momma1rn2

Well my story goes like many others I am sure. I was having intense migraine pain that I could not get under control, went to many neurologist tried many different interventions and ended up with narcotic prescription. I became utterly and totally dependent on these. At one point I had surgery a few years ago and became pain free. At that point I was at work and had a percocet to waste but put in my pocket. It totally freaked me out. I told my husband that I wanted to stop taking the drugs now. I went off cold turkey went through terrible movie style withdrawal. After a couple of weeks I was back to normal. Lived pain free for about 6 months. Then some stress came around and the pain returned. I wanted the quick fix. I was put on oxycontin and percocet which i was on for two years. I was becoming a recluse. I was happy to stay in the basement and watch tv with my kids. My husband felt abandoned. His attempts to make me realize that I was an addict were met with anger and denial. My job performance was so bad that they thought I was stealing narcotics at work. I was called in for fitness for duty and was drug tested forced to miss work while the test were ran. It was humiliating. The test came back positive for what I was prescribed and management apologized and I was paid for the time off but I was dinged for poor charting. I lived in my numbed state for far too long. I had convinced myself that if I could not get off the drugs not so much because the were helping my pain but because I remembered what it was like to get off of them before. I was terrified that I would never get off of these drugs. I would cut myself back here and there but never committed to it. Then my world fell apart. My husband had fallen out of love with me in the time I was "gone". He had an affair and I woke up. I cannot say I am glad he did it but I am "here" now. That day I called my family doctor, told him that I misused the drugs took them when I was sad not in pain and wanted to stop now. He made an appointment with a Shrink the next day for me. He listened to me and advised tapering off but I had already taken my self off of the oxycontin and wanted to go cold turkey even though I new what that meant. He put me on a clonodine patch and my journey began. At first out of desperation to save my marriage then to save my soul. I realized that I had not been the best mom I could be to my kids and that hurt the most. I wrote them letters and read them to my 7,11, and 14 year old. I confessed my addiction to them, my family, my friends, and my co-workers. It was humiliating and empowering at the same time. I prayed to God for the strength to be a better person, I pray for the strength everyday. The withdrawal symptoms lasted about 3 weeks but recover is on going. It has been 8 months since I have taken any narcotics. I touch them everyday and have no desire to back to them. But I am not stupid enough to think that I could not slip. My husband has a lot of anger toward me and plans on following through with divorce. This is the worst thing for me. We had a fairytale life. I ruined it and cannot fix it. The idea that these pills took away the thing I have loved most for the past 20 years makes me so angry but worst it was my weakness that let them. I go to a therapist for support and have looked into going to Narcotics anonymous but I think having another RN that has dealt with addiction to talk to would be a better fit for me. If there is anyone else out there that could use support please contact me. I have been fortunate to be able to work the whole time this has occurred and have enjoyed talking to the occasional pt that comes in for detox and sharing with them makes me feel like I am making a positive of a very big negative.