recovering rn looking for support

Nurses Recovery

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Well my story goes like many others I am sure. I was having intense migraine pain that I could not get under control, went to many neurologist tried many different interventions and ended up with narcotic prescription. I became utterly and totally dependent on these. At one point I had surgery a few years ago and became pain free. At that point I was at work and had a percocet to waste but put in my pocket. It totally freaked me out. I told my husband that I wanted to stop taking the drugs now. I went off cold turkey went through terrible movie style withdrawal. After a couple of weeks I was back to normal. Lived pain free for about 6 months. Then some stress came around and the pain returned. I wanted the quick fix. I was put on oxycontin and percocet which i was on for two years. I was becoming a recluse. I was happy to stay in the basement and watch tv with my kids. My husband felt abandoned. His attempts to make me realize that I was an addict were met with anger and denial. My job performance was so bad that they thought I was stealing narcotics at work. I was called in for fitness for duty and was drug tested forced to miss work while the test were ran. It was humiliating. The test came back positive for what I was prescribed and management apologized and I was paid for the time off but I was dinged for poor charting. I lived in my numbed state for far too long. I had convinced myself that if I could not get off the drugs not so much because the were helping my pain but because I remembered what it was like to get off of them before. I was terrified that I would never get off of these drugs. I would cut myself back here and there but never committed to it. Then my world fell apart. My husband had fallen out of love with me in the time I was "gone". He had an affair and I woke up. I cannot say I am glad he did it but I am "here" now. That day I called my family doctor, told him that I misused the drugs took them when I was sad not in pain and wanted to stop now. He made an appointment with a Shrink the next day for me. He listened to me and advised tapering off but I had already taken my self off of the oxycontin and wanted to go cold turkey even though I new what that meant. He put me on a clonodine patch and my journey began. At first out of desperation to save my marriage then to save my soul. I realized that I had not been the best mom I could be to my kids and that hurt the most.

I wrote them letters and read them to my 7,11, and 14 year old. I confessed my addiction to them, my family, my friends, and my co-workers. It was humiliating and empowering at the same time. I prayed to God for the strength to be a better person, I pray for the strength everyday. The withdrawal symptoms lasted about 3 weeks but recover is on going. It has been 8 months since I have taken any narcotics. I touch them everyday and have no desire to back to them. But I am not stupid enough to think that I could not slip. My husband has a lot of anger toward me and plans on following through with divorce. This is the worst thing for me. We had a fairytale life. I ruined it and cannot fix it. The idea that these pills took away the thing I have loved most for the past 20 years makes me so angry but worst it was my weakness that let them. I go to a therapist for support and have looked into going to Narcotics anonymous but I think having another RN that has dealt with addiction to talk to would be a better fit for me. If there is anyone else out there that could use support please contact me. I have been fortunate to be able to work the whole time this has occurred and have enjoyed talking to the occasional pt that comes in for detox and sharing with them makes me feel like I am making a positive of a very big negative.

I would suggest looking at NA or AA, getting a sponsor and working the steps. Get this in place now before stuff really does hit the fan. Good luck.

Specializes in ER, CM.

Best of luck to you. I agree with nowim clean. Set yourself up with a good support system. Have you reported yourself to the Board of Nursing Yet?:redpinkhe

Go to NA/AA today....listen and when you feel comfortable, speak. You need to find a sponsor. Do not self-report to the Board of Nursing. Stay in touch with us. Kep going to a therapist. One day at a time...the program works, work the program.

Hi

I can identify with many parts of your story. I do agree that nurses in recovery should stick together and support each other, but I would also strongly encourage you to get involved in Narcotics Anonymous. NA is my lifeline. I am coming back from a relapse with almost 4 months clean now (after having FIVE) and NA saved my life. My relapse was very short, thank God, but nevertheless, I did more damage to my career. When I first went to NA I looked for the DIFFERENCES not the SIMILARITIES. ALL addicts suffer from the disease of addiction and the 12 steps of NA help us deal with it one day at a time. You are SOO blessed to be able to keep your job. I was not able to do this. My license has been suspended temporarily, and having faced the NCBON before, I am really not sure I am ready to do it again right now, even though I am eligible to appear before the committee next month.

On the other hand, I am grateful to have my husband and family.

We can get the things we lost BACK and receive many more blessings if we stay clean and stay in recovery.

Hugs

Beverly

PS I would agree with not self reporting to the Board unless you absolutely HAVE to unless where you live has a supportive program.

Thank you for sharing. I can imagine that all of that must have been extremely difficult and you seem like a strong person for seeking help. I do not suffer from addiction but I have had people very close to me who have had tremendous struggles. People don't understand that no one wants to live like that. My family members who are addicts are not happy with themselves but are still treated with disgust from some other members and are viewed as being selfish. I'm glad that you didn't take pills from your patients because I can't imagine living with something like that. I wish you health and happiness and I hope you find support here.

Specializes in Neurology.

This is a tragic story, one of which I have heard many, many times. I'm in recovery myself. I attend daily 12-step meetings and have over 5 years clean from any form of substance. Using drugs destroyed my life and I'm happy to be free from active addiction just for today.

It's tough being a nurse with a past history of addiction; however, my active addiction ended before I got my nursing license. I was a nursing assistant during my active using periods. I feel the need to keep my addiction past secret from my coworkers because I'm afraid of what they might think. The last thing I want them to think about is who I was in the past, especially since that is not the person that I am today. Also, it's not their business. With that being said, it's very important that I attend Narcotic Anonymous meetings as often as possible, so I can be in a place where it is okay to be drug addict, or a recovering drug addict. I almost feel like I live a double life. Inside work, I am a productive nurse, who follows direction and gets the job done. Outside work, I'm a recovering addict, who knows that even with 5 years clean, a drug or a drink is not hard to obtain, if I so choose that option. Hopefully I never choose drugs again.

My advice would be go to meetings and find a sponsor. Addiction kills. If it does not kill you physically, it will destroy you mentally and will, pardon my language, make you feel lower than whale ****. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem and I commend you for that. Well done! Recovery is daily maintenance. There is only moving forward, or backwards, but no in between. From my experience, when a recovering addict stops his or her daily maintenance, he or she begins moving backwards. Backwards to a relapse. Relapses also are no fun. Been there, done that too.

I would be more than happy to offer more suggestions or advice if you need any. There are many resources for recovery online, that may be beneficial for you as well.

Please stay clean for today! You owe it to yourself.

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