New nurse feeling hopeless

Katastrophe · May 28, 2017

I actually have texted my previous therapist (not PCP) regarding an appt next week, though I doubt she'll have an immediate opening. I'll have to pay $90 out of pocket cash for each appt but at this point I'm desperate. I'm even desperate enough to (yes I am prepared for the judgements) quit nursing altogether. I know a lot of people will call me a coward, weakling, quitter, that I'm not strong enough and ends up quitting 3 months into my job when other people have gone through the same thing and pulled through. But like I said, I have a history of depression, social anxiety (why did I choose nursing then? I don't think I thought it through at the time tbh), and crying so many times everyday and wishing I had a stroke (not likely at my age) or get into a car accident and have my leg broken instead of going in to work. The very thought of it is sickening to the point of crying. I understand it's a difficult and stressful job, but that to me does not seem normal reaction. For a long time I had wished I had creativity, a passion for art or something so I know how it's like to do something I love. My closest friend is an art major and she loves her life even though schoolwork is hard and hours are long. I'm so jealous.

Katastrophe · May 28, 2017

One year seems so long, that's why I'm losing hope. It's only been 3 months and I'm collapsing into myself. I never knew how badly I dealt with unwanted stress. Guess I should have known my own personality a little better instead of trying to prove I can do this job, to prove I'm someone I'm not. Should have just accepted I'm introverted, likes to work alone, ok with fast paced but this is too much.

Katastrophe · May 28, 2017

Would that look bad on my records? That I just started and I'm already asking to work part time?

**canoehead, BSN, RN** · May 28, 2017

I actually have texted my previous therapist (not PCP) regarding an appt next week, though I doubt she'll have an immediate opening. I'll have to pay $90 out of pocket cash for each appt but at this point I'm desperate. I'm even desperate enough to (yes I am prepared for the judgements) quit nursing altogether. I know a lot of people will call me a coward, weakling, quitter, that I'm not strong enough and ends up quitting 3 months into my job when other people have gone through the same thing and pulled through. But like I said, I have a history of depression, social anxiety (why did I choose nursing then? I don't think I thought it through at the time tbh), and crying so many times everyday and wishing I had a stroke (not likely at my age) or get into a car accident and have my leg broken instead of going in to work. The very thought of it is sickening to the point of crying. I understand it's a difficult and stressful job, but that to me does not seem normal reaction. For a long time I had wished I had creativity, a passion for art or something so I know how it's like to do something I love. My closest friend is an art major and she loves her life even though schoolwork is hard and hours are long. I'm so jealous.

No judgements here, you do what you think is best. I recommend you fix the depression part before you make any major decisions on the nursing part. Hash it out with someone. You may find things become bearable if you get better medication, and maybe tweak your schedule somehow. I think it would be a shame for you to have done all that hard work and not get the benefit.

Katastrophe · May 28, 2017

I envy you so much, I can only dream of sleeping 8 hours. Even when I was on day shift for orientation, I can sleep a max of 7 hours if I have work next day. I don't live with my boyfriend so that part's no go

And it's not like I can barely drive home in the morning, it's that I cannot make it home AT ALL! 30 miles away and I MUST sleep in a parking lot somewhere in between or there will be an accident. As soon as I start involuntarily swerving lanes I knew I had to pull over asap.

Lisacar130 · May 28, 2017

That's the suicide hotline by the way, thought you should know that.

I have found that melatonin works wonders for me. I take it about 30 minutes to an hour before I want to go to sleep. I work nights too.

You are just beginning your career and I felt terrible for the first year or two like you, but it got better over time... to the point where I was seen as a resource by even very experienced nurses. However, tele is a hard unit, you could try inpt psych. It's 900% easier, easpecially at night. Especially if you have social anxiety.

You can't keep this up for much longer if you're crying like this so I would try to get into another field.

Katastrophe · May 28, 2017

First off thank you for not judging me. The depression is exacerbated by work though, and back when I was on medications I was taking 40mg Celexa (max dose) and 150mg Welbutrin, I'm pretty sure I'm just not sensitive to medication because neither helped, and I have not the time nor money to keep trying new meds. My conundrum is afraid I'll regret quitting this early, but also regretting not quitting soon enough if I were able to find something I loved. Wished I had a time machine but I believe the concept of time travel is impossible according to some ooey gooey physics stuff.

Katastrophe · May 28, 2017

I've had melatonin suggested to me as well but unsure how long it takes to work, now I know its 30min-1 hr so thank you for that information. A thousand kudos to you and all other nurses who actually pulled through. Kind of scared of try psych though, haven't learned much about it at school, and I've mentione prior I have social anxiety and is pretty soft spoken. I think those psych patients might overpower me in a heartbeat.

Laundryneverends · May 29, 2017

I didn't read all the comments.

It took me a year before I stopped being scared, nervous, and afraid. That's normal. They also told us it would take thathe long. I love med-surg. I did it for 8 years, went to a specialty for 4 yrs, and went back to med-surg. Align yourself with some strong supportive co workers, lean on them. Most seasoned nurses want the newbies to succeed.

When you go home, leave work at work... this is the hardest for any of us. ... don't think about what you might be done better, different... those things are energy drainer for nurses. Find a nurse buddy. My buddies... that I vent to during 2 minutes.meeting in the med room-are invaluable.

Natasha A., CNA, LVN · May 29, 2017

I actually have texted my previous therapist (not PCP) regarding an appt next week, though I doubt she'll have an immediate opening. I'll have to pay $90 out of pocket cash for each appt but at this point I'm desperate. I'm even desperate enough to (yes I am prepared for the judgements) quit nursing altogether. I know a lot of people will call me a coward, weakling, quitter, that I'm not strong enough and ends up quitting 3 months into my job when other people have gone through the same thing and pulled through. But like I said, I have a history of depression, social anxiety (why did I choose nursing then? I don't think I thought it through at the time tbh), and crying so many times everyday and wishing I had a stroke (not likely at my age) or get into a car accident and have my leg broken instead of going in to work. The very thought of it is sickening to the point of crying. I understand it's a difficult and stressful job, but that to me does not seem normal reaction. For a long time I had wished I had creativity, a passion for art or something so I know how it's like to do something I love. My closest friend is an art major and she loves her life even though schoolwork is hard and hours are long. I'm so jealous.

Life is a precious gift so please take full advantage of enjoying your life to the fullest. My heart goes out to you. Have you given yourself some thought to free your mind first? Everything else is secondary. Although any new process will come with pain just know a lot of good will come with this process. :)

Katastrophe · May 29, 2017

I believe if I find something I actually enjoy doing, any "pain" or hard work won't even feel like that. I talked to my parents separately about this. My mom basically just said to tough it up because everybody's life has hardships, and many are worst off than me. But my dad's response was similar to yours. He said health and happiness comes first, it's never too late to learn something new, even from scratch. Life should be enjoyed and it's ok to stop and take time off to find out what I really like to do. Such different responses I don't know who to listen to.

nutella, MSN, RN · May 30, 2017

I believe if I find something I actually enjoy doing, any "pain" or hard work won't even feel like that. I talked to my parents separately about this. My mom basically just said to tough it up because everybody's life has hardships, and many are worst off than me. But my dad's response was similar to yours. He said health and happiness comes first, it's never too late to learn something new, even from scratch. Life should be enjoyed and it's ok to stop and take time off to find out what I really like to do. Such different responses I don't know who to listen to.

This and your previous long post make me think that your mental health problems contribute a lot to how you handle or feel that you can't handle stress/ new job. You write that it is the other way around - that the job contributes. It can be hard or impossible to figure out what does what but it is very common for people to be depressed and if anxiety is also part of it as well as the inability to tolerate stress things just go downhill.

While in the middle of a depression or MH crisis or such it is often not possible to have an informed opinion.

Try to look back. Think about how you handled stress in nursing school, how you handled the stress one year ago, six months ago, three months ago and now. Is there a significant difference?

Sometimes it is best to look for a low stress nursing job until your depression/anxiety is better. I do not think that you should give up on nursing all together because it is not really so clear if you would be able to handle things ok if your MH was better.

There are nursing jobs that are less "crazy" - hospital med-surg is high stress for any new graduate. You might be better off with a lower acuity or different setting where you can get first experience without the high acuity stress.

I think seeing a MH prescriber would be an investment well worth to review your diagnosis and medication. In addition find a therapist - perhaps somebody who does CBT oriented work.

Your parents are your parents. They may or may not give you solid advice.

Does everybody's life has hardships? yes. But that does not mean that yours is less significant to you.

It is true that at times we have to "suck up" stuff and just "fake it until we make it." But you seem pretty desperate to get out of your situation and seem to feel stuck. Only you can decide if deep down you are able to tolerate your situation for a while until things get better or if you are unable to tolerate it.

If you are usually not the crying kind of person and now you cry all the time - there is something wrong and that can be multifactorial (depression, anxiety, too high stress job). Some people have to reduce their work hours when they are dealing with depression but some people have to find a low stress job for a while. Why not look around to see what other jobs there are and apply? It is really acceptable to say that you tried acute hospital nursing but it was not what you thought it would be.