Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it. - page 77

:spin:Just curious as to what you would say. Mine goes something like this: Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight. I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave. Yelling... Read More

  1. by   eriksoln
    Quote from rph3664
    It's not the size of your pencil, it's how you write your name!

    Did you see my post on the last page about the guy for whom the doctor needed a vaginal speculum to find it? I forgot to say he was morbidly obese.

    But yet somehow, I knew it.
  2. by   canoehead
    For larger gentlemen with no penises sometimes you need to look for a second belly button and go in there.
  3. by   truern
    Had to cath a teenie weinie myself, but that doesn't top the first male cath I did in NS. It took me and my clinical instructor to pull back the foreskin...and pull it back...and pull it back...and pull it back...

    Thank goodness he was comatose...even *she* got the giggles.
  4. by   squeakykitty
    You want WHAT!???

    (Said in response to any ridiculous request.)
  5. by   Virgo_RN
    For the umpteenth time, I DO NOT KNOW WHEN THE DOCTOR IS COMING!!!! Ask me one more time, and you're gonna need a doctor!!!!!
  6. by   Riseupandnurse
    What I did say to my brother: "You were SURPRISED that you had to wait two hours after your scheduled time for an appointment to talk to Mom's doctor about how she is doing (he is her legal guardian). You couldn't understand why the nurses didn't honor your request to go and get him and tell him how long you had been waiting? You have finally figured out that the nurses have to treat him like he is God? Congratulations, you have at long last started to understand why being a nurse can suck. Now tell me why you did not share this personal enlightenment with the doctor when you finally got to see him."
  7. by   fuzzywuzzy
    Upon being asked for the umpteenth time for the bedside commode by a resident with a bowel fixation, I said, "I'll go get the wheelchair and bring you to the bathroom instead." This resulted in her throwing herself a huge pity party, hoping that I would break down and bring the damn commode in again. I said i didn't think it was fair to her roommate to use the commode right now because she was trying to eat her dinner. The pity party turned into whining about how everything has to be the roommate's way.

    I felt like saying, "I don't care. I don't want to hear the 'poor me' speech again. Just shut up and get in the wheelchair. Every day, we offer you the toilet right before supper, and you decline, only to ring AS SOON AS YOU SEE US WITH THE TRAYS. And frankly, we are all too busy to stand here and listen to your usual whiny monologue about your bowels and have to clean out the crap bucket in between passing out people's food trays [yes of course I wash my hands but it's still gross]. It is NOT FAIR that you insist on taking a loud smelly dump within 2 feet of your roommate EVERY SINGLE DAY while she is trying to eat. Right now, you are going to use the toilet like a normal person."
  8. by   fuzzywuzzy
    "Oh and by the way, you do not need to hit the call button while I'm in the room!"

    I dread going in there for the roommate because I know sooner or later I'm going to hear her piteous little voice from the other side of the curtain whimpering, "I need the commmmmode" so I will bring it to her, only to discover upon leaving the room that I have to go back to shut off the call light that she pointlessly hit.
  9. by   LilyBlue
    "It's not my fault that you are in this situation. I am trying to help you. I know you are angry, but don't take it out on me. I have problems, too."
  10. by   Dianacabana
    Quote from squeakykitty
    Pt.--"Do you know what you're doing?"
    Me--"No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
    THANK YOU! I've said this before with the other students in my clinical group and nobody gets it. I feel vindicated.
  11. by   sharpeimom
    I know you love your dog very much but WTH is he doing HERE and under the covers in bed with you?? Uh... dogs aren't on the hospital's approved visiting list... just wondering though... how the heck did you get him up here without being stopped? He must weigh 90#...

  12. by   squeakykitty
    Quote from Dianacabana
    THANK YOU! I've said this before with the other students in my clinical group and nobody gets it. I feel vindicated.
    I thought of this when I had my summer clinical rotation. This is something you really don't want to say around your instructor unless you want to give her an ulcer.
  13. by   diane227
    I would actually like to take a roll of kerlex, take half of it and push in into the mouth and wrap the rest around the head. ( I had a surgery resident do this once, to get a psych patient shut up).