them out a bit. I thought it through very carefully. Theirs is a specific temporary financial need that I can help with and not the result of a lifetime of bad decisions -- and will not result in a lifetime of dependence on me. (unlike the situation with my older brother) So I feel differently about this situation.

Have you really thought through the long term implications of your involvement? Are you tailoring your involvement so that you don't regret it later? Are you committing to a lifetime of caring for this relative? Or is just a temporary need that you are going to help her meet? Are you OK with that level of commitment, etc.?