Hi everyone - I've been on this site for a couple of weeks now - I posted a thread last week and received helpful advice and information. After being happy with the responses I received from my last post, I thought this would be the safest place that I could ask for help with my next question. Okay here goes, I will be starting nursing school Jan 2012, I cannot express how excited I am as I have been counting down the days until it starts. I have been wanting to be a nurse for as long as I can remember. I am 46 y/o, have been through alot of obstacles in my life but I feel as though I cannot give up on my dream and my goal to be a nurse. Ecstatic to say the least. I'm prepared for all the hard work, determination, perserverance, sleepless nights, studying til my eyes are crooked, family separation, messy house, hairy legs, fiance doing his best to cook me edible meals, non-existant socialization and everything else that comes with the hard work it takes to be a nurse. I'm prepared for all that because I want it so bad, however 5 years ago I lost my precious Dad. I thought my life was over but somehow I managed to go on because my Mom needed me. I took care of him during the last 3 years of his life, he went through so much. I took him to drs appnt's, spent countless hours on many different occasions in er's, dialysis 3x/wk, and too many other things to list. My question is - When I do become a nurse and am working with patients that remind me of my Dad or if they have the same illnesses as my Dad or especially seeing a dialysis patient - How do I stay focused on that patient and provide the best care that the patient deserves from me? I'm just so scared that my emotions are gonna take over. With all due respect, please don't respond with "Maybe this field isn't for you" as I wholeheartedly know this is for me, this is what I want to do and nothing or nobody is gonna hold me back. My main motivation aside from always wanting to help people in need and also to learn how to take care of my Mom who also has an extensive medical history is to make my Dad proud of me as I will be the only one out of his six children who is a HS grad and also the first to go to and succeed in college. Noone knows of my fear and I would really appreciate any advice from all the RN's out there as I know my situation is inevitable but I just want to be prepared when the time comes. Thank you so much :redbeathe
My dad died in a nursing home, having been there for a month for a pressure sore, and with dementia. I remember how he looked that last day. I had been a nurse for a few years at that point but within a few weeks of his death, at work, an older man with dementia who reminded me very much of my father died with me in attendance. I completely broke down.
Every so often, someone, some patient, will touch your soul and break your heart all over again. But that's okay. It speaks to your being human, and caring.
My dad died in a nursing home, having been there for a month for a pressure sore, and with dementia. I remember how he looked that last day. I had been a nurse for a few years at that point but within a few weeks of his death, at work, an older man with dementia who reminded me very much of my father died with me in attendance. I completely broke down.
Every so often, someone, some patient, will touch your soul and break your heart all over again. But that's okay. It speaks to your being human, and caring.
Im so sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for that advice. I have to remember I'm only human and its okay to feel emotional from time to time. I'm trying to bury that now before I get out into the field and I realize that's not the way to go...I'm only human.
if you think this will be an issue, have a plan b (the one besides an) for support. the thing you want to watch out for, obviously, is being less able to give competent care for someone who reminds you of your father.
but the other thing to worry about is your personal and professional boundaries- it is so tempting for newer nurses especially to want to "share," to demonstrate their empathy with a particular patient or family situation by describing how this happened to them, too. this is wrong on several levels, but it's very seductive when your faculty tells you about therapeutic communication and communicating empathy. in real patient care, though, imho, it can never be about you, even for a minute. so you will need to have a solid place to be coming from before you are in this position.
if you haven't had some grief counseling, think about it. even one or two visits with a hospice social worker or spiritual adviser who's in charge of the grief counseling can be very enlightening, even if your family member was not in hospice care, even if you have no other relationship with hospice. they are a community resource.
good luck, and let us know how it's coming.
thank you - it's funny you would suggest grief counseling. I've been told to seek counseling many, many times over the years since my dad has passed but I've always figured - "how are they going to help me" "he's passed on and noone can say anything to ease my pain" but now you got me thinking - if it will help with my patientcare, then maybe I will start thinking about it as I want to be the best nurse I possibly can be.
I think the biggest problem facing nursing as a profession is a lack of empathy by many. I see some nurses who are like robots with patient care, and simply want a paycheck. They got into the field for the wrong reason. It would be absurd for somebody to suggest this isn't for you. You do have to maintain your professionalism, but I guarantee your experiences will make you a stronger nurse.
We all have favorites -- some like the little cross tempered Alzheimer's patient that they can get a smile out of, others like the person in with their first DKA, where maybe they can be instrumental in changing that person's future by helping them see that their diabetes is no joke. My favorite is veterans...I feel like they've given so much, risked so much, and especially the Vietnam era ones were given the back of the country's hand when they returned from their war. When I have a hospice vet, I always make sure to tell them how proud I am of them, what a wonderful thing they did for their country and their home, and that their friends who have gone before will meet them on the other side and make sure they find the gate. Right now, I'm making a red white and blue lapghan for use by some future vet.
And you'll learn to separate you from the patients. You'll have to, or you'll burn out. Just remember, you're a visitor into their world, not an inhabitant. Make sure to know where your boundaries are, and don't move the patient inside them.
Everybody brings baggage....EVERYBODY. In school you learn about what to look for in others- and the focus is SO externalized that it helps diffuse your personal reaction.
We all have favorites -- some like the little cross tempered Alzheimer's patient that they can get a smile out of, others like the person in with their first DKA, where maybe they can be instrumental in changing that person's future by helping them see that their diabetes is no joke. My favorite is veterans...I feel like they've given so much, risked so much, and especially the Vietnam era ones were given the back of the country's hand when they returned from their war. When I have a hospice vet, I always make sure to tell them how proud I am of them, what a wonderful thing they did for their country and their home, and that their friends who have gone before will meet them on the other side and make sure they find the gate. Right now, I'm making a red white and blue lapghan for use by some future vet.
And you'll learn to separate you from the patients. You'll have to, or you'll burn out. Just remember, you're a visitor into their world, not an inhabitant. Make sure to know where your boundaries are, and don't move the patient inside them.
What a beautiful person you are - Thank you:heartbeat
Like you, I had the maddening frustration, and the unique honor and privilege, of caring for my late mother during her final years. And, I felt the pain of loss, the guilt, the frustration - but, I've also found that sometimes even the smallest things can help. For instance - while I stood vigil with her (in November, 2008 for those keeping score), periodically I'd leave her room to stretch my legs, use the restroom, etc. and at the facility she was in they had (and have) a nice little ritual; they play the 2nd movement to Brahm's "Lullaby" over the PA when a baby is delivered. They played that a good dozen times while we were there (at least that I was present to hear) - just a little reminder that life does go on in its endless cycles. It helped...
Fast forward to a few months ago - I've been signed up as a volunteer at the same facility (which, incidentally, is a dandy way to expose yourself to a clinical environment with minimal risk to you or the patients) and was trying to get a work assignment (again!), and opted to pop over to the cafeteria after chatting with the volunteer services staff. Sat down to eat - and the "Lullaby" started playing over the PA! I broke out with the biggest smile (think I scared some of the staff) thinking about my experiences, remembering the heartache, the anguish - but also the very deep-seated satisfaction and joy that Mom's now beyond all of these earthly cares, and that in a very odd way she's still with me, guiding me through the process of becoming a hospice nurse.
In any case - my experience has been that ultimately you will experience circumstances like you describe, and that only by experiencing them will you truly know how you will react. You'll also run into circumstances that are totally unrelated that will floor you - had that happen just yesterday, in fact. My friend's wife (who is an RN) was working on a patient who coded on her & was unable to resuscitate; in the life of an ICU nurse, not all that unusual. This patient happened to be the mother of one of her daughter's classmates, though - and she just felt terrible. What gave her a small amount of closure was that she was allowed to prep the body for transport to the morgue - gave her at least that much opportunity to send her patient off with dignity and respect. And, she cried herself to sleep this evening.
It's a unique field of work - you need the hide of a rhinoceros, and the heart of a poet to do it well. Sounds like the heart you already have; the hide comes with time and experience.
My question is - When I do become a nurse and am working with patients that remind me of my Dad or if they have the same illnesses as my Dad or especially seeing a dialysis patient - How do I stay focused on that patient and provide the best care that the patient deserves from me? I'm just so scared that my emotions are gonna take over.
I think GrnTea said it quite well.
When you are working, you must remember that it's not about you. If you lose your focus or let your emotions take over, then you have made it "about you." And in doing so, you are actually doing a disservice to the patient.
I say that as someone who on one occasion let a patient's tragedy take me back to one of my own. Not okay-that patient was a unique person with his own set of different needs and circumstances. He was not my loved one and it was not fair to let my heartbreak over a completely different person affect my care. It's one thing to empathize; it's another to let one's emotions "take over." I don't know how to advise you other than to say if you begin to feel those emotions swell you must immediately tell yourself "HEY. This is NOT about Dad, and it most certainly is NOT about me. My patient needs me to be a nurse right now, and that is what I should be."
Good luck. I'm sure you have already made your Dad proud.
Like you, I had the maddening frustration, and the unique honor and privilege, of caring for my late mother during her final years. And, I felt the pain of loss, the guilt, the frustration - but, I've also found that sometimes even the smallest things can help. For instance - while I stood vigil with her (in November, 2008 for those keeping score), periodically I'd leave her room to stretch my legs, use the restroom, etc. and at the facility she was in they had (and have) a nice little ritual; they play the 2nd movement to Brahm's "Lullaby" over the PA when a baby is delivered. They played that a good dozen times while we were there (at least that I was present to hear) - just a little reminder that life does go on in its endless cycles. It helped...
Fast forward to a few months ago - I've been signed up as a volunteer at the same facility (which, incidentally, is a dandy way to expose yourself to a clinical environment with minimal risk to you or the patients) and was trying to get a work assignment (again!), and opted to pop over to the cafeteria after chatting with the volunteer services staff. Sat down to eat - and the "Lullaby" started playing over the PA! I broke out with the biggest smile (think I scared some of the staff) thinking about my experiences, remembering the heartache, the anguish - but also the very deep-seated satisfaction and joy that Mom's now beyond all of these earthly cares, and that in a very odd way she's still with me, guiding me through the process of becoming a hospice nurse.
In any case - my experience has been that ultimately you will experience circumstances like you describe, and that only by experiencing them will you truly know how you will react. You'll also run into circumstances that are totally unrelated that will floor you - had that happen just yesterday, in fact. My friend's wife (who is an RN) was working on a patient who coded on her & was unable to resuscitate; in the life of an ICU nurse, not all that unusual. This patient happened to be the mother of one of her daughter's classmates, though - and she just felt terrible. What gave her a small amount of closure was that she was allowed to prep the body for transport to the morgue - gave her at least that much opportunity to send her patient off with dignity and respect. And, she cried herself to sleep this evening.
It's a unique field of work - you need the hide of a rhinoceros, and the heart of a poet to do it well. Sounds like the heart you already have; the hide comes with time and experience.
Peace be unto you, Bailee;
Dave
You're such a beautiful person - Tears and smiles reading that response. Thank you and peace be unto you as well Dave:redbeathe
When you are working, you must remember that it's not about you. If you lose your focus or let your emotions take over, then you have made it "about you." And in doing so, you are actually doing a disservice to the patient.
I say that as someone who on one occasion let a patient's tragedy take me back to one of my own. Not okay-that patient was a unique person with his own set of different needs and circumstances. He was not my loved one and it was not fair to let my heartbreak over a completely different person affect my care. It's one thing to empathize; it's another to let one's emotions "take over." I don't know how to advise you other than to say if you begin to feel those emotions swell you must immediately tell yourself "HEY. This is NOT about Dad, and it most certainly is NOT about me. My patient needs me to be a nurse right now, and that is what I should be."
Good luck. I'm sure you have already made your Dad proud.
Wow, you're so right! Thank you and before I go into the field I'm gonna read this over and over again! Thank you for saying that about my Dad being proud of me, that meant alot.:redbeathe
SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN
10,263 Posts
My dad died in a nursing home, having been there for a month for a pressure sore, and with dementia. I remember how he looked that last day. I had been a nurse for a few years at that point but within a few weeks of his death, at work, an older man with dementia who reminded me very much of my father died with me in attendance. I completely broke down.
Every so often, someone, some patient, will touch your soul and break your heart all over again. But that's okay. It speaks to your being human, and caring.