New RN Questioning Leaving Hospital Setting

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Hello,

I am a new RN (graduated in August, 2020) who completed a StaRN program at an HCA facility. Therefore, I am in a contract that requires me to work full-time for two years or pay back $10,000... I've heard that they go after some people to pay, but don't for others. But I hate my job. I don't use this as an excuse, but I already have anxiety/depression and have previously been on medication for it before becoming an RN. So being a new nurse on top of that doesn't help. I work on a busy med-surg unit. I dread going into work. I cry almost every time before having to go back. I feel this dark cloud over me. I feel so badly about myself and have struggled with low self-esteem for years. I have talked to plenty of nurses and they say this anxiety is normal, but my anxiety and overthinking cripples me. Some anxiety is good, but mine makes me make mistakes and question everything I do. I have another post about making mistakes on here. I made one last night that is a pretty big one. No harm was done to the patient and it was definitely a miscommunication error in a busy area of the hospital in ER holds, but I take full responsibility. I fantasize about having chosen a different career, to be honest. I enjoy helping people, but I don't think that I'm smart enough or can handle stress well to be in this job. I did very well in school, but I'm book smart and think that I just can't access the knowledge like others can. I feel like an idiot. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I don't know if I should try to stick it out even though I'm miserable or to try a different area of nursing. I'm a thorough thinker. I like to follow steps, know a lot about my patients, tackle things one at a time. But that isn't how nursing is. You have to be able to think quickly and adapt to changes, multitask, etc. I have already taken the steps to getting back on anxiety/depression medications and have looked into counseling. I've been telling myself that if I can handle my mental health, that I will do better. But I'm thinking that hospital nursing is just not for me. I need something that is less stress and slower paced. Any words of wisdom would be helpful at this point. I'm unsure of what to do. All I want to do is cry and hide from the embarrassment I feel for the mistakes I've been making. I'm wondering if nursing altogether is just not for me. 

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Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
2 minutes ago, BabyTurtle2k11 said:

I'm thinking that hospital nursing is just not for me. I need something that is less stress and slower paced. 

I empathize with you, Baby Turtle and must say that you have seemed to answer your own question.

When I have not liked a job, I make a decision to quit. Now, whether I follow through with that decision or not, in my mind, I'm out of there. I think, "Okay, this job will be over soon and I won't have to deal with it".

This has allowed me feel less stressed and to gain a new perspective. Sometimes, I've weathered it out, and other times, I didn't let the screen door hit me in the behind.

Good luck and the best to you, Baby Turtle!

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@Davey Do

Do you have any recommendations to an area of nursing I could go to that would fit my personality more? I've been told about home health nursing, clinic jobs (there are not really any in my area that hire RNs), etc. Can you make a suggestion? 

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Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
1 minute ago, BabyTurtle2k11 said:

Do you have any recommendations to an area of nursing I could go to that would fit my personality more? I've been told about home health nursing, clinic jobs (there are not really any in my area that hire RNs), etc. Can you make a suggestion? 

My suggestion would be to take the shotgun effect: Shoot for whatever moves and see if you hit something; apply everywhere that might interest you, Baby Turtle, and see what happens.

The very best place to fit your sensitive nature- where I have had experience- is inpatient chemical dependency treatment. Now, this was back in the late '80's and the majority of the clientele  were motivated and/or had really good insurance.

Those were, truly, halcyon days.

Perhaps others will chime in and give you some more ideas.

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Specializes in ER, Pre-Op, PACU.

BabyTurtle - I do agree that part of your anxiety is the new grad role. Part of it is being a nurse during the covid times where things have been altered or changed drastically. Part of it is being on a busy med surg floor. 
 

I started as a new grad in the ER because it was a familiar environment. For awhile, it was a really good place for me but then things changed and it wore on me every day. I thought I hated nursing. Then I made a change to pre-op/PACU and it’s been a great change for me. Maybe consider this because it’s generally 1 to 2 patients at the most. It’s truly the least stressful nursing job in the hospital system, although generally it does require critical care experience. You do have to deal with some arrogance from surgeons and some very anxious patients. But for the most part, it really is a much better world in terms of pace, lower anxiety, very little likelihood of making mistakes (or maybe I should say critical mistakes), etc. Let’s put it this way - I don’t dread going to work anymore nor do I have chest pain anymore ? 

Another suggestion although you would need an MSN is education or quality improvement since you said you enjoy bookwork. You could take one class at a time and gradually move over to this role. Both of these roles require analytical thinking but are a step away from bedside.

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@speedynurse

Thank you for the reply. Before nursing, I actually wanted to be a teacher. But I decided to pursue nursing. I have considered getting my MSN and teaching. However, I will need bedside experience for that. I have also considered pre-op/PACU, but I've seen that they do require some experience. And at the hospital I'm currently at, I can't transfer departments until I'm 6 months in anyway. But I doubt I could transfer there. I haven't made critical mistakes, but I'm so hard on myself. I really made a stupid mistake last night and I can't stop thinking about it. I am more on the analytical side. Some of the highlights that I've taken from work is when I can work with geriatric patients (I've worked in geriatrics as a CNA before), and when I actually have spare time to read about my patients and see what they are in the hospital for. I love to connect the dots. "Oh, this diagnosis is why this lab value is abnormal, this is why they're experiencing this symptom..." that kind of thing. I hate the fact that when I get on shift, I take report on 5-6 patients and have no time to know much more about them other than what is on their SBAR sheet and what I've been told. Until I can assess them (which is one of the first things I do) and actually have a minute to sit down and look at their chart. I will get on shift and run around for HOURS. I just don't know if I can do this for two years. And I'm scared that I will make a critical mistake. 

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Specializes in ICU.
13 hours ago, BabyTurtle2k11 said:

@speedynurse

Thank you for the reply. Before nursing, I actually wanted to be a teacher. But I decided to pursue nursing. I have considered getting my MSN and teaching. However, I will need bedside experience for that. I have also considered pre-op/PACU, but I've seen that they do require some experience. And at the hospital I'm currently at, I can't transfer departments until I'm 6 months in anyway. But I doubt I could transfer there. I haven't made critical mistakes, but I'm so hard on myself. I really made a stupid mistake last night and I can't stop thinking about it. I am more on the analytical side. Some of the highlights that I've taken from work is when I can work with geriatric patients (I've worked in geriatrics as a CNA before), and when I actually have spare time to read about my patients and see what they are in the hospital for. I love to connect the dots. "Oh, this diagnosis is why this lab value is abnormal, this is why they're experiencing this symptom..." that kind of thing. I hate the fact that when I get on shift, I take report on 5-6 patients and have no time to know much more about them other than what is on their SBAR sheet and what I've been told. Until I can assess them (which is one of the first things I do) and actually have a minute to sit down and look at their chart. I will get on shift and run around for HOURS. I just don't know if I can do this for two years. And I'm scared that I will make a critical mistake. 

You sound like someone who might do well in the ICU. Some of us are so hard on ourselves but at the same time super detail-oriented. You sound obsessive like me, LOL: make a mistake and never let yourself get past it. I know this feeling and sometimes I beat myself up to the point I can’t sleep, but it does get better. The bottom line is the first year sucks, and it will probably continue to suck anywhere you go. You are learning a totally new way of thinking and working. You have to cut yourself some slack.

Take a few days off if you can, relax and let go of the mistakes you have made while having a plan to avoid them in the future, and come back ready to push through. If you can make it to the end of your two years in acute care, you will have skills, knowledge, and confidence. The only way to get through it is to go through it. Manage your anxiety any way that you need to and push through. That’s my advice, don’t give up yet. You will find your place. 

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Specializes in ICU, ER, Home Health, Corrections, School Nurse.

I don't know what your financial situation is, but I became a school nurse and I love it.  Very low stress, but the pay is much less.  

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@nursy

The pay isn’t too much of a concern for me as long as it’s decent. I don’t have kids (unless you count dogs) ? So a pay cut wouldn’t be too bad for me. But I haven’t found any school nurse positions online. How did you go about getting your job? Thank you for your reply. 

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First, you're cool.  Just by your screen name, I know.

Second, it's really hard to know how much is the newness, how much is the job itself, and how much is your untreated anxiety/depression.  There are less stressful jobs out there, and definitely less stressful jobs than newbie med-surg nurse in a pandemic.  But until you get treatment for your anxiety again, it's going to be tricky to untangle the cause and effect. What you describe sounds like a really, really intensified version of what many nurses go through in the first year, but with your history, you might be feeling this crippling anxiety at pretty much any first nursing job, not just med-surg.

My suggestion is to wait to make a change until you get back into treatment for your anxiety/depression, and give your meds some time to work. It won't take away all the stress, but it might lower it to the point where it isn't crippling. Then maybe you'll have a better idea if the problem is newbie jitters that can eventually be overcome, or if med-surg really isn't for you.

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@turtlesRcool,

You are cool, as well ? Thank you so much for your reply. I'm trying my best to handle the anxiety better. I guess I just don't feel like I'm smart enough. I feel like I'm struggling while others aren't. I constantly ask myself if I'm qualified to be an RN. The mistakes I've made, others haven't made I don't think. And I know I look stupid. I've also struggled with low self-confidence for years and am trying to work on that. Any suggestions for feeling more confident? I feel like looking things up on my days off helps me feel more knowledgeable, but I also want to enjoy my days off. Any recommendations for that? I really appreciate your reply ? 

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Specializes in Community Health, Med/Surg, ICU Stepdown.
2 hours ago, BabyTurtle2k11 said:

@turtlesRcool,

You are cool, as well ? Thank you so much for your reply. I'm trying my best to handle the anxiety better. I guess I just don't feel like I'm smart enough. I feel like I'm struggling while others aren't. I constantly ask myself if I'm qualified to be an RN. The mistakes I've made, others haven't made I don't think. And I know I look stupid. I've also struggled with low self-confidence for years and am trying to work on that. Any suggestions for feeling more confident? I feel like looking things up on my days off helps me feel more knowledgeable, but I also want to enjoy my days off. Any recommendations for that? I really appreciate your reply ? 

Just because others haven't told you about their mistakes doesn't mean they haven't made them. Being new is hard for anyone. Props to you for looking things up on your days off, but if it ruins your day off just relax on days off and learn as you go at work! I hope you can get treatment for your mental health and find the right path for you = )

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