Nursing school and hard homelife

[ahauts]

Hey all, just looking for advice (and maybe some positive words because I'm in a pretty low place).

I have 4 weeks left of my 2nd year in a 4 year BSN program in BC, Canada. I love nursing, especially my time in clinical. The workload is pretty big: I'm out of the house at school/commuting/hospital work about 15-17 hours a day 5 days a week, sometimes 6. If I was JUST stressed by school it might be easier (I admire all you moms/dads out there balancing kids), but I have a difficult home life.

I am 20 and live at home, and for as long as I've remember, my mom has been emotionally abuse to me. I didn't really recognize this behavior as abuse until more recently, I just thought she was really mean to me and and when I was younger I thought it was normal so I didn't seek help. I come home from a long day and try to study, but my anxiety is heightened when I am at home because she is constantly yelling at me for everything (ex-why is that jacket on the wrong hook, why aren't you saying goodbye when you leave that is so rude, how dare you not make your bed that is so disrespectful towards me and you are unappreciative and lazy)...meanwhile I'm getting up at 4am and commuting on a bus 3 hours to school or a hospital, writing papers until late in the night, so I don't think my bed being made is a huge deal.

I love her just because she is my mother, and she is great in many ways, she makes dinner a lot, and lets me live without rent, but we just don't see eye to eye. I want to respect her wishes because I am under her roof, but its just very hard to live with her. When I was younger (but not recently) she was physically abusive, used to hit and pinch me while she was driving, slap me, etc (my dad was never around when she did this). I hated my childhood and find these memories very upsetting and it makes it difficult for me to have a good relationship with her because I have lingering resentment and a lot of anxiety being around her, I don't know why, but sometimes I feel like she'll do something to me again. I'm scared more of her emotional abuse, but I also feel safe enough physically to stay there. I suppose my only reason for staying is that I still have a lot of school to pay for and I have a place to live, but I am really considering moving out lately. I think I've cried every day for a year, other than the 6 months I had a practicum in another town (so this confirms a lot of my depression and anxiety is probably due to living at home and not nursing school).

I want to move out soon, despite that she doesn't want me to (and will probably try to stop me) and I'll be further in debt.

Until I move out, does anyone have any advice?

I've tried working on our relationship and communicating with her, but she just gets mad and yells at me everytime I ask if she wants to talk about our relationship, and tells me its my fault I'm not grateful or helpful enough around the house, despite me telling her I am. So for now, I've just tried emotionally distancing myself, which in itself is upsetting, and hard because I'm a pretty sensitive person.

I've seen counselors (she refuses to), and I've seen my doctor. I have a low dose prescription of ativan, and so far I've just used it on the nights I can't sleep because I'm so anxious about living there and school stress.

I'm not sure what else I can do immediately that will help...I'm just really upset and wish I had that warm feeling people get when they think of their moms, but I just get upset and cry when I think of memories with her. I would never treat a child the way I was treated and still am treated.

[ahauts]

Side note-she doesn't have a job, hasn't worked in 20 years, and stays home all week. I don't want to judge her but I get pretty upset when she calls me lazy when I'm running on 4 hours sleep and she has been home all day. I have no idea how to respond to her without her getting mad at me, so I usually just go somewhere and cry. I wish I wasn't so sensitive!

[lelmor1]

I am sorry you are having a tough time. I can't give any advice but I will ask you to think about what you would say if your friend told you she was in this situation. What would you tell her? Forget the fact that this is your mother, would you tolerate this behavior from a lover? Only you can make the decision what is right for you. Make a decision, make a plan, and take control of this situation.

I find writing lists of pros and cons helps me make a decision, then I make plans which include short term goals and long term goals and how to get there. Include a time frame to accomplish those goals. There is no time like the present to work on your future.

Hang in there and know I am praying for you to have strength in the challenges you face.

[Here.I.Stand, BSN, RN]

Only you can answer this question... but what is the steeper price to pay: rent? or your emotional/mental well being?

Hugs! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

[Pangea Reunited, ASN, RN]

You are an adult and responsible for your own feelings and living situation. Your mother is only a problem if you allow her to be one. Don't get caught in the trap of seeing yourself as a victim.

[iShaybie, ADN]

I'm sorry! I was in a relationship where my partner acted like this. Very hypocritical, put me down about the smallest things, never acknowledge accomplishments, etc.

You have to get thicker skin. Start ignoring the negativity. They WANT to upset you. When they see they can't get to you anymore, you win.

Not saying two wrongs make a right, but you're 20 years old so if your mom wants to cop an attitude with you, give it right back.

And if she touches you, call the police. She can't do that, you're a grown women.

Some people need to be put in their place.

Good luck

[dishes, BSN, RN]

It doesn't sound like your mother's behaviour is different from the past, it sounds like your ability to ability to tolerate her behaviour has decreased because you are exhausted and stressed. You cannot change your mother, focus on improving your ability to cope with her nitpicking and the demands of being a student. Try to find a ways to de-stress; exercise, meditate, talk to friends etc. Also, try to pre-empt her complaints, if not making your bed triggers her, just make your bed, you can do it in less than a minute and it will save her stewing about it all day and nagging you about it when you arrive home.

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

Not saying two wrongs make a right, but you're 20 years old so if your mom wants to cop an attitude with you, give it right back.

This is not good advice. Escalating the situation is not going to help one iota. The OP already said her mother has been physically abusive in the past. The potential is still there.

OP, I would be looking for a way to move out. As you are 20 years old, your mother can't stop you. I would not be disrespectful to her in return, but you can set limits on how you are treated ("I'm sorry, but if you are going to raise your voice at me or be disrespectful, I will have to leave. We can talk when you are ready to be calm and respectful" And then DO IT). If she won't comply, then you may have to restrict the amount of time you spend with her. Some relationships are too toxic to maintain. I truly hope this isn't one of them, but you really do need to insist on civility at minimum. Your mom sounds miserable, and she may be clinically depressed or have some other mental/emotional pathology, but that doesn't mean you have to accept this kind of treatment.

That said, if one of the rules for living rent free is to make your bed, help clean the kitchen or keep the living areas tidy, you need to do that. I get that you are a busy student, but if you lived on your own, you'd have to do all of that yourself. Pitch in a help whenever possible. As said above, it takes only a moment to make your bed. Put your dishes in the dishwasher after you use them, or wash them if you have no dishwasher. Take out the trash or sweep or vacuum sometimes without being asked. Offer to stop at the market occasionally. Contribute to the running of the household, since you are a member of said household.

Continue counseling. BTW, what does your counselor advise you to do when you are in these upsetting interactions?

Good luck. This won't last forever. In two years you will be self supporting.