I seem to be struggling here, folks. . . I have asked friends and family but NO ONE can tell me what to do. I've been told to listen to my heart and to try different classes. I'm going nuts.
I spent 2 years (Fall 2013 - Spring 2015) completing pre-requisite courses and an internship to prepare myself for acceptance into nursing school. My grades were awesome: all A's and B's. I completed an internship at a long term care facility. My goal was to see if I liked physical therapy, occupational therapy, etc. I spent much of my time watching geraitrics receive therapy. I will admit: I was bored as hell until I opened up to the residents and the employees. It is hard for me to speak up in a brand new setting.
End of spring 2015, I received two letters of acceptance into two nursing programs I applied to. Probably one of the happiest moments of my life, I bought all my books in advance, my nursing uniform, my stethoscope and I was showing all of my family members especially my 95-year-old grandfather who was dying from dementia.
August of 2015 I started nursing school. I was not medicated for my anxiety, so it was THROUGH THE ROOF. Every morning I commuted 45 minutes, didn't eat any breakfast or drink any water and felt sick halfway through the day. Automatically programmed my mind to get the doctor to give me an accommodation for bathroom breaks because anxiety gave me stomach problems.
Once I started my clinicals, I felt incompetent, lost, and sick. It wasn't necessarily the patients that scared me, it was more me feeling like I needed to have control over everything. It was me feeling like wholy crap this is all new, and I don't feel prepared. therefore, I was not accepting to the unknown. I was running into the bathroom frequently because my stomach was terrible. I couldn't even make a bed because I was trying to memorize what the book said. When blood pressure and the start of assessments and pulse etc. rolled around I could barely get a bed bath done let alone take proper BP. That was the day I drove home and tears and told my parents I was done and I was quitting tomorrow morning. They tried to talk to me to see if they could help me but I refused and withdrew. As I drove home, I felt calm again. I walked in the door, and immediately went back to my grandfathers' room to wait for him to wake up (94 years old). When he woke up, I told him I quit nursing school. I don't remember what his response was but his aide just looked at me and said WHY? I told her I was intimidated and it is not for me. She smiled and shook her head and stayed out of it. Months passed by. My family told me I needed to finish was associate's degree at least. So I went BACK to my local community college and finished my A.S. degree with some business courses and an art course. Business courses I found boring but I did well except for law. Photography was boring but I did well. I graduated in May of 2016. Then was back to square one. What's next?
Summer 2016 I work at my family's business pretty much full time. My plan was to take the Fall semester off and work full time at my family's business, but I wasn't content with that idea. I moved out of my house for three months and lived with my aunt and uncle. I wanted to get my health under control. I started exercising and eating calories I needed to gain some weight since I was underweight from not eating because I was stressed. For three months I committed myself to gain 10 pounds. By the end of the three months, I gained 10 pounds. I was so proud of my achievement. My jeans fit nicely and my muscles were toned. I had so much energy. I was in school taking one class, working 25 hours a week, eating healthy, and exercising.
End of October, I was starting to go backward. I lost track of my eating and I was failing tests in ONE class. My aunt and uncle were leaving for Florida so I had to move back home. They were concerned about me because I was going backward. I was crying almost every day for no reason. I was missing my grandfather and really wanted to talk to him but I couldn't. I started to become bored with my part-time cashier job at my family's business because there is nothing left for there to do. I finally decided to go to the doctor to ask for help. He told me I was struggling with some mild depression. I am currently medicated for my depression. I am in a rut and I can't seem to get out. I get bored if I don't move around. I tend to clean and organize when I am bored. When I get home I talk about wanting to go back to nursing school again. I'm not sure if I think about going back to nursing school daily because I am bored with my life or because I genuinely have a desire to help others like I helped my grandfather. Regardless, I really need to get out of my house for some time to find myself. I'm supposed to go away in a couple weeks to try a new major in public policy for health education. I'm really not sure what I'm doing. I'm hoping someone who is a nurse out there can help me and offer suggestions.
Specializes in public health, women's health, reproductive health.
It doesn't seem like you want to go to nursing school. You use the word "bored" several times in your post and, as you seem to suspect, this is probably why you are even contemplating a return to nursing school. That's probably not a good reason, particularly in your case, when you are highly likely to (again) experience the stress and rigors of a nursing program to be counterproductive to your goals for emotional and physical health at this time. I don't think going away to school for public policy is a bad idea provided you have the support you need when you are there. Listen, nursing school can wait. You can go after you've studied and/or done other things, if you still feel drawn to it at all and are feeling strong.
You say you have your anxiety under control. It might seem that way, but right now you are not in a stressful environment. If you were to go back to nursing school, you might well find yourself no longer "under control." This is why many of us are encouraging you to seek counseling. You didn't find it helpful before, but that might be due to the fact that you just had not found the right therapist.
Good luck. Finding one's true passion can be a challenge.
I agree with the others that your emotional health is not what it could be. You have shown amazing strength in going to your doctor for help (for the anxiety medication) and on coming on here for advice. Each of the posters have listened to you and are, in a way, your counsellors. It would not hurt to seek out additional counselling to discuss everything you need to. I suspect if you are like any other human, the contents in the first post are just the tip of the ice berg. Counselling helps, hopefully you have access to counselling resources. I also really benefitted from yoga and meditation... meditation especially is great... lots of health benefits to it: 76 Scientific Benefits of Meditation | Live and Dare. It personally helped me slow down so that I was less likely to let any anxious feelings overwhelm me. I would recommend compiling a list of things that you have going for you and things you are grateful for, focusing on those, and using those as you meditate, if that is something you decide to take up. I hope that you do. Try and use them to help you decide if nursing is truly for you. Good luck. :)
I have gone to two counselors and academic advisors. They say they can't give me an answer. I think a big part of my problem is my home life. Yes, I have considered CNA course but what deterred me was the bedside care stuff. In nursing school, from what I've heard from my fellow nursing friends, you have to get through bed baths first in order to learn the rest.
Can you clarify what you mean by "I don't sound emotionally ready for nursing. . ."
Thank you for your feedback.
I was thinking that a CNA course would be a less stressful way of learning basic skills where it won't matter as much. If you fail too many basic skills in nursing school you won't pass a class. If you don't pass enough classes then most schools will not give you an unlimited number of tries.
If your anxiety gets that high during the performance of basic skills that you can't complete them then you are not emotionally ready for nursing school. I was thinking that a less intensive course would lower your anxiety and allow you to learn to perform basic skills with confidence when and if you decided to pursue a full nursing degree. Working as a CNA would give you independence from your parents, challenge you, build skills, and hopefully engage your mind helping with the current discontent with your job.
Conselors can listen and act as a sounding board but in the end all anyone can do is offer suggestions. You have to decide what is best for you.
Everline
901 Posts
It doesn't seem like you want to go to nursing school. You use the word "bored" several times in your post and, as you seem to suspect, this is probably why you are even contemplating a return to nursing school. That's probably not a good reason, particularly in your case, when you are highly likely to (again) experience the stress and rigors of a nursing program to be counterproductive to your goals for emotional and physical health at this time. I don't think going away to school for public policy is a bad idea provided you have the support you need when you are there. Listen, nursing school can wait. You can go after you've studied and/or done other things, if you still feel drawn to it at all and are feeling strong.