Absolutely the most entertaining birth plan I have ever read....

  1. While I realize we ALL promote less intervention and everything that goes along with "natural" delivery, I just HAVE to share this birth plan. It arrived along with a smiling primip with ruptured membranes on a crazy night that included a twin mom arriving in labor ending up with a femoral line for surgery due to no iv access, a stat section for face presentation, and a big blow up fight with an idiot anesthesiologist....So, you can probably all understand why this would strike me as funny and , given the superstition of OB nurses in particular and nurses in general, here goes...

    Hi there. My name is ( )...My husband ( ) will be with me in labor. ( no significant others, boyfriends or other like surprises will attend).
    I have heard stories about labor and delivery and have heard from more than one nurse and even one doctor that it is not like the baby channel. I get that, therefore...
    I am open to drugs of any sort, any kind any time. This includes Ivs, epidurals, pills and anything else you have available. If I am standing in front of you for any reason on or near my due date and there is even a remote chance I am staying, I want my epidural just after I introduce myself. Seriously. I am NOT interested in a natural delivery. Not even one iota. Not one.
    I am bottle feeding. It isn't popular I know but thats the way it is. So don't even try to talk me out of it. My mom has tried and failed. It isn't happening.
    My husband is not interested in cutting the cord.
    He is interested in simply remaining conscious.
    I would like to labor down AFTER I get my epidural.
    I don't want an epis but if I need one, feel free.
    My mom is a nurse and she has always said whatever you do, make friends with your nurses. I am cool with that.
    So, we both have an extended large family that can be really annoying.
    Please don't tell my mom that or let her read our birth plan.
    She is one of the annoying people.
    She means well.
    If any one in the family gets in the way of my nurse, feel free to tell them to leave.
    If anyone speaks up or contradicts my nurse,
    feel free to tell them to leave.
    If I am in serious labor, ready to push or just in a bad way I want EVERYone out of my room.
    (My husband and my nurse can stay, and the doctor too if the nurses think he should.)
    And, if the family has to leave I don't want them hanging around outside my door trying to listen in.
    They go to the family room or they go home.
    My nurse is in charge of them.(thanks a million for that- I would rather my nurse field my mother than me. I have been trying to do that for 27 years).
    The only way our baby gets a circ is if the pediatrician gives him some pain medicine, otherwise, no go.
    If you can help in any way, cool.
    Thanks a lot for all your help.
    Nurses rule!


    Isn't that absolutely the most hilarious nurse friendly birthing plan? And, it is verbatim!
    Made my crazy night.....
    Last edit by Mermaid4 on Apr 1, '05 : Reason: Forgot a part...
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    About Mermaid4

    Joined: Aug '04; Posts: 339; Likes: 30
    RN labor and delivery. previously telemetry and diabetic education

    72 Comments

  3. by   SmilingBluEyes
    only one question:

    did things go according to the PLAN????

    i love it!
  4. by   Mermaid4
    When I left she was in the tub, 3 cms listening to CDs after having received 5 mg nubain IV.......I'll let you know how things turned out.
  5. by   Jolie
    This is priceless, and should become the textbook model for birth plans!

    My guess is that with such an open mind, this patient probably had a picture-perfect delivery.
  6. by   Gompers
    Except for the part about the nurse being in charge of dealing with the family, rather than the patient herself having enough guts to tell them go get the heck out...

    I actually LIKE that birthplan, LOL. It's much better than the ones where the mom wants absolutely NO interventions, to the point that you wonder why they didn't just have the kid at home themselves. You know, the moms who always end up in the OR for a section? This mom does need a little bit of education regarding pain control and it's effect on the baby, and the proper timing of an epidural, of course. But I think the part about her husband not wanting to cut the cord and just wanting to focus on staying conscious is what really got to me. My fiancee wants to be in the waiting room with cigars when we have our kids, and if I do make him be in the room (which I WILL) he will only stay at the head of the bed (which I AGREE WITH).

    Anyway, thanks for posting!!!
  7. by   madwife2002
    ABSOLUTLY WICKED BIRTH PLAN :roll
    Hope it all went well keep us informed
  8. by   palesarah
    I love it! Thanks for sharing
  9. by   mhull

    Hi there. My name is ( )...My husband ( ) will be with me in labor. ( no significant others, boyfriends or other like surprises will attend).


    No Significant others, BOYFRIENDS, or other suprises........is she saying they have them, or that they just won't be arriving at the hospital during birth?
  10. by   safewaygreenbox
    Excellent :chuckle
    A girl who knows what she wants
    I might base my living will on this :chuckle ....just got to get around to it

    Kay the 2nd
  11. by   UM Review RN
    Whatta hoot!!

    Beats the heck outta my Intro:

    "OK, here we are--stand back and catch!"

    (Which is why I know nothing about birthing babies.)
  12. by   RoxanRN
    in comparing this birth plan to mine, this one was very nurse friendly. my husband and i were just determined to be very much in control of what was happening to me. which my first child (1993), i felt i had no control - i was discouraged from walking, relegated to bed, attached to monitors and allowed only ice chips :angryfire . the ob broke my water with the internal monitor at 1300 when i was 2-3cm. the crna was unable to get the epidural placed - he worked for an hour (1400-1500) :angryfire :angryfire . she delivered an hour later (10 hour total labor without pitocin). we felt like the delivery was more of a medical procedure than a wondrous birth.

    so, when i found out i was pregnant with #2 (2002), i had very set plans as to what was and was not going to happen! looking back on it, my birth plan was probably not very friendly. in short, it stated we were both medical professionals and intended to be in full control of the goings-on. i was going to walk; i was going to have something other than ice chips when i wanted it (only planned on yogurt and bananas), no invasive monitoring was going to happen unless there was absolute medical need and the need thoroughly explain (same with an "emergency" c/s), thus the waters were going to break naturally, and i wasn't very fond of an epidural (due to my previous experience). our older daughter was going to in the room during the labor and delivery (with her aunt being there to be totally responsible for her). my husband and a friend were going to be with me (in addition to my daughter and sil).

    but, oh, the best laid plans of mice and men ..... yes, i did make several laps around the unit early on (admitted at 2230 and started on pitocin at 2330) and had few yogurts to eat (they tasted wonderful!!). having been up all day anyway, i was generally tired. when the labor starting getting bad, i did want to stay in bed (around 0100) - with a fist in the small of my back. when the water broke at 0300, hubby finally talked me into an epidural. at 0400, the anesthesiologist (an md this time) got it the first time! #2 was here at 0502 and as planned, big sister was there and got to cut little sister's cord (doc was really cool with the idea!!). i hope the nurses didn't think i was too big of a pain the backside.

    roxan
  13. by   tntrn
    WE had one the other night: NO intervention of any kind for mom or baby (no Vit K, Hep B, erythromycin)

    Final result: Epidural at 9 cms and high; and hour or so of pushing; c/s for 9 pound 8 kid who was persistant posterior. Blood sugar of 29. When I left, mom and the gaggle of expert family members were arguing with the nurse about formula for the kid.

    I'll almost bet that kid wound up in the NICU with an IV.
  14. by   VivaLasViejas
    I think my own daughter (6 months pregnant) could have written that birth plan......especially the part about the annoying mother who means well!

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