In part one I talked about the need for boundaries in order to steer clear of other people's negativity. In this article I want to lay out what boundaries look like when they are rigid (bad), absent (ugly) and healthy (good). Boundaries are absolutely essential for everyone to have healthy relationships but especially for nurses in order to prevent overload both emotionally and physically.
Let's first look at what happens without any boundaries. Not being able to set any boundaries or limits can result when someone does not like being alone or when they are not aware of their own needs. Physically this can show up with people not respecting the personal space of others and emotionally by feeling everything very intensely. This person may over react to what is going on and be overly dependent on others for their emotional wellbeing. Have you had any coworkers or friends who always needed reassurance from you? On the other hand, a person without any boundaries may also hold onto resentments for a long time and feel like a perpetual victim. This would be a negative Nancy always complaining about how they were wronged somehow.
You can see how not having any boundaries can make relationships and communication difficult. To make things worse, a person who cannot set boundaries can be very critical of others when they attempt to set limits. This can create a backlash of guilt and or frustration as the healthy person seeks to move away from individual who has not yet recognized they are their own person. Regardless of how hard it is - continue to set limits and speak up for yourself lest you end up in the codependency trap.
If you are this person who has not set boundaries and recognize that you are just too dependent on others for their approval, congratulations! Awareness is the first step to making changes. Begin with small changes that have low risk. For example, if friends want to go to a certain restaurant and you really want to go to another one, make the suggestion for your choice. Then as you build a comfort level expressing your preferences you can take bigger risks with boundaries at work.
The Bad (Rigid) Boundaries
Getting along with someone who cannot set boundaries can be initially easier than some who has rigid boundaries. Eventually, they both will chip away at successful and healthy relationships. Someone with rigid boundaries may appear still, stoic, standoffish having difficulty with physical and emotional closeness. This makes it tough to build trust in a relationship as this person is hard to read and can come off as disinterested or indifferent. They may end up feeling misunderstood because their lack of emotional expression is misread by others. Other people may be resentful because this person does not participate in the relationship. At work, this person may be consistent yet not able to give back to others and read the cues that someone needs help. They may wait to be asked for help rather than initiate an offer. Again this causes problems with those people who are more emotionally available.
If you are this person who watches everyone else engage but holds back out of fear of exposing too much or feeling awkward, start by observing someone you admire. What are the gestures they use to engage that you could model? Start small as it really is the small shifts in behavior that make the biggest impact. Try smiling more. Smiles are so universal and a smile will break the ice and encourage a connection. With patients put a hand on their hand or a light touch on the shoulder to let them know you care and are there for them. As you allow your own feelings to come forward and gently guide you, you will be able to relax your boundaries and join in.
The Good (Healthy ) Boundaries
What do healthy boundaries look like? Unfortunately, there is not always an effective role model in the workplace. Setting boundaries is NOT a place you arrive at and then never again experience an awkward moment. It is dynamic and you will continue to grow in this skill. Keep that in mind so you have realistic expectations for yourself.
A person with healthy boundaries is very clear about what they like and don't like. If you struggle with boundaries this may come off as irritating, selfish and elite. "Who does she think she is, asking to go to the first lunch..." This may be a reaction to someone making a request for lunch because they know their blood sugar drops and if they did not eat early, their energy levels wane. Why wouldn't you want to ensure you have the option in order to do your job well?
You can tell this person is not elite and or entitled because setting healthy boundaries means you also respect those of others and you are able to compromise and negotiate when needed. This person shares their viewpoint and is open to hearing a different view from others. Respecting other people's physical and emotional space, this person asks permission before touching someone or asking personal questions.
As you go about developing this critical skill of setting boundaries, spend a little time checking in with yourself and finding out what is important, what you need from others, what is negotiable and what isn't. Initially, you may err on being too rigid if you have never set limits before - that is ok. Keep working at it. You may be too loose and will quickly learn as you get overwhelmed with other people's demands. Tune into your emotions, learn from them and then take action. Your life will only be as good as your ability to take care of yourself. You are worth it.
bluegeegoo2 are you burned out? It is time to do something for yourself. The longer you go being drained and empty the harder it gets and the more you might risk adrenal fatigue and more serious health issues. Is it time for a conversation with your family and to delegate things so you can have time for yourself when you get off work?
I'm a blend of both. I'm always smiling at work, always a good word for people, perpetually cheery and friendly. Lots of people have said I'm happy go lucky, friendly, blah blah blah...but then they realize, they have no idea how many kids I have, where I live, or even that I work strictly weekends. I build up a huge wall, and share only surface things about myself, but because I am so smiley and cheerful they feel they know me.
I don't want my coworkers to know me very well. I don't want to be friends on facebook or get the families together for supper, or anything like that. Work is work, and I am not comfortable at all with my coworkers being that close to me.
So, I have some rigid boundaries, but I dress them up real nice. I'd rather undershare than overshare.
Well said
I do tend to under share because I rather my colleagues to know the work me; I will share bit by bit; and there are things that I rather people at work not know about me; I keep things light, and do occasionally have enlightening conversations, it depends on the audience and I assess that aspect before I decide how deep of a conversation I want to engage in.
The work me has given a level of respect from the trenches to admins and executives, so the aspect of boundaries that I have chosen had worked for me.
Specializes in med, surg,trauma, triage, research.
I love this article and yes you describe me too, I find it is colleagues who "invade" my space more, especially colleagues who haven't strong boundaries themselves...denying attention when they know full well I'm busy, making me seem the "part pooper" if I dont join in, again, usually if I'm busy, rolling of the eyes and making an aside to the rest of my colleagues to show the joke is on me...I could go on, and I'm sure this has happened to others too...I'm working on my boundaries and its working so far, the colleague is leaving me alone, no one to bounce off, some wise poster said in response to your first article, she's funding out I'm not the one for her.....
vianne, you are so right! It is the ones without boundaries that challenge all of us to be more firm. Stand your ground because they will eventually go away and those who like you want to have a healthy limits will gravitate toward you! And you role model for others
I like the ideas that this author placed, but I feel that there is a lack of practicality. One aspect I believe that would really improve this article is to deviate examples of "healthy" vs "unhealthy" boundaries. While there may not be an agreement upon everyone about which falls where, I would benefit from the experience of others.
Here are a few of my own:
Healthy: setting an expectation with a patient about how you will assist them; small-talk about non conflicting topics when there is free time with coworkers and patients; not allowing bodily injury on yourself (i.e. lifting too much weight, putting yourself in risk of harm without a coworker); knowing when you can and cannot help another coworker
unhealthy: saying too much emotionally about your personal life; reassuring false hope; not ever asking for help when you need it; asking coworkers too many questions that you can easily surface an answer yourself; trying to do it all and not knowing when to refuse a situation; not being able to take something up the chain of command; not knowing how to address coworker conflicts
there is much more I could go on to say...
This is so true. We all need to be mindful to not mix personal life and work life to the extent of in depth boundary setting, unless it applies to the therapeutic relationship of nurse/patient.
Poor boundary setting, in my opinion, is a trauma based issue. That may be why someone chooses to become a nurse, but doesn't need to define their practice of same.
I expect that when people come into work, and as adults in the workplace, that we all act accordingly. We all have a job to do, and precious little time to think about interpersonal relationships on a personal level with co-workers. That internalizing should not be priority.
If we are boundary setting, it should be as a part of a treatment plan.
Should anyone observe that the boundaries they are setting (or not) in their personal lives, there are support groups, counseling.....take advantage of the observation and do it for you.
This is a great topic for nurses since we have a tendency to put everyone else first. I agree 100% with thecommuter and bluegeegoo2. I really have to work at being a customer service person and I hate being phony.
A friend who is a therapist explained boundaries to me like this: it's about protecting what is mine.
It is totally healthy and sane to be guarded about what you share at work in order to protect your reputation.
It is okay to say no I can not work, I have plans that day, to protect your right to have a life outside of work.
It is okay to put yourself first, you need to be hydrated and not starving in order to protect your ability to function.
If you are charting, and someone needs help, it is okay to say I will be there in minute, I am almost done here, to protect your valuable time.
It is okay to say, I work nights, I can not attend commitee meetings in the middle of the day, to protect your health and well being.
It is absolutely necessary to know how to deal with disrespectful patients, visitors and colleagues to protect your dignity.
Boundaries are essential to protect your reputation, your health, your efficiency and your quality of life. I hope the author continues her series. We all need some help with learning how to set boundaries.
bluegeegoo2 are you burned out? It is time to do something for yourself. The longer you go being drained and empty the harder it gets and the more you might risk adrenal fatigue and more serious health issues. Is it time for a conversation with your family and to delegate things so you can have time for yourself when you get off work?
My home life is delightfully boring, predictable and virtually stress-free. Just the way I like it. It's the exceedingly needy resident/family members that drive me up the wall at work. I understand that they all have needs or wouldn't be in a facility. However, when I'm told "I don't feel like I'm the only one here" in many different forms throughout each shift that my resolve to provide is chiseled down to my last raw nerve. When that invariably occurs, I tend to view each call light going off and each request as an annoyance rather than what I'm there to do. In short, yes, I'm burned out. Having little recourse to resolve that issue at this time, my option is to bite the bullet and paint on a "smile" and hope it doesn't come across as a sneer.
Cynthiahowardrnphd
2 Articles; 73 Posts
bluegeegoo2 are you burned out? It is time to do something for yourself. The longer you go being drained and empty the harder it gets and the more you might risk adrenal fatigue and more serious health issues. Is it time for a conversation with your family and to delegate things so you can have time for yourself when you get off work?