Funny things patients say ! - page 11

While working in the emergency room I was taking care of a 90 year old lady who came in by wheelchair from a local rest home. Her complaint was right leg swelling and we found an obvious deformity of... Read More

  1. by   Jenni811
    Had a patient who as a chronic smoker, i mean smoked ALL day everyday. All she did was smoke, smoke, smoke. That was her life.
    ...i work in acardio/pulmonary unit so no surprise when she came into our pulmonary unit with lung cancer. She yelled at me all day about her cigarettes, i was so tired of it. No you cannot smoke in the you cannot go outside and smoke with oxygen on. (And if you do...please make it far far from the building)

    So doctor came and basically was telling her that her cancer was too bad, she had mets. and there was not a lot they could do. Just talking to her about her options. i was there with the doc who is from India with a big accent.

    So this lady was like "well how about a lung transplant? can't you just go get a set of lungs from a dead patient?"
    Doc: (trying to keep in simple for her) "Its much more complicated than that, we can't just retrieve lungs like that. they need to be a match, they need to be healthy lungs"
    ...the lady then pulls out her laptop and says "Well, if you won't get me a set up new lungs, i'll just book a flight to india and go buy myself a pair of lungs there. You are all indians here, so that must be where they hide the good doctors"
    All day she was trying to book flights to India. It kept her busy and kept her off my case about the stupid ciagrettes. Also kept her from threatening to steal my lungs if i didnt give her a cigarette.

    Yes lAdy, we hide all our good doctors in India so they can sell lungs to people like you.
  2. by   beachmom
    Quote from JRP1120, RN
    Found out a few months ago from a few nurses on my floor that one of the doctors on our unit had a male patient that had c/o of this same thing, except the pt said he could feel it. He told them that yes, a man can in fact toot out of his penis. A few of the nurses didn't believe him so he told them to look it's actually called, for the male, a "quoaf" (don't know if that's the exact spelling but if you know what the females is called, you know what I mean!) I about died laughing! (apparently can happen after foley catheter removal and only lasts briefly)
    After my son was born, for awhile I would "toot" out the urethra. I guess the birth stretched open the urethra. If I would move one way, a bit of air would get up there, then I would move another way or urinate, and it would "toot" out. Kinda weird feeling. Glad when everything tightened up and it quit.
  3. by   wookieRN11
    When I was in nursing school I was passing meds to an elderly patient who had a touch of dementia, I crushed the pills and put a little bit of orange juice with the crushed pills in the medicine cup. This poor old man asked me "Is, is this Urine?", lol. He was a cute old fellow, I'll never forget it!
  4. by   nursel56
    One of my home care patients looked at me with big concerned eyes and said "my right lung feels like a fig." lol ... not an eggplant mind you - a fig.
  5. by   mommywithplenty
    Quote from thearbiter
    We were assisting a vaginal delivery and after a tedious wait, the baby came out. The mother was not wailing at all, unbelievably. When the doctor was stitching the perineum, the mother started to feel the pain. When she can't take the pain anymore, she shouted, " I want a CS, now!" There was a moment of silence, until we can't contain ourselves anymore and laughed to death.
    As a mom of five who has had stitches with each one(large babies, honestly I did labour w/o pain meds but the stitches yikes! Apparently if you rip upwards you have no chance in h@## that it will be painless ,it's like no other torture
  6. by   No Stars In My Eyes
    mommywithplenty---As a 0p/0g....allow me to say : OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  7. by   MMCuzz
    My four year old cousin goes to the Dr. for a consult about the growth hormones she has to take, and once she is certain that she will not be getting her shot (they terrify her) She looks her Dr. in the eye and says... "Dr. we have problem (holds up her fingers and points to the fifth digit) why do I grow, but my fingers don't??""

    I love hearing the stories her mom tells about the things she tells her Dr.!!! Kids really do say the darndest things!!
  8. by   AlisRN
    Quote from Jenni811
    Must have been some pretty powerful eyedrops
    Actually, if you drink Visine, it will give you diarrhea (as seen in the movie, The Wedding Crashers lol)

    Alissa, RN LOL
  9. by   MEDICJOHN
    I have so many stories but they are all from the ER and involve disgusting yet hilarious language and editing them will completely obliterate the humor....grrr
  10. by   Aeterna
    We had a patient on our floor who, for some reason, was having hallucinations (mind you, we aren't a psych floor so we aren't used to this!) He once was convinced that one of the night shift nurses was running a prostitution ring. He also once called in the police to report a murder in his room! (As in, the police actually came up to his room!)

    Another student nurse told me about another patient who had hallucinations. He kept insisting that his "little green friend" was visiting and at his bedside!
  11. by   MiaNursingStudent
    last week in neurotrauma icu we had a 16-yr patient that was in for an ATV accident.... well his catheter wasn't draining like it should have so I told him I had to flush his foley. I pulled out my hemostats to clamp the foley tubing and my patient immediately started to cry and say "please don't cut me..... please don't cut me". I finally realized he thought that my hemostats were scissors--- poor kid.
  12. by   Brea LPN
    Quote from nursy_ann
    I work in a psychiatric hospital with intellectual hand. ppl. One night I was in my office doing paperwork when a patient came in and showed me the phone saying "emergency pls....emergency!" When I asked him what was wrong he answered he had a terrible pain to a theeth. Well he just doesn't have any theeth!
    I had a patient c/o a tooth ache. He only had one tooth in his mouth.
  13. by   romie
    A Status cpost fall R hip ORIF patient was in so much pain and I was determined to manage it. As I was administering her morphine, because she was in so much pain she could only manage a few words. She said to me between her grunts and groans of pain, "OOOOOH, Uhhhhh. You have such pretty hair, oohhhhh. UHHHHH! I'm a male nurse with black hair.