Parents I need some advice!

kellycinalli · Apr 24, 2014

With your kids, I'd do the take away if you don't help gig!With your fiancé,I wouldn't give him any, until he helps out. Either that or leave the house a disaster and eventually someone will clean. Maybe, do a chart with expected chores for your kids and reward them when the chore is done, just to get piece of mind and study time!! Good luck with that!!

Gottawanna · Apr 24, 2014

Is there any way you can do your studying outside of the house? If you're there, even if you ask them to pretend you're not, they'll obviously know you still are and still consider you available. As far as the cleaning and cooking, I would do the bare minimum so you're not living in filth, but also not having to constantly clean.

Sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your fiancé. Tell him school IS the same as work, with the added fact that while his day ends when he clocks out, yours continues with homework and studying, etc. Tell him that if you fail out, you won't become a nurse so won't be able to help as much as you would have been able to financially. And if he still doesn't help, tell him you'll be cooking for your kids and yourself and he can figure our his meals on his own. And obviously don't do his laundry.

RunBabyRN · Apr 24, 2014

School IS your job. You're not a SAHM, and even if you were, he still needs to do his share. Nursing school will be even MORE demanding, and if you guys can't get this sorted out now, you will REALLY struggle then. You will need to be firm and stand up for yourself. I agree that you shouldn't cook for him, shop for him, or do his laundry, and I'm guessing you won't have much desire to do *other* things with/for him as well if he's behaving this way!

I have a hard time studying at home, because my husband and son inevitably DO distract me, and the things that need to get done around the house lure me away!

May I ask, are the kids your fiance's kids? If so, he especially needs to be involved in maintaining them beyond simply bringing home the bacon. Our society is still woman-focused, when it comes to these sorts of things, sadly, and so many of us women suffer because a lot of this stuff does fall on our shoulders.

Be honest and tell him that as things are, there is no way you can even consider going to nursing school. He will need to help more around the house, PERIOD.

smf0903 · Apr 24, 2014

I don't know how old your children are, but if kids are old enough to walk and talk, they're old enough to help, even if it's a little bit. I have a big dry erase calendar with chores on it to help keep everything on track (at least as much as possible!) I agree that you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation with your fiancé...not a judgemental or accusation-type conversation but a real conversation. You may remind your fiancé that though he may be "bringing home the bacon", school costs money and if you fail you are COSTING your family money NOW from tuition/books/school-related expenses...and costing money down the road because you would have the opportunity to earn more for your family after you achieve your degree. It is a difficult balance to maintain during school...I have a completely supportive family and there are days I would be embarrassed if someone saw my house It's just that right now I choose to do well in school and stay on track, not that I don't care about how clean my house is, but it's not priority 1 right now (or even 2 or 3 ) We plan meals out at least two weeks at a time, and I grocery shop according to our meal plans one evening after school (I am already out and about so it just works better that way for me). I am fortunate in that my daughter is in school and I have evening classes, so I have study time during the day while she is at school and hubby is at work. But I know a lot of people in our program who study on campus...they just can't do it at home. But you really need to sit down and talk about this before you become bitter and angry about your situation, really. Or before you fail. School is something very difficult to do when you don't have backup. I wish you the best! And I hope your child is better :) Good luck

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Apr 24, 2014

How old are those kids?

A three-year-old can set a table. Not well, but well enough to get praise for being a good helper.

A four-year-old can feed the cat and be praised for making her happy.

A five-year-old can pick up his own toys and put them away, and straighten his own bed.

A six-year-old can scrape plates into the garbage and wipe a sink clean.

A seven-year-old can empty the wastebaskets into a trash bag.

An eight-year-old can do a load of laundry (yes, indeed, mine did their own from then on, neatly avoiding the "Mom, I don't have anything clean to wear!" whine. When the answer is, "And whose fault is that?" that's the last time you'll hear it, and by the time they're adolescents they will have forgotten that you ever did that for them.)

A nine-year-old can fry hamburgers and learn to cook frozen peas and baked potatoes in the microwave one night a week.

A ten-year-old can take all the towels out of the bathrooms, wash them, dry them, and put them back up fresh, AND can put away all the groceries unaided AND maybe run a Swiffer over the kitchen floor once a week.

A family reward night, like pizza, if all those chores get done every day for the week (go midweek-to-midweek to avoid the "special exception for the weekend" trap....which then stretches into Monday and Tuesday....)! If not, well, no recriminations, no whining, just, "Well, we'll see about it for next Wednesday night." Period.

Are we getting the idea here?

Your goal is to raise kids that can take care of themselves. They learn when they are young, so what do you want them to learn? That money is more powerful than self-respect? That you should feel guilty when somebody says that their money is more important than your aspirations? Or that you are working hard to make their lives better in the future, and they can all help?

As for the fiance, I seriously recommend a session or three with a good family counselor, because otherwise this attitude is not going to get better, and better that you should know it now. Do not ask me how well I know this.

loriangel14, RN · Apr 24, 2014

Yeah I would think twice about this relationship. Been there, done that. If he can't be supportive now why would you continue on?

You need to put school first.If you don't get the housework done. So what? The other people living in the house need to step up and help. I think your screen name says it all.You need to stop being a mouse and roar like a lion.

How old are your kids.

My kids were getting themselves up, fed and off to school when they were 10 and 11 because I had to leave at 0530 to get to my clinicals.

aeris99 · Apr 25, 2014

The only reason I don't hold the kids to higher standards is their both special needs and honestly can't do things that other kids their age can. I have to stand over them to keep them focused. The time will come when they can but it's not right now. (Both kids are

mine, not that we ever say that. Their ours now.)

Counseling sounds like a good idea. I think this summer will be the time for that.

We've had our hands full with the older one. He has severe ADHD,ODD, dwarfism and was just diagnosed with bi-polar. He just moved to his fathers a few days ago because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I catch his moods and episodes.

I'm going to let the house go for the next few weeks until the semester is over. But I can't study at school since our sitter quit.

Thank you all for the advice. Right now I'll tread water. Once all of our nerves settle, I'll tackle the other conversations.

mommycruz3 · Apr 26, 2014

Damn, that's hard. Good luck... tell him if he loved you, he would help you achieve your goal.

aeris99 · Apr 26, 2014

I didn't mean to make it sound like our relationship is awful. It isn't. It's just the communication lately.

Maybe it's the stress we've been under. I have a hard time talking without being defensive even under normal conditions.

I'm sure being in a house full of ADHDers can't be easy on him.

AmyRN303, BSN, RN · Apr 26, 2014

I'd be very specific in what you need. And the "I'm the breadwinner" argument doesn't fly, as you're obviously not going to school for frivolity. Best to address it directly.