Patients Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018

[Brian S.]

We've all been there. In our time as nurses, we've heard patients say some pretty wild things. Whether it's off-the-wall reasons for how they came to need medical care or something as seemingly mundane as a catchphrase which a patient uttered that resulted in you having a laughing fit; those memorable phrases, reasons or moments could win you one of two $250 Amazon.com gift cards courtesy of relode.

Dust off those memories and leave them in the comment form below. The two grand prize winners will be announced during National Nurses Week but have no fear - even if you don't win one of the grand prizes, we are giving away some cool runner-up prize packs to two more lucky winners!

We all know that patients say the darnedest things, let us hear your best! Thanks for all that you, our nation's nurses, do and Happy National Nurses Week!

Be sure to enter our two previous contests for more chances to win...

• Fill in the Blank Contest
• National Nurses Week Cartoon Caption Contest (sponsored bu rukuku)

Have fun!

[button=https://allnurses.com/national_nurses_week-info.html]National Nurses Week Celebration

30 Days of Celebration / 8 Days of Giveaways[/button]

UPDATED May 9 ... and the winner is...

As promised, the winners are posted below. Thanks for all of the awesome and creative entries!!! Feel free to share!

[jbyrdlvn]

Young new daddy "My baby's sucking his thumb! Is he going to die? My mom said he should never suck his thumb, if he did I'd regret it the rest of my life!"

[MKennedyrn]

Patient says "I need a note for Work saying I can't work because I can't drive at night". What reason should the Dr note that you cannot drive at night. patient states "because I only have one headlight". (Previous Mastectomy patient)

[Kimmedic]

Patient hitting on me: "well aren't you just a voluptuous little munchkin". Insert eye roll.

[Krisadam]

"Goodmorning!! I have your medicine for you"

"yeah!! Go to hell"

[Carol Wolter]

I walked into my 80 something year old patients room and went through my normal routine. Hi, how are you feeling, My name is Carol, etc. I then addressed him by Mr. So&So and asked him what he would like me to call him. He looked at me, smiled and said, "You can just call me handsome!" And that's what I called him for the duration of his stay in the ICU!!

[Carol Wolter]

I had a homeless patient in ICU. After he was extubated, he was asking me all kinds of questions which included "are you married?". I told him I wasn't. He said, "Heck, I'll marry you. Want to get married"? I told him that my boyfriend probably would have something to say about that. He paused for a moment and then asked, "Then can I borrow a couple of dollars?"

[Smilingnurse1011]

I had the cutest patient with dementia who loved his little doggy. The doggy was an adorable hand sized beanie baby that brought the man so much comfort until one day he started screaming, "help" "help" "he isn't breathing"

I went running into his room to find my patient holding his little pup saying "there is just no life in em, no life at all!" Followed by, "go ahead and throw him away now so he don't stink up my room.

[Wayneswifey]

MS patient recently admitted to NH, husband in process of divorcing her. She asked another nurse if they could use a vibrator on her cause she is horney and cant do it herself.

You can't make this stuff up.

[mikedog75]

Walked into a patients room to check on him ad he asked for a towel and a wet wash cloth because he was done masturbating and he needed to clean up. Ewww I so didn't offer to help him.

[Nurse_Michael]

I was explaining to a patient's wife that he had removed his own catheter during the night, balloon and all. Miraculously, there was very little bleeding and, by morning, no obvious sign of trauma. The wife put her hand over her eyes and shook her head. Then she asked her husband loudly, "That was some trick, dear. What do you have to say?"

To which her husband sheepishly replied: "taa-daa?"

[Durangodrgnfly]

After listening to a patient rattle off his extensive medical history, I then had the pleasure of cleaning him up after he pooped in his depends. This was not a geriatric patient either. After he was clean, he asked me," So, do you want to go out sometime?"

What? I'm not sure which part he thought I'd be attracted to, the dirty depends or the long list of medical problems.

BTW...I declined the offer. Lol

[Jacqueline11]

"Well?! Aren't you gonna get in this bed?!"- An older dementia patient getting ready for bed and thinking I was his wife. He sat there for a good minute holding the sheets up and staring at me.