A spouse that just doesn't get it.

  1. So let me start off by saying that my husband is a great guy. He would move heaven and Earth to make sure I'm happy but he just doesn't get it when it comes to school.

    He has never been to college and works in the construction world as a building inspector. When I tell him what my classes are like and how hard something is going to be he acts like I'm over reacting. For example, this semester I'm taking anatomy. My advisor and several friends that have taken the class tell me that this class at my school is hell on wheels. 3 hours of lecture, 3 hours of lab, and an average of 40-50 hours a week of studying/open lab/quizzes (which are done in the testing center on campus on your own time). Last semester an A was a 33% based off the curve. They pretty much HAVE to grade on a curve because this class is so beyond hard.

    When I told him everything about the class from the above paragraph he, and my father-in-law, both said "Well that's got to be illegal. They can't MAKE you study for 50 hours a week." ...DUH, but to get an A it's what I have to do. I don't want to just pass, I want to work my hardest and get the best possible grade I can.

    When I showed him my FOUR text books (about 800 pages each) he shrugged it off. When I tell him that he's going to have to play Mr.Mom this semester so I can really focus because to keep my GPA at a 3.8 I HAVE to get an A he acts like you'll be fine to be full time mom, full time student, full time home keeper-upper, AND keep your grades up. And yes I know, some people do that and they deserve all the credit in the world., but I just don't know if I have it in me.

    When I showed him the 120 page final review packet (that a friend gave me from a few semesters ago) he told me "I don't see what the big deal is, all you have to do is memorize something for a test and then forget it." Right, cause what I want when I'm at the hospital is a nurse that doesn't know my ears from my toes.

    So I guess to make this long story short... How would you talk to your spouse if they weren't supportive or didn't understand just how hard school can be. Classes start in just over a week and I need to convey to him that I really need some support this semester.
  2. Visit megkat profile page

    About megkat

    Joined: Jun '13; Posts: 35; Likes: 24
    Mom, Pre-Nursing Student; from US


  3. by   mjo07
    sounds like mine haha. I told him to stay up with me while I finished my homework a couple of nights in a row (during finals week of course) and then asked him to tell me during what time I should do laundry, food shop, make a food shopping list, cook, wash dishes, clean, rest etc. He got the point (he admitted he wouldn't be able to do it all either) and we worked on a schedule where we rotated chores and if I get really stressed out with school he would help me out. Or else mr.husband is staying up all night with me to study I think it is all about positive communication. I can't get angry at him for not understanding the stresses of school (especially since he knows nothing of college), but he needs to understand, period. We're partners so we need to support and educate each other.
  4. by   carefulcare
    Mine too. But they do work hard to provide. You can't be upset that he doesn't understand. He probably never will. I stopped stressing how jard I work and started showing him how appreciative I am of him. It works out better. This is your dream not his.
  5. by   SoldierNurse22
    Wow. That sucks. I'd be frustrated too, OP.

    Have you ever asked him to help you study? He may gain a new appreciation for what you're doing if he sees what you're up against.

    If he declines because he doesn't think he can help, you've got your point made right there.
  6. by   rubato
    He'll eventually get it. I am starting my 2nd semester of nursing school. My hubby didn't get it when I started my prereqs. But, my first summer, I took chemistry with lab, algebra and a health class. He got it towards the end of that semester when I had studied for 12 hours straight 3 days in a row. Then, 2 years later, I started nursing school. Hubby thought, after all my prereqs, that he had it down. BIG SHOCKER! Nursing school is a whole other beast, and we adjusted yet again. But, now he's got it and he's already planned out a month of dinners that he'll be making. I just have to shop for ingredients. He's taken over laundry and dishes and said he'll take on the rest of the house when school starts on Monday.

    I was a stay at home mom for 13 years, so you can teach an old dog (my hubby) new tricks. They just have to see it in action first.
  7. by   Carpediem1012
    Great post. I am going to have to be "educating" my DH as well. I think he will find it a difficult adjustment. Lol
  8. by   QueenAnnissa
    It is hard for anyone else to understand, especially if you are not a former college student, a current college student or in the medical field. One of the things that has bonded me to my fellow classmates is how we are all juggling life, work, family, etc., with school, they "get it". It's a tough position to have a partner who doesn't seem to understand, and it sounds like he's not opening up to it even after all of the evidence you are showing him. I like a previous posters suggestion of involving him in one of your study sessions. If you have created a study guide or flash cards, have him quiz you on the material. Show him your calendar with your school stuff, to-dos, quiz and test dates, class time & lab time, commute time, and the times you have blocked for reading/studying. Add in all of your other life events, appointments, kid stuff, etc. Write in when you go grocery shopping, other errands, etc. Maybe this visual evidence will help him see how difficult life will be during the semester, and how he'll need to support you so you can be successful. Anatomy & Physiology is an intense science course, it can be a deal-breaker for some students. Your grade in this class carries a lot of weight when applying to nursing programs. And once accepted, your instructors will expect you to have retained this information, it is referred to and dealt with repeatedly in nursing. You have to know how the body normally works to treat it when something is going wrong.
  9. by   LisalaRN99
    I think the spouses can get a little intimidated, especially if they have never been to college. Add to that the "working man's" mentality that no labor should ever be unpaid, as in studying! They don't get the concept. Try to see his point of view that he is feeling threatened that his sweet li'l housewife/mother of his children is about to leave him in the dust with her big ol' brain!! And by no means ask him about this because no man is ever going to admit to feeling threatened!! Just go with the flow! Get your studying done. Enlist the aid of your children with chores, as well as your husband. But don't whine and complain about how hard everything is, because then why are you doing it, he will think! If you think A&P is hard....just wait for nursing school!
  10. by   EaglesWings21
    Men have egos and when women threaten their manliness they get defensive. My husband would seriously live in a cave if he could. He is a very manly man! He does not respond well when I lecture him, yell at him, or "nag" him. The best way I have gotten a response out of him is giving him little reminders like Hey make sure you and the kids study spelling words tonight or It would be helpful if you cleaned up today. If laundry does not get washed he realizes he has no clean underwear/ work clothes and washes them. If the dishes pile up so much that he has nothing to eat off of he washes the dishes. He does a lot better than he used to but yelling and nagging goes nowhere in my house!
  11. by   DadStudentPerhaps
    I'm a dad, work full time, and already have one degree in an unrelated subject. I'm now knocking down pre-reqs for Nursing, while my wife is currently going back to school FT to complete her Masters and become a NP.

    Many years ago, we were dating when she was in Nursing school. Many of our dates included her studying and doing care plans at my house while I was in another room watching TV. I kind of knew way back then how tuff these Nursing classes were just by watching the many hours she spent studying and doing HW. My classes back then were nowhere near as challenging.

    Now that I'm actually taking some of the classes she did back then, I know how hard classes like A&P can be, and how much studying is required to make an "A". Lets just say that I have gained even more appreciation for what she did back then. Now that she's in school to complete her NP, I can tell you that's tough sledding as well.

    I think your husband will be able to see how hard these classes are when you get started. If not, show him these threads so he can read for himself how thousands of people agree, it takes a lot of midnight oil to pass Nursing.
  12. by   sarolaRN
    I definitely feel your pain, megkat. There is no denying that there is a LOT to remember and it's very challenging, but do you think there is any chance that your hubby is only acting like it's not much to try to either calm you down and keep you relaxed about it or may even make him feel like he's less than what you're striving to be since he didn't go to college?

    The first is the way my SO acts, he'll try to make it sound like it's not a big deal so that I will actually listen and take a step back. It helps when it's not p!ssing me off , lol

    The second may sound harsh or conceited, but I took time off of school and I feel like that was my train of thought when people I cared about would complain about their school work. I didn't think it sounded that bad because all I wanted was to be back in school.

    Just some food for thought, he may think your workload is in fact heavy; but his words may have nothing to do with the actual work.
  13. by   ArrowRN
    I'm sorry about your situation. I had a similar "rant" on one of my past topics a while back if you'd like to read it. Only I'm actually in nursing school.

    Spouses have no idea what it takes!

    Since then, have I gotten it resolved? Not really. It's different when one spouse sees that education is the way to go and the other has never been to college. I've tried to get my spouse to be ambitious and she is just not interested. In the mean time neither of us are working, while I'm in nursing school living of loans. I realized that some people just wont change. To make it worse a back injury now prevents her from doing CNA work and she had to quit. We've had on and of splits ups especially coming close to exam time. I'm just trying to get through this without getting a divorce.

    I try to balance my time when ever possible but it's just so much I can do. Sorry but if it's this hard during your prereq's it will only get harder during nursing school, unless something changes. This is not to scare you. It's just my viewpoint. Also he could be jealous of you getting educated. You will eventually make more than him and for some men, they just can't handle that aspect of the woman being the main earner in the house. Try your best to talk it through with him and recognize his work is also important.
  14. by   twigszoo
    Make him study with you. If he thinks its so easy, then it shouldn't be a problem for him.