While I realize we ALL promote less intervention and everything that goes along with "natural" delivery, I just HAVE to share this birth plan. It arrived along with a smiling primip with ruptured membranes on a crazy night that included a twin mom arriving in labor ending up with a femoral line for surgery due to no iv access, a stat section for face presentation, and a big blow up fight with an idiot anesthesiologist....So, you can probably all understand why this would strike me as funny and , given the superstition of OB nurses in particular and nurses in general, here goes...
Hi there. My name is ( )...My husband ( ) will be with me in labor. ( no significant others, boyfriends or other like surprises will attend).
I have heard stories about labor and delivery and have heard from more than one nurse and even one doctor that it is not like the baby channel. I get that, therefore...
I am open to drugs of any sort, any kind any time. This includes Ivs, epidurals, pills and anything else you have available. If I am standing in front of you for any reason on or near my due date and there is even a remote chance I am staying, I want my epidural just after I introduce myself. Seriously. I am NOT interested in a natural delivery. Not even one iota. Not one.
I am bottle feeding. It isn't popular I know but thats the way it is. So don't even try to talk me out of it. My mom has tried and failed. It isn't happening.
My husband is not interested in cutting the cord.
He is interested in simply remaining conscious.
I would like to labor down AFTER I get my epidural.
I don't want an epis but if I need one, feel free.
My mom is a nurse and she has always said whatever you do, make friends with your nurses. I am cool with that.
So, we both have an extended large family that can be really annoying.
Please don't tell my mom that or let her read our birth plan.
She is one of the annoying people.
She means well.
If any one in the family gets in the way of my nurse, feel free to tell them to leave.
If anyone speaks up or contradicts my nurse,
feel free to tell them to leave.
If I am in serious labor, ready to push or just in a bad way I want EVERYone out of my room.
(My husband and my nurse can stay, and the doctor too if the nurses think he should.)
And, if the family has to leave I don't want them hanging around outside my door trying to listen in.
They go to the family room or they go home.
My nurse is in charge of them.(thanks a million for that- I would rather my nurse field my mother than me. I have been trying to do that for 27 years).
The only way our baby gets a circ is if the pediatrician gives him some pain medicine, otherwise, no go.
If you can help in any way, cool.
Thanks a lot for all your help.
Isn't that absolutely the most hilarious nurse friendly birthing plan? And, it is verbatim!
Made my crazy night.....