Patients Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018

dawndeeRN · May 8, 2018

Had a patient in the outpatient dialysis clinic who worshiped Elvis Presley, even dressing and talking like him most days. Not that that isn't odd to begin with, but this poor guy couldn't legitimately get a sentence out without mispronouncing or making up his own words. He was quite the character. I could probably write a book on all the stuff he said and did during the few years he was with us...here a few that come to mind:

1. He mentioned walking down Main Street of the town he grew up in and ran into one of his idols..."Conway Titty." He pronounced it this was EVERY time he said it!

2. He was talking about his recent stay at the hospital and proceeded to say how he HATED that hospital food, especially those "sweet gerbil pickles" they put on the sandwiches. He apparently wanted dill pickles.

3. He once told me he was "100% half American Indian."

4. He used to bring in his Emmett Kelly the clown puppet and talk to all the staff. He wouldn't acknowledge you unless you spoke to "Emmett."

K38nurse · May 8, 2018

The ghost with the most. I had a lady who saw ghost and talked to them. For some reason I was the one she trusted to share this with. She had explained the ghost was wearing her dress and had skinned her cat....... went on to say he wold stop the torture if she did one thing..... give him a b.j. with a straight face I asked her how she felt about that...... her reply was epic..... "well I'm tired and I don't really feel like it." You can't make this stuff up

TD_RN · May 8, 2018

I was giving a patient some morphine he had been asking for and I finally received an order. Mind you, my patient was nonverbal due to having a tracheostomy and had to write on a pad of paper to communicate. As I was giving the morphine, Jerry Springer was on the TV. I couldn't help myself but to make fun of the show a bit and state my disbelief that the show was still airing. He then nudged me with his elbow and began writing on his pad of paper. "I have 13 children with 11 baby mama's" is what he wrote! I lost it there! Best part he was 68, nonverbal, and with a brand new girlfriend. Or maybe a new baby mama?

RNSKT2015 · May 8, 2018

Patient: I feel like a rotisserie chicken.

RN: What do you mean by that?

Pt: You just turn me this way and that way...and this way and that way...

agrooms727 · May 8, 2018

During last rounds and my last med pass I stopped in a patients room where my aides were giving him a bed bath. As I walk in the room the patient starts yelling that his balls were burning! I asked why and he said it could have been the whore he paid for last night (this man is in long term care and has been for years) I asked why he called her for and he said Even the old guys need a good time. Explained that one day when I'm his age I'll understand.

AngelLong1189 · May 8, 2018

I'm fairly short, maybe barely 5'2" lol anyways. I was trying to update the white board in the patients room when my patient says, " Someone picked you before you were ripe, didn't they?" I said, " excuse me?" Because I didn't quite hear what she said and at first it didn't register. She then says, " because you're so short, they picked you before you were ready." And she at this point is dying laughing. I now use that for my excuse when someone mentions how short I am lol. I'll never forget it.

ehorvath · May 8, 2018

While I'm the dementia unit at work, an older lady asked me my age i said 23 and she says honey I was giving ass at your age!

CSEIPEL1031 · May 9, 2018

Just this past weekend I had a patient ask for cat food for dinner, and no she was not kidding at all. Then she asked "don't you ever eat cat food for dinner with your cat?"

Vsaylor11 · May 9, 2018

I had a delirious elderly man tell me "Why don't you go cook a snake and eat it?" This same man put his hand on my stomach right after and said "I know what you've been up to". The next day I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant after trying for 5 years!

Vsaylor11 · May 9, 2018

A woman in labor and delivery triage randomly told me that her husband enjoyed her putting IcyHot on his balls. Awkward!

Kwade_84 · May 9, 2018

Obviously Pregnant Nurse: Mr. do you drink alcohol?

Patient: Yes, I have a little bottle of bourbon in my pocket, why, do you want some?

OsceanSN2018 · May 9, 2018

I had a 84-year-old male vistor in the hospital for his sick nephew. The senile gentleman kept in his wheelchair on the wall and claimed that he was a wall hugger. He also said that he once was admitted to this same hospital a couple times, but he only comes for the "women and food"!