desperate for some input!

[keeptryin]

I've posted some time ago about my son disclosing his drug problem to me, and I got some much needed encouragement. Now I'm back. Here's the deal:

My son is a nurse. He is suspected of stealing " a card"? from work.

A "friend " got him into a detox center, which I will be forever grateful for. This " friend" has called me a few times , informing me that he needs a 100.00 to continue to stay. Then she called his (my son's) step mom and told her that he needs 300.00 for a med that will help with the withdrawals. Step mom called me and told me what was up - mind you, I've not heard any of this from my son, just the Friend - Together we decided ( for many reasons ) that it may not be in my son's best interest (long term) to just cough up the money. Money that neither of us has, by the way. So Friend called me today and told me the same story she told step mom. Only she told me that if he didn't get this money, he would very likely die. She said they are being mean to him and he's going to leave the ceter and live in his car.

I know that he is suffering terribly. My heart is broken for him. He is my child, and I love him. However, he has manipulated, lied to, stolen from, verbally abused evey one he knows. Detox is exactly where he needs to be. And I'm not sure I want him to be comfortable. I'm not sure he's " rock bottom" yet, as a matter of fact I know he's not as he has told me that no one can prove that he took those drugs and that he is way too smart to get caught any way.I want my son healed. I know this med will help make it easier, but I TRUELY don't have money for it, and really, I'm kind of feeling like something funny is going on here. Why the "middle man"? My son and I are close, we have no secrets and he knows that I am not sitting in judgement of him. there's no reason for him not to call me and ask me in person for help... BTW, friend also wants us to take care of son's car payment... I feel that is enabling him further and is not going to be helpful for recovery.

HELP! I am confused, suspicious and heartsick over this situation. Any thoughts?

[leslie :-D]

i guess i'm not fully understanding why this 'friend' is calling you.

if your son is in a detox center, isn't he getting the med'l attn he needs w/his withdrawals?

i personally would not shell out any $$ w/o further research.

can you call the detox center and see if anyone knows what this friend is talking about?

it would serve 2 purposes:

1. you'd get the info you need, and

2. it would enlighten the staff to any manipulative behaviors by him or his friend.

if you're being hustled, this has to stop...now.

i hope your son sticks it out.

sometimes one does have to hit rock bottom before the long journey upwards.

blessings to you and yours.

leslie

[Dixiecup]

While I don't know all the details, i agree it sounds as if something fishy is going on.

Do you know for sure if he is even actually even in rehab/detox center? if so, I would call the facilcity, inform them of exactly what you told us here and ask for any input.

Why would the friend know this info and not you? Tell this "friend" your son needs to sign a release so they may give you information and get the scoop on what really is going on.

I only say this because I was in a similar situation about a year ago with my son, he signed a release of info to allow me to have information. Usually they cannot have visitors or even phone calls within the first few days so this seems rather odd the "friend" has this information.

I now it is disheartening and painful when it involves your child but it's hard to know what is in his best interest if you don't know all the details.

I wish you luck and prayers, I've been there.

[keeptryin]

I did call the center and was actually allowed to talk to him. I think that was a mistake. He was very beligerent and manipulative, and wasn't telling the truth about everything. He said he's leaving Thursday, he has no intention of going to rehab, kept saying he hates it in there...that they are "mean" to him, that he has "no control", that he has always been able to manipulate things to his advantage and he's unable to do that in there. UGH! He told me that he tried to commit suicide. But the way he told me seemed that he was just wanting a reaction from me. Said he cut his wrist, then went to an AA meeting. Then he tried a guilt trip, telling me that he knows he scerwed up my life for being born. ( I have never thought that!)

I know that I sound cold and heartless, but right now, I'm more angry at him than anything. His friend keeps calling and asking me for money, a phone card, etc. I have firmly told her no. (I have bailed him out of things more times than I can count, and it's always a disaster). She then calls his step mom and tells her that I don't care about him , and that she should help him. Step mom and I have fomed a unified front on this issue.

I know this isn't making a lot of sense, and I'm just venting. Is it normal to feel so angry? I love him whole heartedly, I don't want him to continue to live like he is, but it doesn't look like he has any desire to change. Plus, I think I'd be willing to help him if I thought he was trying to help himself a little.

I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid when he leaves that he will either overdose, hurt someone, dissapear, or end up in jail. This is a nightmare for me. I don't know the right way to respond to him. I told him I love him, but I think he wants sympathy from me, and I can't give him that, at least not when he is so arrogent, deceitful and beligerent.

What's the best way to interact with him? What can I do to show him I love him and care about what happens to him, without enabling him?

I'm in nursing school, and it's stressful enough, without this added to it. Is there any hope for him?

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

Don't give him a penny or help him any further. He's a grown up, he's made is bed and his choices and he has to lie in it. You're not responsible for his current situation - you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

You might want to go to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meanings and learn how to "detach with love". You're not being heartless and don't fall prey to his manipulations. One day he'll be thanking you.

Good luck.

[barefootlady, ADN, RN]

Agree with Tweety. Give nothing but words of positive reinforcement. A reputable drug rehab will arrange for meetings between your son and the family to address all of these issues and more. Good luck to you, it is difficult to see our loved ones suffer but lessons learned the hard way generally last. I will pray for you and your son.

[HangTen!]

YES! There is hope.... Run, don't walk to your closest Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting. There, you will find loving support for yourself. You will learn about this thing, addiction, and gain tools to help you get your life back. Peace truly can be yours once again.

I understand your dilema of being a nursing student at the same time as well. Know you aren't the first, and won't be the last.

There are also on line meetings available as well, google "online alanon".

Some helpful thoughts:

"This too shall pass"

"Let Go, and Let God"

"Three C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it."

"Stinkin Thinkin".....has to go!

"One day at a time".....sometimes it is on hour, or even one minute.

Breathe................

[softstorms]

Trust yourself, and know that you can not change anyone to fit where they need to be. Believe in yourself.....this is not yours to change, it is his. Let the responsibility go.... let guilt go......at some point, he has to take charge just as you would have. If you have a gift to give, it is one of being responsible for your choices. This is his time!