Out With It is the story of a nurse who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder and the events leading up to diagnosis. The title Out With It comes from the desire to come out about Borderline Personality Disorder, which carries a huge stigma with it and the hope that the stigma will be broken.
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I sat there in library working on one of my many papers and projects that I had due. I was exhausted--exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally; I was done with it. Suddenly, a thought came to my mind to kill myself. I finished what I was doing and packed my materials up for the day and went home. I grabbed some money, told my mom I was going to study with a friend for a test I had (I put some books in a bag to make it seem realistic), and drove to the store. I picked up some duct tape, wine, beer, and cups. I went to pay for it and the cashier made a comment something to the effect of "duct tape and wine, you must be going to have some kind of party." Little did he know that I was planning to kill myself. After I left the store, I went to the ABC store and bought vodka. Then, I got on the road.
I made it approximately an hour away from where I live and then, it got dark and harder to see. I pulled off the exit and started looking for a hotel to check into. I passed the community hospital and I thought "that's where I will be taken to, if I survive or that's where my body will be taken, if I succeed." I did have a fleeting thought of going to the hospital and telling them that I was suicidal. Then, I thought "no, I want to die. I am tired of everything." I found a hotel and checked in. After I got into the room, I started pouring the wine and vodka into the cups and started drinking. I became a person that didn't mix hard liquor with anything--just straight (not shots, into cups, drinking it like a normal drink) and I drank wine in cups, as well (as opposed to wine glasses). I started feeling to affects of the alcohol.
I went into the bathroom because I started vomiting. I didn't want a huge mess on the hotel room floor. I was ready to get the bag and duct tape. The plan was to suffocate myself by putting a bag over my head and wrapping duct tape around my head. I hated myself and really thought I deserved to die. I put the bag over my head and wrapped the duct around my head as tight as I possibly could, thinking of how awful I was and how much I deserved what I was doing to myself. As I wrapped the duct tape around my head (before I got eye level--I started at my mouth and went upwards), I started seeing little petechial bruising appear around my ankles. A little voice (kind of like a conscience) was screaming "Stop! Please stop! You are going to be a nurse! Please stop!". I wanted to be a nurse more than anything. I realized at that point if I didn't get the tape off, and I survived; then, I would have no future as I was quickly running out of oxygen and would likely be in a vegetative state. I left the room and went to the front desk.
I have no clear recollection of what happened between going to the front desk and being in a room in the emergency room. While in the emergency room, I was visited by an officer from the police department. The original impression from the various personnel was that it was an attempted homicide. However, when they questioned me, I was honest. I told them it was a suicide attempt and I broke down. I remember sobbing that I needed help. They were very compassionate and promised that they would get me help.
I went through a couple day stay in the ICU, psych evaluation, and then, I was taken in a security/police car to an in-patient psych hospital as an involuntary commit. My admitting diagnosis was Major Depression. I spent three days there and the psychiatrist could not figure out what was wrong with me. I had to go to a court hearing, where they moved to have my stay extended. My request was that I be released as I was going to fail my classes if I stayed; then, there really would be problems with me being suicidal as I would have nothing. The decision was that I be released with a court order for mandatory outpatient treatment. Any violation of the order, I would go back to in-patient. I left the facility without a diagnosis.
I was compliant with the order and was completely honest in my evaluations during outpatient treatment. The psychiatrist, that I had at the time, came up with a diagnosis of Bipolar I.
It was about the time to apply for my nursing license. This was the diagnosis that went down on the application. That psychiatrist retired; therefore, he was not the one who wrote the letter to the Board of Nursing. The new psychiatrist came in and did an evaluation. He came up with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and I did not have Bipolar I. The letter to the Board of Nursing, and my Board Order, reflects this diagnosis. I was offered a pre-hearing consent order (PHCO) in lieu of an informal conference hearing, in which I had to agree to enter into the Health Practitioners' Monitoring Program (HPMP). I took the deal as opposed to facing an informal conference that could end in denial of licensure. I received my Authorization to Test (ATT) and scheduled a date for NCLEX. I took the NCLEX and passed first try with 75 questions. I received my nursing license a little over a week later.
